Whats So Wrong With Wanting To Give Up?

[Nighteyes]

Not even sure how to begin. My life is like one big ball of never ending crap!

I’m just at my last straw! And have already started to plan for my “unthinkable” yet thought about all the time, actions. L

Nothing in life is ever easy, but does it always have to be a 90 degree uphill battle against raging rapids filled with jagged rocks and sharks?

Nothing can be simple, not even the stupid taste of getting up in the morning. :/
I’m beyond lost and hopeless… I’m emptiness at its emptiest.

Let’s start by explaining my current nightmare as I see it. I have (yes still controversial but diagnosed as) C-PTSD. I can’t find work in any field, yet along the one I am educated and licensed in. I have lost all hopes that I’ll EVER find employment in the field I actually LOVE and have a passion for. Just been my lifelong dream to work in the OR? ER as the RRT the one who is a cool as cucumbers in the most hectic of situations… because no situation is as hectic as her life.

I’m apparently “over qualified” for work in which I do have experience, and despite everything, am not able to hide my education well enough to get hired I guess you say at “general” jobs.

Since that is the case, I took on kids (as I have one at home too) and am going INSANE doing so! As I NEVER wanted a child to begin with, yet along to run a home daycare…. But when you need $$$ you have to do something.

Money issues are a whole nether ball game…. Student loans that cant get paid, my own medical under-no treatment, with dental being out of the question. Why? Because my own child costs hundreds a month in just prescription meds just to keep him alive and out of hospital.

Because of that situation, Fathers hardly if ever around (we are together why I don’t know) but he works 2 jobs and does side jobs too…. And yup we still are barely a float. Thank you chronic illness in a 2 year old!

Live in a place where I have no one, not that I really have anyone anywhere, but I despise this town !

Add all that (and more because I don’t think I am actually explaining anything right) to my already depressed arse thanks to PTSD and all that… and I've had my fill!

I have no support system (as what you’d all call a support system “family” typically) is the ROOT of my problems… and honestly I don’t see how the world wouldn't be better off without one less piece of crap wasted space in it….

 

[NIKI]

Hi. I know life is SO hard. I stuggle daily with everyday crap that never ends.

I'm sorry that your child is not well. That I can not relate to. But, I can only image the unbelievable stress that would add to your life.

I just wanted you to know that I am listening and that I hear you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. Sometimes the stress on top of the PTSD seems too much to bear. My T used to tell me there was a light at the end of the tunnel when I used to feel that way. I never believed him. Now I am feeling better so there is a light. I am not without SI or depression, but I no longer have to fight to stay alive. Hopefully you can get to this point too.

 

[Shellbell]

I hate that expression 'light at the end of the tunnel'. When you're in the depths of despair - you don't see the light. I put something on my facebook about this before I stopped using it.

'When there is no light at the end of the tunnel - the tunnel is getting darker, deeper and longer, finding something good in every day to cling to is the way. For there is always something good in every day, we just need to want to find it'.

It's something I think of when I have the really bad days.

 

[maddog]

My cynical response when people remind me about the light at the end of the tunnel is that often it turns out to be an oncoming train...

In no way meaning to minimise your pain with a joke, but I do totally agree with Shellbell that as a concept, it's not a helpful one to hold onto. The end of the tunnel is too far away, it is the little pinpricks of light at each step along the tunnel that we need to look out for, and to hold onto, because just like the row of emergency lights along the floor of an aircraft that lead to the exit, they are the ones that will lead you to safety.

I know sometimes all these silly analogies seem meaningless, but I do try to take some heart from them, and to believe in searching for and holding onto the tiny positives. If you add them all together and choose to focus on them, they add up to more than you may think.

Maddog

 

[Philippa]

Another one I can't stand is when people say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". Um...nooooo. What doesn't kill you, just damages and wounds you beyond belief and takes frikkin' years and years to get past...and never once do you feel stronger for it.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Nighteyes)))
I know it took a lot to be able to write these things. I cannot know exactly how it feels, but I do know about having a severely, chronically ill child. I remember the horrid feelings that accompanied all the 'fallout' that followed. Severe Postpartum depression almost to the point of psychosis.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to leave this world, as long as you don't choose to do that. One minute at a time is all we can do sometimes.

I finally realized I did not want to die, I just didn't want to feel pain anymore! There is a difference.

You are not alone here. Writing out your pain can ease the pressure, or maybe just knowing there are people here who care ca n help.

I'm sending thoughts and prayers your way. Hang in there!

 

[Philippa]

I think most people who think about and carry out suicides do not actually want to die...they just want to escape the terrible pain they are in, and yes it is selfish...but so what. No one else knows wht you are going through except you when you are in that state.

I no longer judge a person who decided to carry through on a plan to suicide, though I do think there is a way out through the pain which isn't always perceived at first. If you can hold on long enough to reach that realization that there is a way through it, then you don't have to die to escape the pain.

Having said that though, it took a very long time to find that place for me, and a lot of the time I felt like I'd have done myself a greater service by not putting myself through all that pain to get there...but here I am, and I'm doing really well now. Still a ways to go though.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have 2 recent suicide attempts that put me in the hospital. I actually wanted to die and was quite angry when I woke up. Day after day of fighting the urge to kill myself. It seems endless. Is it selfish? Hmm, there is assissted suicide in Oregon. I don't think is is selfish. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that it could get better someday, that there might actually be a light.

 

[Nighteyes]

Analogies and quotes don't ease anything. And it's not like I don't want to see the "nice" the "good" in my life, it's not like a situation where " it could be worse" plays a part. Cause to me this is worse, I personally ( very bitter sorry) would rather be a starving third world child with nothing then live this cursed useless painful life I have been born into and forced to keep.

It's the whole no matter how hard I try how much I do nothing gets better, only worse. But really how is it worse when the worst and unspeakable has already occurred ( for 17 Years straight).

It's just not fair! It's not fair that I'm still left to suffer to deal after everything and then add everything else this crap shoot of a life offers, it's not fair my child has to suffer not only with illness but a damaged useless mother that in the end will probably damage the child more then any illness can!

It's not fair that just to "live" I have to struggle with everything!!! When really death would be no struggle.

Just can't see a positive when there's only negative surrounding me.
Le sigh.

 

[InHell11]

What I find rather difficult is when I know I should be enjoying myself but I can't because I'm stuck in hell observing from the other side of a window or a wall or something. Seeing the good but not being able to enjoy it is misery.

 

[Red Feather]

I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to give up. The other day I realized I really could do it, if I wanted to. I always thought it was not an option for me because I grew up learning it is the worst sin in the world. But now I see that if I chose to, I could disconnect myself from the pain in that way. It was really scary for me to realize this, but maybe it was important. It is a choice although what we are leaving behind and what we will meet on the way, is unknown.

I was taught that doing it was worse than any pain in life. But again, logically speaking it is a choice. The other thing is that I think thinking about all this stuff can really consume a person. This is why getting support is so important, to sooth that pull of thoughts that makes life so painful. There are so many people out there who know what it is like and are willing to help, and can help others to feel and really experience that the SI voice is not the person, but a negative force that has taken hold.

I don't know if that has a lot of meaning, but I think it did for me. My grandfather killed himself when my mother was eight. And I often feel like I am the one who has to deal with him and the hate he had for himself. It can be a trap with no end. Problems in life can lead to wanting to die, but that wish is not going to go away by calling it wrong. The way we deal with the problem however can be changed by breaking the pattern of blaming ourselves for how we feel and for the cause of our problems. Hugs.