Where Would I Be If....

[Sideways]

Love it! I don't reckon you're done, but I love it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Love it! I don't reckon you're done, but I love it.

How the f*ck am i gonna read that to my therapist? It has to be done but OMG! I have a feeling that its gonna be the first time i shed tears in therapy.

Its about time i said it, its about f*cking time$

 

[joeylittle]

Usually, we have a feeling, and then a feeling about our first feeling. It's called primary and secondary emotion.

Just a question, about the anger - do you think it's the first feeling you are having (now, post-blame-shift), or is there something before the anger?

Marsha Linnehan, who codified DBT, said something once about anger and borderline specifically - that most of the time, the anger is a response to something else. It's a coping feeling - even though it's a very ineffective coping tool, because it's big and wordless and doesn't diffuse well.

But, that for a person with BPD to work on the anger, they needed to hone in on what the primary thought or feeling is before the anger - and working on that cuts the anger down enough for it to then become something easier to regulate.

 

[Meblu3u]

I read your story and I never really thought about about things in that perspective since my whole life I have dealt with the abuse until recently. Now I am trying to find out the person I am. I am learning to be a MOM again Sometimes I think if I would've died my children wouldn't have any parents I have been dealt a pretty shitty hand. I just hope it turns around for the better .

Does anyone ever wonder where they would be today if their trauma didnt happen? My therapist...

Thanks!!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just a question, about the anger - do you think it's the first feeling you are having (now, post-blame-shift), or is there something before the anger?

Def post blame shift, its raw, its strong, massive and aimed directly at me and i noticed that getting super pissed at the 'programming' (not able to control my own brain) wasnt changing it, it was just making the rage (feel a lot more than anger) worse & since it is aimed at me (hopefully moving now) i was taking it out on myself more...and everyone around me.

So I posted this; this is what I meant & had that rage at the pit of my stomach and was ready to explode (should of posted the link here anyway as its what i meant):

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dear-mom.60381/

My therapist has forever been trying to get me to write a 'letter' to her (mailed or not) and had never been able to show that anger towards her til now and I know im gonna have to read that to him and not a clue how Im going to but its first keeping blame there and second, im letting that rage out "towards her" instead of towards me. Its just a tiny fraction of it so i have a feeling theres gonna be a lot of 'letters' to fully let that rage out and towards them but thats what i meant "this is what you did to me". Its sorta turned into "this is how i feel about you" but i didnt think, i just wrote/typed.

I had a VERY strong urge to cut after (that I didnt act on) but i know i tapped into those strong emotions that ive been avoiding cuz they felt like 'too much'. Now to see if i can read it outloud to my therapist and do what i need to do to let those emotions out; bawl my eyes out. Not sure 'bawling' is in my near future but even just some tears in his office i'll take. Which has never happened.

I do think one thing is happening, that seperation from my past is closing or going together. That wall that has completely numbed me to it is coming down...i think anyway.

Sorry, didnt mean to ramble, did that answer it?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think this "is it ok to say where would i be if, or what they took from me", i think that this thread was sorta like asking for "permission" to type out that "letter" if that makes sense. I was so terrified to write it so i wanted to see if other people ever thought of what they lost and where they are now cuz of their trauma...or was i the only one.

I think i was scared to express anger towards my mom like that, like im a "bad" person for saying "this is what you did to me" so this was like "is it ok to feel like that".

I dunno why im even trying to explain this. Just felt the need to. It was boiling hot rage that i was about to take out on myself and was gonna be worse for even daring to think those things of my mom...dare i even say it?

Well i dared...