Relationship When Did You Decide You Were Done?

[byasliver]

I have been fighting this battle with my husband for over a year now. I know to some that will seem like nothing but there has been VERY little positive change in that year. Hubs is ex-military and when I believe his PTSD set in, it was a hectic homecoming for him and he was rushed through outprocessing. He had told me prior to that that he knew all the "right" answers to avoid being diagnosed with PTSD. That was 4 years ago and he has been deployed for various assignments since but finally got out of the military last summer. He was okay for about the first month but after that it was like he was a completely different person. Very verbally abusive and almost completely isolating himself. And he is in complete denial about all of it - in fact, he blames me for mostly everything! It is to the point now that there are no "little positives" for me to look at for hope. Our relationship is no longer a marriage - it's barely even a civil partnership.

I'm pretty fed up with hearing how I need to be patient and understanding - I've been that and more for over a year! All the while he seems to be able to act however he chooses with little accountability. Yes, I've already been through counseling and feel GREAT about myself for the first time ever - but this relationship is totally draining me. I've read so many other accounts where spouses talk about hanging on to those "good days" but we don't have those. At best we have days that just aren't bad. He's not raging anymore but he is still isolating himself and I honestly can't remember the last time he said something even remotely nice to me - not even a "did you have a good day?" Yes, it's THAT bad.

So, I'm wondering: when did you know that you were on a sinking ship and needed to give up on the relationship?

 

[felicia]

Well...Do you still love him? If you do and I mean love him so much you don't want to be without him I suggest you don't give up on your relationship with him and sit and have a serious conversation about how you are feeling. If you do not love him anymore and don't see a future than why torture yourself? Relationships are stressful and complicated *sigh*

 

[ms spock]

Are you doing things to live your own life? That might be helpful rather than waiting around for him to start being present again.

Not sure how to answer your other questions but there living your own life might be the best strategy for now.

 

[Court]

I have learned the hard way and me thinking about me and my children first ad moving forward with our lives. I promise you if they don't seek any help its not going to get better for the long haul.

Once I started fixing me I realized how much I had lost dealing with verbal abuse and that even though the man I love is there sometimes it's not worth the feeling of worthlessness to be with him. I hold my head high some days I cry some days I'm excited but I can't be his security blanket.

Mine is currently seeking help while deployed and says he will continue when coming home. I'm glad he is seeking help for him but at this point we are pretty much done. I am not running to get divorced and my T asked me to hold on a little longer without him knowing to see what treatment does for him.

At the end of the day though we all have different breaking points and some can hold on longer. You have to put you first and go from there!

Court

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Who the heck is telling you to be patient and understanding?!? They are wrong! Let me explain.

Patience and understanding shouldn't be handed out unconditionally to someone who works the system to avoid a PTSD diagnosis, is verbally abusive, and refuses to work on himself.

You've been more than patient and understanding up to this point. You can do no more for him. He needs to want to get better. You can't fix him. Confrontation stinks, but at this point, do you have much to lose? Can you go on living like this?

I am a sufferer.

 

[nursenurse]

Sometimes folks have to hit rock bottom before they can move up again. You need to make your own life without him. Solara said it best - patience and understanding shouldn't be handed out unconditionally, especially under your circumstances in my opinion. Take those feelings of self worth that you have found through counselling and run with them. Confront him by all means, but I wouldn't be too patient and understanding if he says he will go for help only to keep you around. I would still make a separate a life of my own (meaning move out), and see, if you are both still interested, much, much later, where he is in his healing process. Good luck.

 

[kahlan]

Patience and understanding only go so far. If it's to the point that boundaries are constantly crossed and behavior has become abusive, by all means get out. No one deserves to be put down or treated badly and PTSD or any other condition is not an excuse for bad behavior. Do what you need to do for you and if he gets help and down the line when you and he are both in better places,if it's. still an option you can try again, but only if both of you 1) are truly wanting the relationship and 2) boundaries are firmly in place.

I did four years in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship and wouldn't wish that kind of hurt on.anyone.

Communication and respect need to be there for it to work, and he doesn't seem too be able to give you either of them now, so Do You and takke care of yourself. Most of all good luck!

 

[byasliver]

Sorry I haven't been back to read and respond to all the great replies. It's been really...well, crazy.

When I made the original post my husband had just moved to a tiny apartment in a nearby town because he'd finally gotten a job after being out of work for over a year. I had high hopes that the job and some distance between us might be beneficial. Instead, it just gave him more freedom to sink into his illness. I also had some time to do some digging and found numerous records from his military career over the last few years that CLEARLY indicate he was having problems for years but the military blamed him and then sent him home to me with no warning whatsoever about his violent/aggressive behaviour.

Because he was away from home so much due to assignments, I didn't realize how much he'd changed. I also learned of several incidents of probably infidelity. I say "probable" because I have no definitive proof that he actually had sex with another woman - but TONS of proof that he has at least tried. I've tried so hard to hang on because this is completely different from the man I married but I finally reached a point of saying "enough." I mean, I have a stack of papers proving his mental unbalance that is ridiculous - to the point that even my therapist (who is very careful with giving "absolute" answers) said that there is no way my husband would get custody of our son if we divorce and that even getting an emergency hearing would be a definite if my husband decides to carry out his threat of taking my son away from me.

So, here is where I'm at now: I met with our therapist yesterday and we worked together on a plan to confront my husband this weekend and safeguard myself afterwards. Again, this is a man (the therapist) who always tries to get you to see the other side of things but now he is to the point of saying, "you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself." We are honestly expecting a VERY bad reaction from my husband - the therapist was going over stuff like keeping my keys and my cellphone on me at all times and try to get my kids out of the house this weekend.

I wrote an extremely gentle and loving letter to my husband about my concerns and fears and will email it to him Friday evening just before he should arrive here. There is no ultimatum given in the letter - just me talking about how much I love him and want to see things improve. Then we have an appointment with the therapist Saturday morning. In the therapist's office is when/where I will draw my "line in the sand." It is a tough one but necessary. We simply don't think, after a year of trying so many other options, that anything else will get through to him. I am terrified even to the point of wondering if I should go through with this but the alternative is remaining in a marriage that appears loveless, full of deceit and infidelity and control and things only getting worse. It has not been like I hear so many other vet wives talk about with "good days and bad days." At best we've had tolerable days and bad days.

And my anger at the military is through the roof! They ended his career (honorably because he played nice and left quietly) because he was making threats to other soldiers - telling them he was going to kill them! And they sent him home as if he was fine. Even when he went to the VA a few months later admitting anger issues, they said, "Oh, it's nothing. Just a little trouble adjusting to civvy life." The man was threatening to kill people and it wasn't the first time he'd been in trouble for violence/aggression! In fact, it was the final incident of his career in a series of escalating incidents! And the absolute worst part is that because the military told him he was fine, that's the excuse he keeps giving for not getting help and for saying it's me and everyone else who dares to not do things the way he thinks they should be done who is mentally ill!

But dealing with the military's ineptitude and culpability in all this is a fight for another day. For now, I'm taking one last shot at getting him the help he needs because I do love him so dearly. However, if he still insists on denying it all, I'm walking away. Sadly, I know I'm not walking away from the man I love - he is buried so deep in his mental illness that he may never come out of this. I lost my husband a long time ago and this is just my final attempt at getting at least some part of him back.

 

[nursenurse]

Heartbreaking, my thoughts and prayers are with you. If you don't protect yourself first, you cannot protect your children. The military has a lot to be accountable for. I am so sorry. :(

 

[ds112496]

It infuriates me that the military keeps glossing over the problems of its soldiers and expecting the family to deal with it. My husband is currently deployed and came home on mid tour about 6 weeks ago to file for divorce. I had no clue because we had been talking almost every day and there was no indication before he left or the few months he was gone that he was planning this. I am left wondering what has "triggered" this episode since I have never seen him act this way. He looked like a different person. Someone who had checked out from reality. He proceeded to spend a lot of money forcing me to deplete our emergency fund just to pay bills. He completely cut me off from access to his mypay leaving me completely in the dark wondering if he changed the direct deposit and if I will have money to pay bills. He purchased a 2nd gun, got several, very "dark", tattoos, drank excessively and barely saw our daughter. He even talked about suicide.

I made so many calls to places on the base to get him help before he went back. No one took me seriously and his rear detachment commander gave the information to the 1st sgt to "deal" with. Well his way of dealing with it was to treat it like a marital issue and had my husband call me. Did anything change? NO! I even talked to his sgm in Afghanistan and told him everything. He assured me that he would be command referred to mental health when he got back. Based on the amount of time he spends online and things my daughter has said I am doubtful that he was sent.

Now he is using our daughter as "messenger" to get information from me about bills he said he would pay. Seriously?!? Are you that much of a coward to use your 16 yr old daughter instead of sending me an email. I was told from his parents, who had emailed me for the same information, that his lawyer told him not to contact me. I have no clue who this person is. The only thing I know for sure is that I am the target for his anger and aggression. I never asked for this and don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating me. No one does. I never wanted a divorce, but my feelings clearly do not matter.

I guess the point of my rant was to say that it is crazy for the military to think that spouses and other family members are equipped to deal with these issues. It simply puts us in the position to be the bad guy, feeling unsafe in our own homes, and wondering when the next explosion will be. My family, and all the other families that have been affected by multiple deployments are simply casualties from a decade of war. We never asked for this but because we love our soldier and stand behind him we do our best to get them the help they so desperately need.

Byasliver, my thoughts are with you. Be strong and know that you are not alone.