What's Wrong With Me"

[2notbedefeated]

I'm have been sinking fast the last couple of days. I don't want to be a 'pest" or burden to anyone. However, I feel so lost. People assume things about me that are not accurate.

People think I'm doing okay. I guess I have become and expert at the role I took on growing up. Lookiing fine on the outside, but dying on the inside.

I was always the good little girl. I hate that little girl, hate, hate, hate her. :crazy: Yet, I felt damaged beyond repair and no one knew I was dying inside. If others knew the truth they would know that I was not that "good" little girl they thought I was.

My Mom would tell others that at a very young age, 5 yrs and maybe even younger, she could trust me to stay out of trouble. She would brag that she could leave me in a room alone and I would never get into trouble. I had no friends and was always alone. It was not safe to allow anyone to get too close to me.

I didn't want to be left alone. I wanted someone to play with, but there I was, always trying to find ways to keep myself occupied. Trying to find a way to fill up my empty "love tank". Good or bad ways - it didn't matter. My abuser knew that. A touch was better than no touch. Right? :think:

This emptiness has been feeling so intense lately. I have been doing things that I now regret, in order to deal with these dreaded feelings. I really hate myself. I'm sooo hurting and don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like I am in a deep pit that I will never be able to crawl out of. Self-destruction and addiction, ugh what a nightmare, what a trap. I feel stuck and unable to get free.

No one sees me because I have sunk so deep that I'm not detectable. Trying so hard to Be the good girl and very, very lonely. Adults don't pay attention, because they feel I can be trusted and that because I are so good, they think I am just fine, so they leave me alone. But inside my heart is aching, hurting, despairing, and crying. Can I scream out, "I am NOT fine, thank you! I am not fine!

I wanted to be alone in one way. Yet, I hated feeling so lonely and empty, but I could not invite anyone into my loneliness because they would find out my hidden secret and I would be punished. If any one got too close they would know what a terrible, nasty person I am. :wall:

What is wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me. How can I find that out? How can I fix what's wrong with me? I feel like I am damaged and beyond repair. :poke:

The other person's needs are what's most important. I must help them to feel better, because I'm not worthy to have any needs. I'm not important, other's are far more important.

Then my peers and siblings are jealous because I am not getting into trouble, but they always are. I am not getting punished, but they are. They blame me for their punishment. If I wasn't so "good" then my parents would not be able to compare them to me. So they "hate" me. They don't want to be around me.

I felt and still feel sometimes like I am in a no win situation here. damned if I do and damned if I don't. :stupid:

I'm just now realizing that this is one of the ways that kept me safe. By not attracting attention to myself then others would not notice me, and then I would be able to keep safe. No one would find out that I have been molested and that I have contact with an abuser ( a peodophile in my neighborhood)that I would go to visit over and over. How stupid could I be?!

Why, oh why did I go back to him time after time? I hate that little girl, who hurts, she doesn't deserve to have feelings. I'm not human. I am an alien from another planet and that is why I cannot connect with those around me.

I didn't want to call attention to myself, because if I did, then someone might find out about my abuser and then I would be in serious trouble. They would know I was dirty and bad and take me far away. Or, my abuser would come to get me.

I feel that everything is my fault. It's always my fault, even if it doesn't have anything to do with me directly it is still my fault.

Can others understand these thoughts and feelings?

 

[A-RON]

I am so sorry to hear that. I feel like I can relate.

In my experience, I felt mentally overpowered, like I wasn't smart enough or like I didn't have the judgment to know what was best for me, and my abuser used this to control me. It's a mind game. I felt like there was nothing I could do because I depended on this person, and somehow there would be a major consequence if I didn't let him control me.

What I've learned now is that I don't give a s*** what people think of me. If there's a consequence, f*** it. I'll survive. I never had a type A aggressive personality before, but I do now, and it's invigorating. Of course, everyone copes differently.

We're all here to listen. I wish you the very best.

A

 

[fin]

2not you have connected with others...you have connected here.
People do see you ...we see you here

Dont hate that little girl...she was so very young 2not.

These feelings will pass, they will pass, you are working and moving forward. It will get better, it will...

fin

 

[Irton Pike]

There are lots of people on here who have suffered. The normal human reaction to something horrible beyond the normal human experience is to feel the way you describe. Its normal. Its Ok. And you can move on from it. Well done for getting it out!

 

[missy8888]

Hang in there

there isn't a damb thing wrong with you hun. What you are feeling is normal under the circumstances. You have been through alot. You don't need to hate that little girl either.

You where a child and you didn't have the maturity to make decisions and understand them.. NOTHING YOU DID THEN WAS YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!

You should of been loved and nutured and cared for, and you wern't, and now you are feeling lonely. That is okay, it's not your fault.

you don't need to put on a show for anyone. If you are having a hard time, just say so. And don't feel bad about it. You are entitled to have a bad day. a bad week, ah hell a bad month!! lol, if you want. No guilt. Goodness, you have earned that right.

You deserve to have feelings.. good feelings, bad feelings, happy feelings, angry feelings.. and you deserve to have your needs met.
Some days, you need to TAKE CARE OF YOU, and that is it..

There is that saying " I can only make one person happy a day, today is NOT your day"... you should post that on your fridge... and keep it in mind when you are having a hard day.. just remember to take care of you first...

:Hug_emoticon:

 

[2notbedefeated]

Aww, thanks. that is probably the hardest thing for me to do. i don't feel i can be kind and take care of myself. that is a foreign thought and i know nothing else, then to beat up myself - that is what makes me feel good.

i know that's crazy and it has to change, its very hard though. please remind me to do that when you remember. if you catch me putting myself down tell me. its an automatic habit right now. comes too easy to be hard on myself.

i know its nuts, but the only way i have been able to motivate myself to do "anything", i have to start by putting myself down. :poke: Focus on all my faults and that is what propels me to action. does anyone else here do that? twisted i know, but with great friends like you, maybe i will start to learn to be challenged to change that.

"A-RON" ijust wanted to say that i understand about the abuser control thing. Thats what the pedophile "creep" did to me. he brainwashed me. if you want i share this in my trauma diary - "humpty dumpty diary" he totally tried to so confuse me and mess up my brain trying to make me feel crazy and confused. :dontknow::eek:

if he could keep me confused (cause he always changed the rules to the "game") then when and if i ever talked to someone, i would come across as the crazy one that couldn't get things straight. he hoped when and if i talked that there would be such confusion in my talking about stuff that others would think i was the "confused one" i would be the one that was the problem and not able to seperate reality from That's what my therapist thinks this creep was trying to do to me.

nite all, thanks again for taking time to respond. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Petunia]

A PTSD Story

Hi ToNotBeDefeated:

Thank you for sharing and "yes" I can relate! I was recently diagnosed with PTSD about three years ago at the age of 25, but only recently have begun to accept that I have this condition, by admitting my powerlessness over "trauma and the effects of trauma". A boyfriend from high school abandoned me and I'm sure it had to do with my untreated PTSD. It is difficult for me to be loving towards others. I experienced various forms of abuse as a child and adolescent; such as, neglect, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, etc... I am also a "loner" and have a difficult time trusting people. Depression is something I struggle with on a routine basis and I have struggled with suicidal states. There are days when I am grateful to just practice self-care and to act courteous towards others. There are days when I doubt that I'll ever be married, have a healthy relationship, have a fulfilling career and succeed. :mad: I feel angry about these doubts. Sometimes, I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall, when I find myself, after almost seven years of 12 step recovery, dissociating in the middle of a conversation with another person:wall:. Yet, I know that I need to acknowledge my resentments and maintain hope and applaud:clap: myself for my own accomplishments. I can hug:Hug_emoticon: people who are in my life and care about me. And, I can stop beating:crazy: myself over the head with self-criticism. I'm glad that you shared and this Forum helps my recovery and allows me to step out of shame and into truth.

Sincerely,
Petunia

 

[2notbedefeated]

I just wanted others to know i'm alittle better. I went to church and had someone pray with me.

i'm still feeling a pressuring, or boiling of something inside and I'm not sure exactly what is going on. I feeling intense sadness and a need to withdraw, pull away. I feel so far away.
Even my lap top key board feels far away I can barely feel myself touching the keys. I feel like i'm handicapped because my fingers just have a hard time pushing down on the keys.

Okay, this is weird, what is this? A fading away, a dissociation. I feel like I am trying to be sucked in some strange hole that is bottomless. It's scary and usually scary things come to memory if I give into it and just let it take me in. Should I? or Should I not?

 

[patrick]

"Intense sadness and a need to withdraw, pull away." Yeah, I definitely understand that; it's the story of my life. And the thing about it being your fault? Yup, everything is always all my fault. Like you, the only way I ever get anything done, especially lately, is to beat the crap out of myself first. For me it's a feeling that nothing matters enough to go to the trouble. I can relate to most of what you say. My trauma was not caused by abuse, so I don't think I can truly understand what those feelings are about. I think all of us here have a lot of the same symptoms. As far as the scary memories go, have you experienced this feeling before? Seems to me like getting those memories back is part of the recovery. I have been trying desperately to recover some of mine, without much success. You describe a bottomless hole sucking you in. Do you have a choice? Can you fight to stay out of it. And if you do, do you think it will go away for good?

Dealing with this stuff is just plain hard, at least it is for me. You are showing a great deal of courage writing these things down, asking for help, seeking ideas from other people. You probably know what you can survive better than any of us. Please take care of yourself, but take as much risk as you can stand to get better. I would really love to see you post about a new insight and a great step forward.

I, for one, am here for you, pulling for your success. You inspire me.

Pat