General What's the Best Response?

[goingonhope]

This is goingonhope and my husband has a question. I am diagnosed with PTSD. My husband is not; So he would be the carer, but I prefer the words: the spouse of someone with PTSD.

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Here's his question and in his words:

"When a PTSD sufferer's point of view is the only one that that PTSD sufferer will consider, how should the spouse proceed?

Should they just accept it, or present their own point of view regardless? Or, should they never try to present their point of view for fear that it will bring out adverse PTSD symptoms in the sufferer?"
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I hope someone will feel free to respond openly, honestly and from either knowledge or experience, or both.

Hope

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Hope

In my opinion, based on my limited experience, I would say that your husband should feel like he can voice his opinion in a relationship. What the spouse does with the opposing or different opinion is up to the spouse. Add PTSD to the mix and I would still same the same thing but I would recommend that your husband pick his times and pick his battles. I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff but PTSD is not an excuse for the other spouse's opinion not to be heard or counted if relevant.

There are times when I would love to say something and bite my tongue and wait until a better time but, in my opinion, it would be an unhealthy relationship for me not to have a voice as then I would possibly develop a resentment that my opinion did not count let alone be heard.

 

[Nicolette]

Here's his question and in his words:

"When a PTSD sufferer's point of view is the only one that that PTSD sufferer will consider, how should the spouse proceed?

I have been thinking about this further and I think I missed answering this part of the question.

There were some posts awhile ago and Veiled said something along the lines of being somewhat indirect, like dropping hints, rather than the spouse of the PTSD suffering outright saying what they wanted to. I am sure Veiled will correct me if I misunderstood. I took this comment and sometimes apply it in my relationship when Anthony is not as well as normal. Rather than state my point of view and make an issue of it I turn it around and say, as a passing comment, have you thought about this or I heard this etc and leave it as that. What I then find, at stressful times, is that Anthony then processes it in his own time and usually comes back to me in a day or two willing to either discuss what I had to say or even sometimes, taking note and making a positive change without any real issue.

 

[johnny_longtorso]

Like everything else, it depends. There is no "right" answer or hard-and-fast rules. Your husband should absolutely feel able to present his view on any given point, but he should be aware that there may be consequences from doing so. It is difficult for the ptsd sufferer to take constructive criticism without feeling like it is a personal attack. The reaction may be completely out of proportion to the disagreement.
When my wife is having a particularly bad time of it, it is hard for her to maintain even a minimal train of thought, let alone plan a meal, or tomorrow's activities. At times she has an unreasonable fear of situations/people/places/things, and she will do everything within her power to avoid them. This makes a very effective, inpenetrable logic shield.
So, I would advise your husband to pick his battles--if it's not really a big deal, leave it alone. If it is a big deal, go ahead and bring it up. If the symptoms are getting in the way, try again when the spouse is in a better frame of mind.
Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Lord, the way he just described me made me feel like an ass. But Hope I asked him to respond to you as well, a spouse needs to answer it. Maybe both our takes will help. And you are helpful enough to me I pressured him.

Never give up your point of view but timing goes a long way. If I am in a mood I guess I can argue anything (so can our kid so who says it is all ptsd there?). But if in my mood I am not being argumentative I am really stating how things are from my perspective at the moment.

A shield you cannot bust through like he pointed out. You know if you are not trying to force a thought on me there is no shield. It only looks like it as it is being pushed too hard. Like Nic said many things can be hinted or said in passing. May not seem I am listening but it weighs on me hard. I do come around. I just need nudges not too firm in the right direction. I mat not respond as fast or the way one wants but I do come around. It seems to be like all marriages, it is a dance you learn. One you both share and do well together. Try another person you will trip and fall on your ass. This one takes knowing and trusting your partner from both sides.

 

[anthony]

Short, sharp and to the point hope. If your opinion is the only opinion accepted, how exactly do you grow? How do you learn? How do you test whether your opinion is wrong in the first place?

 

[Nicolette]

Noted Sweetheart :wink:

 

[Kathy]

As others have said, picking your battles is most important. It is my motto for life in general, whether one is dealing with a PTSD sufferer or anyone else. I doubt Jim and I could have stayed married as long as we have, had we argued or challenged every point on which we disagree!

I do agree though also with being short and to the point. When it comes to opinions, everyone should be allowed to voice theirs; one party having an illness should not matter. If you never challenge your ill partner's opinions, even when you believe them to be wrong, it is a form of enabling. Having an opinion and stating that opinion is not the same as constant nagging or trying to get your partner to change their minds about a matter, or at least it shouldn't be. You may still simply agree to disagree, once the opinion has been stated.

 

[anthony]

For carers, this is how I approach a PTSD sufferers forceful self. A sufferer is typically very stuck in their ways, good or bad. If you try and fix them, the information just won't sink in. If you want them to change, don't give them just your opinion, instead, give them various options, one of which is yours obviously, though do not state which. Simply ask them, "If what your doing is working for you so well, then why do you feel like x?" is a very good question to a sufferer. It is about not fixing them, but pushing them in a direction in which they will think about options and most likely take one of those options. You can call it a form of manipulation if you like, but at the end of the day the choice is theirs to which option they take. That is how you open a sufferers eyes to different ways. The moment you try and force your opinion down their throat they will only resist harder, so instead you add your opinion in with other methods, ways, whatever your opinion is about, then you present options to the sufferer in which they choose. Then, if your option (opinion) is wrong, they won't dig in harder, yet may feel another option you presented them is good for them, better than what they are using now, and adopt that instead.

Opinions = personal options.

 

[batgirl]

Okay I am a little confused. In this question, is it the point of view on any subject, or just on subjects relating to PTSD and healing it? Because those are two totally different things.

 

[anthony]

I would presume all subjects from reading the question myself, though that is my interpretation as neither where specifically mentioned.

 

[batgirl]

Yeah but if it's on any subject that doesn't make sense to me. Aren't I entitled to have my point of view regardless of having PTSD? Just because I have PTSD doesn't mean my opinions aren't valid or that they need to be changed.