What if nobody really cares?

[anthony]

My reasons for living were my children.

To be honest, living for another is not sufficient. These are excuses. Been there, done it. You either choose to live for yourself, or you do not. What you allow within your life is your choice. What you shut out, a mixed bag.

I feel empty and hopeless.

Sorry to hear you feel this way. Hopeless about?

 

[Fadeaway]

To be honest, living for another is not sufficient. These are excuses. Been there, done it. You either choose to live for yourself, or you do not

Where were these sage words that I desperately needed to hear 15 years ago?

He is right, it took me years to figure this out and I am still not sure my heart is fully convinced even though my mind is.

I was so wrapped up in my identity as a mother that I never figured out who I was out side of that. I was stuck in this belief that if I could protect my children from trauma and abuse and see them grow up healthy, that somehow that would make me healthy too. The hard lesson to learn is you can't control forces outside of yourself.

It may seem second best at first, but what you have to do is find what ignites your passion about yourself. This doesn't happen over night, like I said I have been working on it for 15 years, but I am slowly getting there. You will too.

Lists, lists are awesome, make list of all the things you like from style of music to hobbies, and even aesthetics. Learn to define yourself outside of the role of parent.

 

[Friday]

I was so wrapped up in my identity as a mother that I never figured out who I was out side of that.

Very much the same, here. I knew I was only living for my son, I knew my entire life was built around his, I knew that this wasn't sustainable long term. But I thought I'd have more time. I didn't.

He didn't die. Which would have made my life very simple. He dies? I die. Nothing more simple. Instead? I've been living a strange half life. Not allowed to die, because he's still here, but don't know how to live anymore, either.

Living for yourself sounds easy. It isn't.

Most things that are worth it aren't, though.

 

[Sterre]

I had to learn to be the love I never received. Hardest lessons ever..

So much comfort and wisdom in this thread...

@overflowingjc: So sorry that you have to go trough these painfull emotions. Feelings of loneliness can be very depressing. Hope you are feeling better today.

 

[ladee]

I stayed alive for my son. In my darkest times, when there was no way out, I would see his face in my mind. A reason to live. Had no idea what pressure that was putting on him,neither of us knowing it at the time... and today he hates me with such a deep passion it takes my breath away.... I am still alive, he is out of my life... just grateful somewhere along the line I started living for me. Our precious kids, paid such a high price that we had no control over. But we suit up and show up now.. it's what we do.