Relationship When Do You Draw The Line?

[Courage]

My boyfriend came back from overseas a few months back. Just recently his PTSD has come out and is getting bad. It seemed like out of nowhere, when life started slowing down and getting back to normal, he completely shut down, started drinking heavily and even made me move out of our home saying that he is in a dark place and he loves me too much to drag me through this. He says that its not me or anything wrong with our relationship, its him. He said i deserve better and hes not going to change his mind, that nobody can help, nothing in his life brings him happiness and excitement any more and he has lost all hope and optimism for his/our future and cant explain it......he goes through stages where hes acts completely fine and we're back on track and then all of the sudden he will completely stop answering his phone for a couple of days. I never know how to act or what to do....i feel like im chasing him down to help him but then if i give him his space and separate myself he thinks im not talking to him? I'm not sure that he is willing to get professional help but from what I am reading on all of these blogs this is textbook PTSD....

This has been such a traumatic experience, I feel like my fairy tale was just ripped out from underneath me. I dont know where his mind is at so I'm not sure what to do. I want to support him but he acts like he doesnt even need me in his life. so do i stop? is he doing this to push me away to "protect" me? and should I expect him to ever come back around and want to make this work? I can't help but blame myself even though I know this has nothing to do with me. Any advice would be so helpful.

 

[KO18]

Courage... First of all, welcome to the group!
I could have written that myself! I am going through a very similar situation and have many of the same questions floating through my head. If you haven't already, I recommend that you take a look at Anthony's article on the home page that explains so much.

Has he discussed the idea of seeking professional help and shot it down? or the topic hasn't come up? The one thing that I have learned over the last month or so from others on this site is that the person has to be willing to help themselves. They have to be willing to get the help that they need.

Make sure that through all of this that you are taking care of yourself and looking out for your own wellbeing.

I know how it feels to not have phone calls answered or receiving no response to text messages. Then to feel like you are chasing them down or ignoring them if you give them their space. BF and I have come up with a system that is still in progress but seems to be working.... If I call or text him, and he is having a stressful day or not feeling well, he sends back a simple text to let me know, and I can give him his space. In turn, when he is in his low period (which is during the winter), he makes a conscience effort to send me little texts just to say hi or good morning. Same with phone calls.... If I call and he doesn’t answer, I will get a text to let me know that he is stressed or not feeling well.

He does the best when there are specific plans and he knows when and where we are going to go do something. We even plan out evenings at home. Dinner at _____, rent ____ movie, bed, breakfast at _______. Takes a little bit of the romance out of it, but we get to spend quality time together and he knows exactly what to expect. Again, this is what is working (so far) for us, may not work for others.

From my experience, I feel that if it were not for his medication and counseling, that he would not be able to compromise and focus on making "us" work.

I have been reading "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England. It is really interesting and has really helped me especially with how to communicate when I have a concern about something that I would like to work on without it feeling like a confrontation to him.

Not sure how much that helped... I am still a newbie with all of this too... Definitely learning as I go!

 

[myvetswife]

Welcome! When you write from overseas, do you mean military? Sounds all so familiar...it take a lot of energy.

 

[Courage]

Welcome! When you write from overseas, do you mean military? Sounds all so familiar...it take a lot of energy.

yes! he is a sniper for the Marine Corps. had a very rough deployment over the summer. (Afghanistan)

 

[Courage]

KO18.....it is such a relief knowing that im not the only one going through this. i have been so torn up and confused during this entire process!! I've even let my mind start wondering off to whether he's met someone else...its just hard right now to grasp this whole thing. I have spoken to him about getting professional help but right now he thinks that nothing will help him. He has been drinking himself blind for weeks now and is getting more and more frustrated with his emotions (or lack there of)......Some days he says he's willing to seek counseling, others he just doesnt care enough to and seems to accept his reality. I know he cant get better without help so I'm hoping that this constant rollercoaster will eventually get old and he'll try to get back on track.

it seems like every question ive asked the answer is "i dont know"....so ive stopped asking any questions.
I've read some responses on this website that have encouraged not mirroring their reactions so ive tried to be as much like me, as positive and as up-beat and encouraging as I can....even if its one of those days when he doesnt respond. It is a hard pill to swallow that he is no longer the man I am so madly in love with, but I will love him through this. some days are worse than others. Some i can't help but have self-pity and grieve over the person and future that ive lost so tragically.....others i feel strong enough to keep him up and take care of myself. That has been the hardest part....taking care of myself....from day one he has been my number one priority and the first thing that I consider when making any decision...esp when he was deployed!! so to focus on myself seems nearly impossible. As pathetic as this sounds, I've been so wrapped up in his situation and well-being for the past month I feel like its a special occassion that i get out of sweatpants and leave the house! lol i know i can't help him until i can stand on my own two feet but not knowing where we stand as a relationship makes it that much harder. Im just lost right now and dont know when this will ever get better.

I have decided to seek counseling myself. im hoping it will help all-around. he doesnt know how he feels, doesnt know if he wants to push me away or not, doesnt know anything. am I being silly thinking this is ptsd? or is this normal? i wish we could come up with a code like you and your bf! that seems like it would work great. at least you know where he stands from day to day. ill try that!

Im so glad i found this page. and so glad I have somewhere to vent!

 

[KO18]

Venting is definitely important! Having an outlet (other than your sufferer) is vital since they can't handle their own stress, let alone ours! I know it is tempting to want to "love them through it" but they have to love themselves through it, and seek help. We can be there to support them but we can't fix them.

Seeking counseling for yourself is the first step in looking out for you! Try to find something else for you to do as well... find a place to volunteer, take up a new hobby (Pinterest is a great place to find some projects!), pick up a new book, find some girls and have a girls night out.... but make sure that your wellbeing is first on your list. It is just like on an airplane when they tell you that in the event of a crash to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. We are no good to them if we are a ball of mess ourselves. I have noticed that it takes stress off of BF to know that my life does not revolve around him.

Also make sure to give him his space and be patient.... He will appreciate that you stuck it out and didn't push in the long run.