When It Hurts So Bad On The Inside

[Criss]

I am new here and fairly new at posting or talking about my issues. I am an incest survivor and rape survivor who has had up to now a seemingly normal life of ups and owns, marriage ; divorces . I know that may not be normal but its my normal. I am currently married and had a seemingly good life. But at night when it began to get dark, so did I. I cried, I did laundry until 2am, I cleaned the windows, mopped. You name it I did it. When I would lay down with my husband, I would try to sleep very soundly and not move, too afraid that if i wake him up he will want to have sex, and I simply didn't. Its not that important to me. We started out fine and sex was okay, I could handle it but as the years have gone by and children are growing I am feeling things differently. I have panic attacks, control issues, anxiety attacks that take over my days, and the thought that if he touches me one more time.....I love him. I do. Its the sex part that I can NOT deal with right now. WHY? WHY?WHY? where did this come from now? I used to be normal, now I am out of work on temporary medical leave because its taking over my ability to function at all. My husband now can't look at me, if he does it's a disgusted look. He refuses to go to counseling with me, I even had to drive my self to the ER begging for admit / because I could NOT keep myself together. He just let me go, saying "what do I tell the girls?". "You go do need what you need to do, leave us, that's all you really want anyway, is to leave us" ITS NOT... ITS NOT... I WANT TO BE A NORMAL PERSON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I am hurting YOU and I am sorry.

My husband is very sexually driven, gropes a lot, and I can't handle it anymore. WHY? What has changed in my head????In my body???? I could handle it before, I could live through it, drown out the past, put it in a box and lock it away. NOW I CAN'T FIND THE BOX !!!! I cry every day, every night, I am on a self pity kick, and feel like I have let my husband down and want so much to make him happy again, but now even when I say its okay , He says he will never be able to look at me or have sex with me again without his own guilt and doesn't know what to do about that ... OH ITS A MESS

Does it get better?

 

[ProudWife99]

Criss- In answer to your question, it CAN get better. Only you can determine if it will. I hope you are seeking treatment currently, as it sounds to be like you are definately at your wits end with it all. You have every right to be. Allow yourself to do what is best for you.

It is also important that your husband try counseling, for your benefit and for his. If he says he cannot look at you or have sex with you again because of his own guilt, that is not your burden to carry. It is his.

I didn't struggle with intimacy at all for most of my adult life. A year into my marriage I freaked one night and begged my H not to touch me. He didn't. I had to figure out why. I had to talk about difficult things with him, but I wouldn't have been able to do that knowing he was judging me. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do for you!

 

[Criss]

I wish I could get him to go. I am in treatment with a psychologist still waiting for an appointment with psychiatrist there is such a demand around here and such a waiting list. I also have the stipulation that I only want to speak to a woman which is probably going to have to change if I ever want to get in. I have an "intake" appointment but that only means I will be in the system. I want to make things better and I always feel myself pulling away and pulling inside. No one understands how much pain can be inside someone, because there are no outward scars, bleeding etc. so no one really understands when I say my insides HURT and I am looking for a zipper so I can crawl out of my own skin.

My H knows my history but now thinks, that I think he reminds of that...HE doesn't the act sometimes take me back, I can't change it. He can't handle it and we are at a stalemate for now

 

[Heather]

no one really understands when I say my insides HURT

I'm sorry you're going through this. My history is very similar to yours. I was sexually abused by my father as a child and then a few years ago sexually assaulted by my brother-in-law.

I really get it when you say that your insides hurt. I usually describe it as an emotional ache and you are right that unless someone has experienced similar abuse they just don't get it.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know that I definitely understand where you are coming from.

Hugs.

 

[evergreen]

Criss--

I have been in your shoes. I don't think it is abnormal for those of us with traumas (especially sexual traumas) to have our sexual issues surface until later in life. I loved sex with my husband for several years before it turned into repulsion. Then he got offended that he triggered me. Things really haven't been great sexually for years now. But they are improving. I just wanted to let you know that it is normal for sex to become freaky even if it was ok in the past.

Hugs for encouragement :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

((((((Criss)))))

I go though the same thing and with therapy and understanding it CAN get better.

Take care of YOURSELF.

 

[AABMT]

I am so sorry you are struggling. It's confusing when a switch is turned inside your mind and heart that makes everything change and feel like what worked before will not work anymore.

If your H isn't open to therapy together, is he open to reading about it? I am very new to the forum so maybe someone can direct you to something you can print and ask him to read so he can understand a little? Or maybe your T has something they can give you to at least open the dialogue for you to try to get him to understand your pain more and learn that it honestly is not him. Just a thought.

 

[Criss]

I am working on him .. he is trying I think but not sure what to expect is his weakness

 

[TSG]

I am sort of in your shoes but he doesn't know that I want to scream every single time he gropes me. When we first got together, before the severe assault, I was fine with it and even found it sort of amusing. Now, I can't stand it. I can't tell him because it would hurt his feelings so badly and he would take it as a rejection of him, personally. I have been coping by just going into my head and screaming bloody murder inside myself. In there, in my imagination, I can scream all I want to. It helps me get past it. I have to do that all the time.

 

[Criss]

I had to be intimate last night with H, once it was all done I got up and went to bed with daughter and cried. I DO NOT LIKE IT, but to keep him happy I do this ... I scream in my head too!!! It just keeps from screaming at him

 

[evergreen]

(((Criss)))

I have experienced that too. I would be screaming inside and imagining pushing him off. You aren't alone.

 

[evergreen]

TSG, I recently told my husband that it is disrespectful to grope a woman. He pointed out how I used to like it. I don't know why I liked it before and don't know. Maybe my hormones were more active in the past. Maybe my body was wanting to have children.

It's so awful when the scream is stuck inside.