When I'm On The Brink Of Remembering Something

[kagamine]

Sometimes I get flashbacks to weird but not overtly traumatic memories from my early childhood. Like disconnected pieces of memories, the things that happen in them aren't always very suspicious, but it's more the feeling that comes with them, this horrible feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin. Mostly they play out like movies, I see them from an outside perspective and they feel surreal almost like dreams.

Lately, I've been questioning one of the more recurring ones. I had to have been around six, it was summer and that dusk evening time. And my mom and my siblings were playing outside, I'm watching them from my bedroom. I'm in my pajamas and I just know that I can't go outside. That I've done something really bad and I'm being punished. Then my mom comes upstairs and asks why I'm not outside playing with everybody and I start crying and tell her I can't and she just walks away. That's where it cuts out.

I started wondering what the heck happened before that, why I was there and why I would act that way, and it was the creepiest thing, I just heard what had to have been my own voice, it sounded like me, saying "no, you can't go there" and just had this really intense panic attack and then checked out for the rest of the afternoon. I haven't dissociated involuntarily in a while. I've noticed before when I think too much about certain things I check out, but this was different.

I'm kind of confused about where my head's at and what's going on up there.

 

[Whirlwind]

I can't help but I can relate. I have these odd memories, sometimes just pieces of a puzzle, I don't even have the whole scene...and yet it just churns away in my mind during the day. I'm just doing my thing and I realize I've been mentally "chewing" on it for hours/days or more.

I think something is coming....just wait. I had a very interesting moment when I was very relaxed/preoccupied doing a repetitive mindless task...and suddenly something hit me, it floored me. And I totally dissociated, it was unreal. I am/was so frustrated!! I HAD it, whatever it was and then it was gone. My therapist said I threw a protective "circuit breaker" and that was ok, necessary for now.

So for what that is worth....my therapist says things will return as necessary for healing and when the "organism" is ready...he thinks our bodies and minds are very smart and know what it best for us. I do know when I spend quiet time by myself, calm, pleasant time..occupying myself iwth something repetitive and relaxing...picking blackberries in a field....cleaning the house on a sunny day...and I'm under no pressure, husband is gone on a trip etc. thats when the big stuff breaks through. I have to be careful actually...its like it waits for me, for the right time.

Best, Whirlwind