What Is Normal?

[MusicLover]

I have been going to a T for a few months now. We started EMDR treatment (have done that 2 times). After my first EMDR treatment I was fine. The second one I was fine then I went to my last T season and we didn't do EMDR cause a lot happened the week before that I wanted to talk about.

I am trying to be as honest with my T and myself as I can be because I DO want to get better.

It seems things are fine and manageable for a while then all of the sudden I have a panic attack of some sort. This happened last night. I started panicking at around 7pm at 9pm I was upset & crying. I tried to sleep cause I go to work at 3 am but only got about an hour (which added to about 4 hours over the entire course of the day...so still not good sleep). I'm driving to work and fighting back tears and I get to work see one of my friends and broke down. I told him I'm just so tired and I feel like I'm not doing better...over all I am doing better but moments like these I feel like I am back to the beginning. I told him I didn't know what to do and I didn't know if I could work. He told me I am doing well and I have been through a lot. He said I'm not going to be fixed overnight (which is true).

I went to my boss and he could tell i had been crying so he told me to go home and sleep and if I wasn't going to come to work tomorrow to call in.

Right now I still feel like crap. I just look at everything and it wasn't how I planned it to be. The things I used to love I have no interest in anymore. I just don't know my purpose for being here on this earth anymore...I did at one time but now I dont. That's very hard.

I get told that I am loved by everyone and no one would want anything bad to happen to me but still I struggle with these demons in me that make it hard to live a normal life. Its hard to work a full time job, its hard to do stuff around the house and its hard to get good sleep. I either sleep too much or cant get enough, I am always tired.

ANYWAY I am just rambling...any thoughts???

Thanks for allowing me to vent...

<Paragraph breaks inserted for readability>

 

[maddog]

Musiclover...

You don't ever need to say thanks for being allowed to vent here. That's the whole point, the point of why we're all here, the point of why this is a safe place where there are people who understand and who can offer a whole lot of empathy and compassion. Because afterall, as we all know too well, there are no silver bullets or magic solutions, so empathy and support and understanding and camaraderie are the very least, yet the very most, we can offer.

Your post made me cry, truly it did. I could have written it word for word. I feel very close to the place you describe and i know the empty aching desperation, the not knowing where this road is taking you, the sleepless nights, the crying breakdowns, the confusion and desperation of therapy, the weight of the commitment of fulltime work that feels like the weight of the world, the incessant biting presence of demons that live on in spite of all of the support and understanding of people around you who want to help and support...

Have faith that all of the good and positive things in your life, ie, the support of your colleagues and friends, your T, and most of all your undying courage, will all slowly bring about the change and improvement you deserve and will almost certainly achieve. I know it's hard to have hope sometimes, and that's ok. But try to remember that the hope and belief of others around you all add up to some pretty compelling evidence, and that's worth a lot.

Sorry, rambling, just wanted to connect with you and to say... "I get it, and I'm hearing you".

Take care, and keep in touch here.

Maddog

 

[MusicLover]

Thanks Maddog :) Right now I just feel nothing, I'm just exhausted but I already took sleeping pills and still can't sleep. This is where it gets hard cause everything gets harder when you are deprived of sleep and can't think normally. One of my friends (who is an ex) has similar problems so we can relate to each other but that can also lead to a bad combination. If hes having a rough time his emotion is anger, my emotion is sadness/crying...so sometimes that can be a bad time. That is also another thing on my shoulders on top of work. I just feel so alone and like no one understands me...like im crazy or something.

I actually had a dream that I was pregnant and no one knew (I hid it well). I finally was going into labor so I got to the hospital and was in a dark room. I gave birth to this little baby boy all by myself. No doctors nurses nothing. After he was born I got up and went to the nurses station to tell them that I had this kid. They didn't act like it was a big deal and told me they would be with me shortly. A nurse came in with all the paperwork (birth certificate) and I had to decide on a name. I decided on Michael (not sure if that was his first or middle name) then I was debating on his last name....mine or his fathers. I didn't decide in my dream.

After a while people from work started coming in and saying congrats to me but it seemed like they were saying it just cause they had to, not cause they were truly happy about what just happened.

I sat there alone in this dark hospital room with my little boy deciding if I can give him up for adoption cause I didn't think I could do it on my own but in my heart I could never give him away. In the dream I was also deciding if I wanted to tell the dad but I wasn't entirely sure.

When I woke up I felt my stomach and looked around my room for a minute cause my dream seemed so real. I've never had a dream this real in my entire life BUT my T said I would have more dreams and memory's while participating with EMDR treatment. Im still debating if I will go into work tonight...I should but I know that it would probably be good for my body to not go in. :-/

Im glad I have this to write stuff down on cause it kinda helps get it out.

<Paragraph breaks inserted for readability>

 

[tigrou465]

Ho MusicLover, I feel so much for you. Wish I could just hold you and give yourself a huge hug.. I do believe that what you are feeling presently is normal. My T thinks that we have to accept our illness just like if it was diabete or another chronic illness. If we keep on fighting our illness, it will always come back. I know it's hard to cope with that... I am with you... you can write to me and I will try to help you out. Take care ...xxxx

 

[MusicLover]

Thank You all! I appreciate your support. Today has been kinda weird for me. I was so down and everyone who I reached out to was there for me 100%. I called my T and she talked to me for an hour...I was just so emotional and so worked up...ugh.

My T said this stuff is normal...its part of healing. Some part of me feels so sad and like I am starting from the beginning when I have these breakdowns. She said I have been through more then most people will see in a lifetime. (be prepared I am going to write a lot and share a lot)

*At birth I was born with some heart problems and was taken from my parents directly after birth. I went into cardiac arrest and was flown to a different hospital in a helicopter. My T said that alone would effect anyone.

*At age 1 my birth mom left. She took off and didn't tell anyone where she was so that really effected our family. A couple years later we were able to track her down and my dad filed for a divorce.

*At 3 I moved a couple of hours away to live with my grandma (dads mom). I was told that I would randomly start crying cause I missed my dad so much and then at night when he would call I would always cry. This lasted 2 months and then my grandma said that I needed to be with my dad.

*At 5 my grandparents (birth moms parents) moved to Colorado. This was hard cause at this point I was visiting them every weekend to give my dad a break and I was pretty close to them.

*Also at 5 my dad met his future wife and I was very upset cause I felt that my dad was being taken away from me.

*At 7 my dad remarried and we moved into a house together.

*At 9 I was sexually molested by a family friend. He told me he would kill me if I moved, spoke or told anyone after. I ended up telling my aunt who told my parents and they pressed charges and got him locked up for a while. I don’t know anything about him and I don't want to.

*At 9 I also had something else happen that I don’t want to discuss.

*At 12 my great-grandmother died. I was super close to her and that was hard losing her. I still struggle with that to this day cause I felt like she understood me more then anyone. She never sugar coated anything....she was straight forward even with stuff that wasn't so great.

*At 13 I started dating this guy (also 13). My parents didn’t want me to date until I was 16 so we had to sneak around just to hang out. On my 16th birthday he broke up with me.

• Throughout jr high and hs my parents would ground me for months at a time and to my room. I would come out of my room to eat and use the bathroom. The rest of the time I would spend listening to music, writing letters and contemplating suicide. I felt no one would care if I was gone.

*At 18 I moved out and moved in with my uncle. I started dancing at a local strip club thinking that what I was doing was great for me ( I didnt have to rely on anyone financially) but in the end it hurt me a lot mentally.

*When I was 19 I started dating a guy for 5 & ½ years. I ended up breaking up with him cause I felt like we didn’t go anywhere in our relationship and I wanted to get married/have kids. He didn’t want to commit.

*At 25 I started dating a guy who I feel in love with. We broke up over an argument and he was afraid of commitment to. I am still hurting a lot over this and its almost all I can think about...

So that is my events throughout my life. I don’t know why, but I wanted to write them down and see them. I want to know if anyone has been through something similar or an event that is similar....how did u handle it????

Thanks all,

Gnite

 

[maddog]

I think what strikes me about your situation right now is that you are at that point where you need to accommodate some space and energy in your current life to deal with the past. As hard as we try to balance both at the same time and to press forward with them both simultaneously, at different parts along the way I believe this stops being practical. The demands of dealing with the past are so intense that they drain our emotional and psychological reserves and demand attention - an attention which can't be equally divided between past and present anymore.

Stumbling in our current lives, the way it maybe feels as though you have with work and your current supporters, will never feel ok for people such as yourself who take a lot of pride in continuing to function at a high level and not let the side down... ever...But sometimes you have to forceably override those feelings with cold hard logic which tells you that it is absolutely necessary now that you prioritise your work with T and your dealing with stuff from the past, and if that comes at the expense of a few days at work or the maintenance of composure every now and then, then it has to be scaled down and considered as the tiny price to pay that it really is.

I am really empathising with you, your struggle is so real to me. As hard as it is to accept and understand the support of those around you, I'm so so glad that you have it, it will help you to keep strong and to keep going ahead during the worst times of aloneness.

Lots of people are out here batting for you, and that isn't the same as invalidating or rejecting your suffering, just that many of us have true faith that you will work through all of this at your own time, and come out stronger on the other side.

Maddog

 

[MusicLover]

Thank you :-)

I think Monday I am going to go to work and request intermittent fmla. I hate to but I am killing myself by trying to balance it all. I can't be a good anything until I figure this all out...dealing is hard. Right now I am super stressful and haven't slept more then 5 hours in 2 days....I've got to tough work out tonight (thank goodness its my Friday) and so I can just hopefully relax tomorrow for my weekend.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((HUG)))

You sure have alot going on at one time. I hope you get the time off from your work, and your sleep patterns stabalize. You have experienced alot of trauma and it is coming up and demands to be faced and dealt with. I hope you have safe people in your life that you can trust to talk to. I hope you get the help you need to balance things out. you are not alone.

 

[masirah]

It hard to say things that you really want to say. Thinking of hurting someone by not using the wrong words. Keeping it to yourself and working it all out in your mind. Working forever to getting nowhere. Paying life dues to satisfy relief of love ones. Giving up without trying to stop. Sleeping without trying to relax. Awareness in your bed, awake listening to clicking sounds thinking something is out there. Checking your perimeter making sure you're on guard. Sleeping a good 1 hour and laying down half asleep 3 hours. Being normal when your not. Asking yourself why is it.. Watching people passing without any clue of what is going on in the real world 24/7. What is Normal..

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What is normal? The setting on a washing machine.:rolleyes:

 

[ericaboo]

Musiclover: My therapist just said today - normal is a myth, and that with what I'm dealing with there's no such thing as "fixed". (But symptoms could be greatly improved)

That kinda made me sad, even though I know that. I feel defeated in a way, but that was what I needed to hear.

Also - I can totally relate to the work thing - I'll be just fine, and then just get hit by a wave of such huge emotion. I had to tell my boss what was up, and I NEVER let people know what I'm going through. I've been able to take a "time out" and be able to continue work afterward, but it's really hard.

So - it's quite a process we're having to go through - humbling, terrifying, grieving, acceptance of the reality of who we are... I think it's a healing process though - something better than denial.

 

[masirah]

Ever sat in a secluded beach where no one can go to, except if you work there. A place called Diego Garcia where everything about the beach was so pristine. As you sat all alone on the beach, you reach out your hand as you feel the warm waters and small fishes come gently swimming and nibbling at your hand. The sound of the waters are in tune with the winds. It's so beautiful in the middle of the Indian Ocean far away from reality of life. Being so lucky to be in a place where sandals and shorts was the uniform of the day. If I had a wish, I would wish to be back. Now, just memories of the past and enjoying the times of silence and calmness. What is normal... the beach i guess...