I'm in the midst of breaking up with my partner of 3 years. My therapist says I pretty much have to - that the constant walking on eggshells has really made my C-PTSD grow.
I know deep down my therapist (and friends I've talked to) is right. Being in this relationship is causing me harm. I mean, I even get a stress-rash when I'm around her sometimes.
So then why can't I leave?
I did plan for a while - I put some money aside and even had a "bug-out" kit ready to go. And then one day the last big argument we had I just couldn't take it anymore and I grabbed my bag and left. I went to an aunt's house who was away overseas for a couple of months.
For the first night I felt 'safe' and had a good sleep. But then over the coming days the depression started to creep in more and more and more until it was unbearable. I ended up getting physically sick and even worse mentally - I couldn't leave the house, developed numb legs and couldn't even walk up a set of stairs. I ended up taking leave from work I was so depressed and unable to concentrate.
So I moved back - sort of. I came back but have been sleeping in another room. We've become roommates, living independently of each other, with not much affection. This is not ideal at all and feels worse, but at least the physical side of things got better and I was able to return to work.
I had a plan - I would stay at my aunts and find somewhere to live. I would keep communication to a minimum, I would join a gym, I would make an effort to hang out with friends more, I would indulge in my favourite pastimes. But my stupid brain and body prevented that and now I'm just about back where I started only with a more damaged psyche and relationship.
This is just so horrible. This "big step forward" was definitely 2 steps backward.
I know deep down my therapist (and friends I've talked to) is right. Being in this relationship is causing me harm. I mean, I even get a stress-rash when I'm around her sometimes.
So then why can't I leave?
I did plan for a while - I put some money aside and even had a "bug-out" kit ready to go. And then one day the last big argument we had I just couldn't take it anymore and I grabbed my bag and left. I went to an aunt's house who was away overseas for a couple of months.
For the first night I felt 'safe' and had a good sleep. But then over the coming days the depression started to creep in more and more and more until it was unbearable. I ended up getting physically sick and even worse mentally - I couldn't leave the house, developed numb legs and couldn't even walk up a set of stairs. I ended up taking leave from work I was so depressed and unable to concentrate.
So I moved back - sort of. I came back but have been sleeping in another room. We've become roommates, living independently of each other, with not much affection. This is not ideal at all and feels worse, but at least the physical side of things got better and I was able to return to work.
I had a plan - I would stay at my aunts and find somewhere to live. I would keep communication to a minimum, I would join a gym, I would make an effort to hang out with friends more, I would indulge in my favourite pastimes. But my stupid brain and body prevented that and now I'm just about back where I started only with a more damaged psyche and relationship.
This is just so horrible. This "big step forward" was definitely 2 steps backward.