What's Wrong With Me???

[lostforgottensoul]

I have ZERO "get up and go" today! None! I needed to go to the store as next week I have to be into work an hour earlier for training but i didnt go and it seems to be effort just to do laundry, or anything.

I've been putting off starting a thread with fear it will be everywhere but it seems every day a new something piles on top of the old somethings building this mountain of shit! Come on!!!

I seem to have depression, anxiety, fears, am overwhelmed, all at once?? And I havent even dealt with issue #1, my mom.

Yesterday i got the no "get up and go" as i took the seriquel xr in the AM. Today I dont have that excuse.

I cant feel anything. I cant pick out anything, i cant seem to feel anything. Im trying to tap into anything, absoultely anything but nothing is there but im having fleeting thoughts of suicide seeing myself, in my mind's eye, cutting my wrists, jumping in front of the train when I hear it, driving into a wall and on coming traffic when driving, I pour out all of my meds in my hands daring myself to take them all. Ritual urges, all of them, are back. Im playing mind games with myself because of them. Im having thoughts of hitting new upstairs neighbors ive never met for the noise on my ceiling. Thoughts that ive not had in a real REAL long time are all back. It seems im dissassocating a lot as my step mom keeps asking if im ok. Almost hit a mentally handicapped woman (has a mental state of someone around 10 - 13 yrs old) because she came around a corner, was inches from me, scared me and my reflex almost got her. I would of felt so increadbly bad. She talks loud and i didnt realize how loud until last night. This noise thing is new.

On top of it, having anxiety/fear/terror or something about recent discussions of my dad & step mom moving out like now, which is good, I thought. But yesterday i was throwing up and having bathroom issues along with constant non-stop shaking from the thought of needed to get a roommate. Really? I thought this is a good thing but i feel its horrific timing.

And the addict mind is back, and im fighting those urges.

Today, Ive seemed to just shut down and moving off of the sofa to do anything is huge effort!

What's wrong with me? Or better question, how do I fix it?

ETA: I guess I should add that I get that I am overwhelmed. What im having issue with is fixing any of it. I cant seem to get ahold of any one thing to work on it. Its just there. How do I fix that?

 

[Sideways]

What's wrong with you? Honey, you have complex ptsd, and your mum, also one of your abusers, recently died.

Does this look like the grief and mourning that you see in the movies? Nup. You know what? Screw Hollywood. This is your brain hitting the "Overwhelmed" button. And it doesn't look like what you expected, but that's what it is. Life got really really messy and confusing and painful and tragic and a hint of relief maybe, all at the same time.

If your feelings are doing the Numb thing right now, that's okay. If the suicide and self-harm thoughts are caving in? That's not unexpected. If life is too hard and seems utterly pointless in this moment? That would be pretty understandable.

You're going to be okay. But it's going to be really hard for a while, harder than even the normal days that are, frankly, hard enough already. If the laundry doesn't get done? Give yourself a pass. Your brain is in overload, so be gentle with yourself, and let the thoughts and the feelings come...and then let them go when you can.

Thoughts are with you beautiful warrior lady:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know @Ragdoll Circus (ugh! While screaming at my phone because the damn user names keep popping up and back down)...thank you for replying by the way! :hug:

I know im overwhelmed but its like im down for the count but have nothing i can grab to pull myself back up. Its frustrating me that i cant grab one damn thing to work on and things are just piling on top of one another and yeah.

I dont know, thats why i was posting this in my diary orginally, because its rather all over the place, but i thought maybe, someone, anyone, had a clue of how to pick myself back up? Sorry, it should have been a diary entry. Ugh!

 

[Sideways]

It's not a stupid question to ask. Not at all.

I don't tend to keep across the diaries, but are there times when the answer is obvious but I'm too pinned down by what's going on in my life to see it. Sure. All the time.

This forum is something to grab onto. And that's what you've done, in a really level and sensible way. But life isn't going to just fit perfectly in the hole right now. It's like a huge knot and the threads have to slowly tease their way out.

Coming on here and asking for support? Totally the right thing to do. There were a tonne of other self-destructive things you could have done instead. So, from where I'm sitting, you're dealing with a pretty intolerable situation really well.

Try and cut yourself a break. Life really shat on you. It's okay to take a bit of time to get back on top (or just back to where you were).

Patience has never been my strong point either btw!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Patience has never been my strong point either btw!!

Lol! I think the two things is it stopped dead a damn great momemtum, best one ever and in 7 years of therapy. Ive had slow downs but not stopped dead. And i feel like im just getting beat down with zero way to 'fight back'.

There were a shit ton of descructive things, those descructive things i was doing when i first joined so they arent that far removed though i feel like it was ages ago. So yeah, ive been sort of camped out here as here seems to be the only thing that distracts me.

Right now im sweating like i just ran 5 miles. Seems to be another new things. Sweating, worse than one already does in Florida. And i never wear shorts so way worse than someone that doesnt wear shorts in Florida normally does lol. Im in 74 degree AC with a fan on high sitting soaked.

When walking to my car after work i have to stop and grab ahold of something and catch my breath. From just walking. I dont get this new stuff. They are so unusual.

Ugh! I just want to scream this off of me! I have to work and function and shit! Im a fighter, why cant i fight this? Really? My mom f*cking dies and my entire world is ripped apart? Like she did enough! Go away already!

 

[Sideways]

You are fighting it, though. Maybe the speed isn't the same, but the fight is.

Say you're running a marathon along a road and you're keeping a great pace. But then the path veers off into a section that's knee-high mud. You're not going to be travelling as fast as you were before. But hell, lady, you're still friggin fighting.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But hell, lady, you're still friggin fighting.

Yeah, i guess it is. It just doesnt feel like it. It feels more like quick sand, the more i fight the faster i go under and not able to move an inch no matter how hard i fight.

Not saying its how it is, just how it feels. And it sucks! Badly!

1 issue sucks, 2 sucks more, 3 crazy, 4 insane, 5 impossible...im like on 10 ish right now! Just stop piling! I can adjust and deal if they would just stop coming!

 

[Sideways]

If you feel like you're in quicksand, maybe stop moving for a moment. What happens?

When we were kids, and the feelings were too painful, we ran faster. We put them in the Too Hard tray to deal with later. And here we are, couple of decades later, and it turns out that you've gotta feel those feelings at some point.

The stuff that's making your brain turn to Numbness, Suicide, Self-Harm, Panic? You've gotta feel it at some point. So let it come. What happens if you say to yourself "the laundry isn't what matters right now, the laundry isn't really the problem..."

Your mother is dead... It's awesome, because that woman who tortured you has finally met her maker, she's permanently out of your life, you have officially survived her. But it's tragic at the same time because, your mother is dead.

What does the letter look like now that she's passed? Is the anger the same? What comes to you if you let it?

Thing is, when you were a child, the feelings were too big to cope with. But you can take care of you now. You know how to keep yourself safe without relying on anyone else. And you know that as painful as they might be, your feelings can't actually destroy you.

So let them come. They have buried your mother and she is sealed into only ever being part of your past now. I'm so sorry. But I'm here with you, and we'll hold onto you - you're not going to drown in the quicksand.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you feel like you're in quicksand, maybe stop moving for a moment. What happens?

I dont know, never thought of stopping. It feels as though im going to go under, if I fully stopped, but i know things arent as they feel so in actuality, i havent a clue. Im fighting hard to get a handle on something, anything. Like im about to go under and my hand is up there padding around for something to pull me back up. Thats how it feels (feeeeeelllllssss is how im saying that as i type lol).

I shouldnt say it hasnt occured to me to stop fighting, I have, a lot, sat still and tried to let whatever just come. Thats the"'not able to feel anything" part of the post. Ive held off on typing and told myself "no, i need to sit with this more" but nothing came. Not sure if im warding it off or still fighting in my head....its just crickets.

Something is going on, obviously its not just crickets, but it sure is hiding from me.

But I'm here with you, and we'll hold onto you - you're not going to drown in the quicksand.

I hope!

 

[Sideways]

Someone wiser than me would probably suggest listening to the crickets then. Or if it's tumbleweed rolling past, watch where it goes. It's not silence. It's not empty. It's just you've got your earmuffs on. Earmuffs are good when we need to block out noise, it's knowing how to take them off when we need to actually take in the noise that's the problem. Too many coping skills. Dang.

Can't rush it. But it's like all the other times you've deliberately tried to tap into the feelings. Like when you needed to feel the anger? You sat down and started writing angry, and then let it come. Once you got a tiny grasp of it, it started flowing out like a friggin torrent (I remember those letters - they were inspiring).

You write. That seems to be how you express emotion safely. So write. Write the eulogy you'd give if there was no one in the audience. "This was my mother..."

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Write the eulogy you'd give if there was no one in the audience. "This was my mother..."

OMG THATS A STINKIN AWESOME IDEA!!!

Im honestly am not a writer. Dont know a dyslexic that is. Im an artist thats lost her abilty to tune down distuptive crap and tune into what i wanted to express. I used to be so damn good at that!

Writing is a new found thing since ive been on here. Id write some on paper but mostly i refused to. One reason my therapist loves me being on here. Found a way to express again.

Ive always written poetry but poetry is an art.

But yes, if i can tap in enough to start, it flows. Anger is easier. Ive been sitting for a while now with no words, just staring at a blank white screen for hours. Letters have greyed a bit, obits seem a great way to start the flow again! Its such a great idea, that im pissed i didnt think of it! But then thats why i posted this. Thanks!

 

[Sideways]

Hooray for online forums and threads that tease out a good result - Go Team!!