What is wrong with me

[gianlucabr21]

Hello.

So i got a long history of mental issues, i was diasgnosed with bipolar disorder at 21, 6 months before my dad died i was also abused by him for some time, i had panic syndrome at 7 years of age so i belive that it was when the abuse started, i also suffered from bullying for about 8 years, with 15 years of age the sexual abuse stopped, my father was abusive and alcoholic, with 21 he died and i went into a mental breakdown i devoleped what was belived to be a bipolar disorder and pshychosis and also got addicted to cocaine, i live in Rio de janeiro, cocaine is easy to get and is also very cheap 1 dollar gets you about 1 gram in the favelas, my current status is that im 1 year sober and my diagnosis went from bipolar to ADHD, im taking strimulants but for some reason i actually got depressed and my memory got sharper i can remember things that went wrong in the pass and.

Since a while i have flashbacks and disocciations, they are not very strong but i lose myself in the thoughts often,i work as a security guard, when im in my rest hour i get myself staring at the wall for about 1 hour just smoking cigarretes and remembaring my past, things that went wrong doing nothing i just stare at the wall i think about things , after that i go to work like nothing has happend i joke, laugh and do my thing like nothing happend.

In Brazil PTSD is not a thing at least officialy, even with the high violence stauts, however i ask to myself what is wrong with me, i tried everything stopped doing drugs, i took ritalin and modafinil i also tried atomaxine, and i just cant feel right, i have nightmares sometimes, i cant sleep right, my mood swings and i cant get rid of somethings that i did in the past, i studied a lot of War related stuff and was a reasearche for the Brazilian Navy so PTSD was always on my mind, PTSD diagnose is not common in Brazil, i actually lost hope for that, but i wonder is it plausible that this may actually be happeening to me.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for the english.

 

[Sideways]

Congrats on your sobriety, and welcome!

You wouldn’t be the first person with childhood trauma to be misdiagnosed with BPD instead of complex PTSD. It’s most telling in folks with no history of bipolar, or anything that looks like it was probably bipolar, in their genes. The Body Keeps the Score does a good job of breaking that issue down.

Having tried a range of things that haven’t worked, for other mental health conditions you might have, maybe it’s time to address and heal from the childhood nightmare? Life is worth it, and we only get one shot at it:)

 

[arfie]

hello gian. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. your english seems quite equal to the sharing. i think i understood you just fine.

i have flashbacks and disocciations, they are not very strong but i lose myself in the thoughts often,

in my own herstory, these symptoms get worse without treatment. i have been in "therapy maintenance" since the turn of the millennium. that is where i have acquired enough tools and skill to be able to manage my symptoms without pro help. flashbacks and dissociation are two of my more persistent symptoms and i monitor them carefully and begin plying therapy tools as soon as possible.

In Brazil PTSD is not a thing at least officialy,

i started my recovery from child sex trafficking in 1972. ptsd didn't become a thing here in the u.s. until the mid to late 90's. bipolar has contributed the lion's share of my therapy, even though everyone agreed it didn't quite fit. it was still better than nothing. my therapy was based on symptom management far more than the diagnosis.

but i wonder is it plausible that this may actually be happeening to me.

by whatever name, there is no doubt ^this^ is actually happening to you. let the sorting begin.

gentle support while you sort. welcome aboard.

 

[Friday]

I have a bunch of things I WANT to say, but I’m not in the right headspace at the moment. So, for now?

ADHD & PTSD, me’self… as are many others on site… and everything you’re describing sounds exactly right / is what happens when ADHD+Trauma.

More later, hopefully.

Welcome!