Where To Start? Type Of Therapy?

[brandonsmom777]

Good morning everyone. So I'm feeling very determined to begin my recovery of having a dissociative disorder since childhood. I'm tired of living my life in this purgatory.

The way I experience my symptoms are that I constantly feel out of my body (depersonalized) the frontal part of my brain feels empty and void of thought while I feel/sense a lot of noise going on back there. I always have this intense pressure like my brain is trying to push something into my awareness but I very automatically block it out.

I've done this since childhood. I have visual memories of sexual abuse by my dad but there are no feelings, I see it from a third person perceptive and it doesn't feel like me even though intellectually I know it's me. I have a an extreme fear of people, I can be talking to someone and all of a sudden think they're going to turn into a monster and hurt me which makes me want to go hide. This gives me social anxiety and makes me want to isolate which sucks because I love people and feel very alone, even when I'm surrounded by others. When I feel or become aware of my thoughts or get images in my mind my stomach turns with anxiety immediately so I block out my own thoughts too. I'm basically terrified of myself.

My life feels like hell right now. I'm unable to work, have no one to turn to for help financially so I've been prostituting on occasion just to make ends meet which makes me think God is angry with me. I've always thought He was angry with me.

I am seeing a trauma therapist who.does emdr and I see her twice a week and am getting treatment for subtance abuse.

I also have been having flashbacks of abuse by my mom as well. Physical abuse by her when I was really little, she was very overwhelmed all the time. She doesn't believe me about my dad of course and lives in a world of denial even about her own abuse.

Anyways, how to I begin to work on this? I don't think I he full DID nor does my T but I definitely have parts that are dissociated from me but I can barely hear them. They're very far in my mind. Can anyone relate? I need help and direction!!!

 

[EveHarrington]

Has your therapist given you any indication on how to proceed? Are you going to be looking for a new therapist or is she able to help you?

 

[Rumors]

First, I want to say how brave you are for confronting these thoughts and coming on here and writing them. Next, I want to tell you that I share and can commiserate in parts of your story. I, too, have no feelings/emotions when I replay certain movies about my abuse. As well, my movies are 3rd person and it's like I know that it is me, however I detach and feel more like I am watching Star Wars or something.

Nothing you have described is wrong, weird, or abnormal. Your memory and body are in the process of sharing your story with you. It comes in due time and can be overwhelming so don't force anything. The one thing that worries me as you begin this journey is how stable your immediate life is. There is no judgment on knowing that you have had to prostitute yourself for income. I am actually very sad that you have to do that, but as well it is worrisome. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have to do that in order to survive. It must feel very scary and unsettling. It is also pretty dangerous. Is there anyway you could find some financial assistance through a program or church? As much stability as you can grab hold of during this process is imperative.
I like to keep a routine by getting up and going to bed around the same time daily. I exercise and eat regularly. Those are things I can control and they make me "feel" like I am not spiraling into the abyss. For people like us, control seems like it trumps other essentials so giving yourself the power to be in control of small things, like eating and bedtime, lends itself to a greater mental need.

One day at a time. Sometimes it is moment to moment. Be kind to yourself. Post here often for support. Seek healthy avenues to release your emotions. Find a way, if you can, to make ends meet without prostitution. Take better care of yourself physically, and mentally, than ever. Be kind to yourself. You deserve that.

Sending you lots of strength. Hang in there!

 

[Crow]

Look up Somatic Experiencing therapy. I think it would be a huge benefit to you. It can be difficult to find a trauma specialist trained in se but we'll worth it.

Well done btw

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Different people tout different therapies as being "the one". You'll hear a lot about CBT/DBT on these boards ,,, these sorts of cognitive therapies are considered manualized and thus easy to study, so they have gotten the most attention.

Long-term individual, relational psychotherapy is what the ISST-D recommends for dissociative disorders - Link Removed

I, personally, am a CBT/DBT/CPT failure. I also have a dissociative disorder and am the survivor of CSA. I've made more progress in the last few months in relational talk therapy than I did in a year of the cognitive stuff (that actually made me worse). Just my experience. Its good to do your own research. Do what seems to fit.

 

[brandonsmom777]

Thank you SO much to everyone here for your support. I have 5 days sober now and even though I HATE what I'm doing I have really exhausted a lot if not all of my resources. I just tell myself it's only for now. I keep it safe as I can and I know God will show me the right way.

I'm kind of coming undone. After confronting my dad about the abuse of course he denied it and tries to turn my mom against me so there's definitely no parental support. I have a roomate who is so critical of everything I do and she is in fact the one who mentioned the prostitution. She acts like my husband and I blew up at her this morning and told her to get the F out which I'm praying she does because in my recovery I don't need that negativity. I feel like I'm living with my abusive ex husband all over again.

I had a falling out with my absolute best friend in the world over Friday nights events and she's just sick of me.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water. I have all this inner noise and thoughts that don't feel like mine and perceptions but I can't understand what they're saying. They just affect my mood and right now it's very dark and it feels like nothing matters.

How do you communicate with these parts of you that don't feel like you? They give me anxiety so I push it away but not on purpose it's automatic. There's not much communication at all. I'm not sure what to do. I just want to feel better and have peace once in my life.