Where I'm At..

[Deleted member 24866]

Brief intro: Gang raped, and left for dead in a swamp..then exploited as a runaway at 15. Also childhood (and occasional homelessness issues -though employed.

Now going on 40. Was diagnosed as schizoaffective and have been watching patterns form over the last 10 years. Counselor believes a misdiagnosis and coming reevaluation and all the places start falling into place. Have suppressed for so long I am on a high wire balancing act,.. and life has forced me to take 2 weeks off. (thank God!! I made it!) Recent bout with Chantix sent me into an episode do to extreme volatility and recovering. Full blown episodes can include hallucinations occasionally (Carl Jung's work on the Shadow has been helpful here.. I need to learn to stay present and not suppress negative emotion, I am very out of touch),

Temporary increase in meds (Abilify) and no more Chantix has averted that thankfully. (And have made tremendous progress learning to manage this illness to avoid such escalations,)
Currently struggling with dissociation and understand I can not progress till I learn self soothing skills, and how to accept and communicate negative emotions that -I was never allowed to feel..

I have to (as I must quit smoking for health reasons and it is clearly a huge crutch, but also identified to creating a hormonal imbalance which also complicated things psychologically) What a mess.. sorting it out.

Curious about EMDR therapies . I have heard have had many success stories in sexual trauma issues especially, if anyone has suggestions also for self soothing ideas, and how to begin a journey exploring "mindfulness" I would appreciate your shared wisdom. Quality of life is dependent on me acquiring this knowledge and skill. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Thankful for the articles and books. I get the core beleifs thing, for sure there is a general sense of worthlessness.. and yet I also see I must be brave and face the demons that I have been called to face, as they have enslaved me far to long effecting my judgment, influencing decisions.. and calling me back.

[It felt like I have literal demons that have chased me.. at 21 I went to study the Bible and was raped.. so devastated/even God could not protect me.. He was of an eastern culture I asked him to marry me and take away the shame- believing that the same force that was attacking me would then protect me. Yes- I married, and learned to love a man who raped me. ...till after his citizenship came, and he started the violence again- MY first hallucination.. well other than the screams I heard at the time of the gang rape. (Someone told me perhaps they were my own and I am so disconnected. I have only about 15 seconds worth of memory from the event)]

I have done a small amount of reading on integration.. and I believe I can do this granted the time I need to make the reality. Currently I am in school for investigations.. and hope to do some even if it must be volunteer work with runaways to attempt combat human trafficking. Becoming aware of the general federal and state legal infrastructure. But alas.. I gotta get to a better and more stable spot. Life has been extremely hectic.. I have been under enormous pressure, no time for a "self"... so alas, I'm cracking a bit..but I am leveling out.

Have come to recognize a couple new realizations through the last 2 breakups (with my now in-recovery //alcoholic/boyfriend/father of our son)- 1) I am afraid to be alone [....90% of rapists in my "opinion"-sadly it is a pattern do not attack an involved gal.] Fall into an adrenaline response very rapidly... ((It was heightened time before last by the stalker I have messing with me right at the same time))... 2) also my really shitty communication skills teamed with the esteem issues in dealing with these negative emotions

Ultimately I just want to say thank you for this sight.. and the hope it brings to me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Self soothing is one of those things that is tailored to your own personal preferences. Soothing ideas are almost all related to one or more of your senses. For example, taking a hot bath which would appeal to your sense of touch, eating something comforting which would appeal to your sense of taste, scents which appeal to your sense of smell, calming pictures which appeal to your sense of sight, or music to appeal to your sense of hearing.

For me, touch is very soothing. I have a number of blankets on my bed and I love the feel of them. My clothes have to fit just the right way so I feel comforted by wearing them. My stuffed animals are all made from the same type of fabric, etc. I also find scent to be very soothing. I have more perfumes than you can shake a stick at. Demeter has an AWESOME line of real-smelling scents (that is they're designed to smell exactly like the item they're named for rather than being an approximation like most other brands). One of my favorites is honeysuckle, the only drawback is that I can't eat the nectar! Lol.

Start a list of things that soothe you. I keep all of my coping skills in a small notebook that I can take with me if necessary. It helps having all my skills in one place as when I'm in a bad place I can reference them all at once. I also have a soothing box that has my favorite scents in it, smooth stones for grounding that I received while in the hospital, favorite pictures, etc.

You can do a search here on the forum for other soothing ideas. Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Awesome Solera, I was just thinking about doing something similar, but that was a great start. I think I may try some aromatherapy. (encourage deep breaths as well) The dissociations get annoying at work.. and with this serious attempt to quit smoking I have to learn to be constructive with negative energy.. getting to that place where I can think again is the first step. I have the perfect little portable book I can bring to work and tuck in my purse. Perhaps I can also begin to note what triggers it when it occurs. :D

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Tonight I am being flooded with memories which have not crossed my mind for 5+ years, and I am also flooded with creativity where I must write things down fearing they will dissipate into the abyss again.

Prior to the initial onset of PTSD I was a brave soul. Even after the effects of what I had been through. The marriage offered me some security. I have forgotten that person so I would like to reflect tonight.

I needed an outlet as a stay at home mom. I was married to an Egyptian man our relationship had already disintegrated, but I was seeking fulfillment through church and charitable notions at the time. I said, there must be some reason I am here. I investigated the conditions of Egypt's poor, orphans and runaways. I saw need.. a need that would fulfill my need to love, to reach back to myself.

I found a charity, that would take my hand and accept in-kind donations having done the math and see a shipping container of releif a worthy pursuit. Wanting to drum up the depth of need I did many searches where I can across an article in the Ciaro Times that was speaking about an orphanage being shut down over trafficking and organs. The article was up for a matter of days and vanished. However what it said effected me. Even more I was determined to offer some assistance if I was able. It was a success, and I felt proud due to the fact 2 other men had tried, one wanted to send a simple pallet, and with Gods hand the support was gained to send relief and for years following until the recent instability.

~thank you Lord
I also came across a man from a different country who was seeking assistance due to persecution, for education and clean water which he claimed was being hijacked by what he called "water mafias" the rich stealing from them so they can water their lawns. Had hopes to start some small business making jewelry that I could sell for them- nonprofit. He requested a small amount for food, but it became apparent he was using the money personally so I stopped sending it, it wasn't reaching the children from the reports I got. I was working with 2 umbrella charities in order to authenticate his claims and send his funds. He blew it.

I was with him online when a college student was abducted and tortured for 5 days and later passed from injuries to his kidneys. I tried to advocate via Amnesty International. Article was posted in voice of the martyrs. Weird world.. I feel somewhat detached right now.

Anyhow.. I try, but life has stomped me down even to homelessness a couple times. Just gotta get back to my roots.
Next project I believe will be at runaway shelters following completion of my school for PI. I also would like to organize things to empower the children, perhaps some self defense courses, mentoring. I would like to work even if voluntarily with DHS Blue campaign. I have already had the "opportunity?" to send them a tip.

I reported the above stuff because I did not know what else to do. Backfired then somehow with computer viruses: but I might be paranoid.. lol
HUG THE KIDS .. :) OMG..I nearly forgot the Romanian orphans (went to Romania on my way to Egypt, to ensure my kids were being brought back home from there.. I had seen people lose children with dual citizenship and I wanted to see them board the plane home or I would not return- I was homeless when I returned, spent my last dime) I got to visit.. beautiful kids, also got to visit Egypt's orphans. I miss me. Been in a dark place for awhile.. its good to shine some light.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I feel integration.. wow. This is a good feeling continuity, finally.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Further processing: as thoughts continue to flow in.
There is a reason I have been skeptical with my X. He "warned" me, I may not be safe In Egypt. Divorce is not allowed and he said something about how people get there name in some paper and if it says "their blood is free" (hos words not mine.. ??) anyone can murder that person without consequence. (yes.. this was 8 years ago probably) I went anyway only revealing my presence with the same boarding plane home, he knew I was meeting them but I kept my location unknown while there- hence stopping in Romania to kill time and create purpose and put faith in karma..

~And I remember the beautiful children, the orphans and street folk who made me feel not so alone. We embraced. I was blessed to carry over aid collected, this time smaller amount but it was a dream come true to hold them. I swear they were psychic. I recall one instance a boy off the icy street hopped a bus and knelt down to pray in the aisle his bare feet glistening from melting snow. I defended him from the crowd who treated him like a RAT. I have him my cross, and the seat next to me. Glaring at one man in particular he swallowed his pride. I gave him enough money for a lunch and he ran off. He was dressed in his pajamas as many street kids are.

~~Anyway they and Egypt's Orphans kept me level through it as I was frightened but vowed if he tried to take the kids abduct
-trigger word (from a small town where a woman lost her children due to dual citizenship, knew of a man who was also separated from his children and the people of the church assisted getting them away. I do not know the story, that was all that was explained to me again because of a language barrier, but I saw PAIN in that mans eyes.. not to mention perhaps my prompt abduction as a run away into a trafficking scenario)
I would not come home with out them and went into homelessness to see them safe. Their grandfather was ill, and I did not want my fear to prevent me from seeing him before he passed. I remember him fondly.

Also he once advised me to go ahead and attempt a repair on a washing machine full of water, and the car I was given had one bolt.. yes just one holding the engine in. (He had salvaged it and done repairs).

I guess I see big changes in him now personally and I give thanks for that. He has been helpful and supportive since remarrying. But periodically his shadow from the past appears .

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I also recall in the days of gaining support for the 20 ton container approaching the panel of orthodox Bishops in hopes of attaining support. They were eating lunch. A gal went before me very kind a bit timid, they paid no heed as they shoveled their food in. I was terrified and shaking when I went in front of them. But within two phrases, they literally dropped their forks.. many mouths agape at what I had said. (I might add while my Father chuckled as it happened) This was a victory I am blessed to recall. ~All of this turning trauma into integrated beauty.

I lobbied for homelessness also and saw a victory. I can be a warrior. I will be a warrior.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I am being called to further for integrating the -prostitution I was made to face at 15 as a run away. This only occurred for 2 days following a third with an unsuccessful attempt to escape, and finally a man claiming to be a messenger from God rescued me later that day. My goal in integration is to be who I can "imagine" him to be. All I know is he was a kind man who had been abused as a child who wanted to help others. I see him as an angel. I am not quite ready to just move into this and may explore more depth elsewhere do to the private nature of it. I see no need to deviate from self analysis to fill in the ignorant, Yet I may.

Beyond that the initial traumatic event of gang rape and left for dead currently with black outs. Walking back through time.. I have no idea what others do. I look forward to exploring others diaries at some point, perhaps if it stops being a productive path I am currently on.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Seems my mind is not done, note to self CC. A smashing defeat and victory simultaneously as a previous journal hit over 20,000 views. For a bumbling lost idiot, that was a success. But its fearful to look at knowing the level of psychosis I was in at the time due to estrangement from American culture for 3 years, not even SPEAKING to any adults in my language nor phone, or computer for almost 3 years. And I did not understand the language around me only to watch body language and pick out a few words. Ahhh re-entry shock I believe.

I eventually learned to break into our office and gain access to the computer. The journal occurred after someone I thought would be of support vanished and I needed support and any point of continuity. They had been a friend for 1 year online, offering support for his loss of son and then marriage. He just let me talk and I needed that.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Having a rough day today. It was fine, until I went to counseling. I don't feel she can keep up, and is getting confused. I will have to try a different approach. I was placed in the hospital over a disagreement due to using weed. (the hospital actually gave me some back..lol) But I hate hospital stays.. especially when the drama made me have to leave my job rather than drag them through it.

I have been having instability on the home front. Left my X. It got to the point I had to face he did not love me, and I was unhappy feeling deceived by his twittering strippers and porn actresses, while he seemed to lack any desire for me, even a simple kiss, or snuggling or speech for that matter. I felt like a dog begging for a scrap of any attention. Currently I harbor a ton of anger at him, and society seems I always fall into a relationship with deluded men who think porn is REAL. And are horridly violent. I only stayed for the sake of our child and I was honestly trying- but he just made me into a yo-yo.. tossing me in and out of the house, growing less caring through his multiple relapses. Always have a hard time, the physical aspect is too important- some paranoia has set in, and now depression.

Very lonely. My female friends are really to busy- and I think the only reason the guys make time is because of ulterior motivation. It sickens me they like drool. I am currently enrolled in a course on investigations, and I decided its unsafe to continue the weed probably why I am feeling some of this depression.

I am mourning the loss of my example of love, my grandparents who passed and if I could have chose parents they were those people to me, but that was 12 years ago. I just don't see it anymore in this generation, and thus a loss of hope as well. Not to mention the physical and mental sickness I get from the lack of release. But the paranoia serves to protect- lest I behave like a sex addict. Maybe I am, but I have morals.

Been visiting the cemetery a lot lately. I thought I was pulling out of it. But my counselor seems to suggest I am getting worse. I thought I was getting better and now I have far less hope and am very depressed. Going to go to try to get the job thing back under my belt- financial burden like I have not yet faced, but a friend talked to two former places of employment and both were hopeful they could get me in again. But till I have it and the income the pressure is huge.

She seems different than when I first met her. I am even considering some therapy via a Priest instead, but in fairness will give her more time.

They have me on the highest dose of medication I have been on yet now. I have really struggled since the relationship ended with the acknowledgement - it can't work. I am attempting to bridge the past through the potential investigations. I just feel like its kind of hellish. I am not a danger to self or others, but if I went I would be ok with it. Maybe finally I will have a permanent home. Its a lot of pressure to try to live on 1 income as a waitress.

My kids need me, so thus they are a saving grace. Other than them there is my grandparents (maternal) I suppose. But that's about all. The rest I question motivation. I mean my mom decked me not long ago, and my dad simply doesn't care. Just asking for some prayers. But you know I grabbed my Bible and the first thing that jumped out at me was my failure. That I am an adulteress now - which feeds the feeling that I am an adulteress due to my divorce. I feel like a slut from my past (again exploited/trafficked as a child -so it makes sense I feel like a whore after multiple rapes, and guys who think its ok, if someone else did it, they can to.

The anger has oozed out in my communications, not at specific people but online. Thankfully I have a few supportive friends but I can't keep going back with it. Anger and depression, some anxiety about the future. And doubts about humanity. The old timers made it work and stayed in love but our generation, I just don't feel I belong here.

Anyhow if anyone takes the time to read this, thank you.

 

[tired of the fight]

@Solara,

Thank you for such good insight. I'm thinking this may be helpful :)