Who Am I?

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve
Thank you. You don't know, well maybe you do, how much it means to me that there are people that finally understand me.
The book I mentioned earlier,"Unspoken" by Dee Henderson. As I was reading the book I realized "wow here is somebody (the female lead) who really undersands me. It was then I realized that others were suffering from the same things I was, and that is how I learned I had PTSD, confirmed by my doctor, and that is how I found MY PTSD. I will forever be in Dee Henderson's debt for writing that book.

I do not know if I would have survived the last several months without learning what I have learned about myself and if I had not found this forum.

 

[littlelostchild]

Hey Russ - that sounds like an interesting book and I totally get how you say that just because you do good things, doesn't mean you are a good person. That is an ugly perception that our abusers have left us with. I have had many discussions about this with my husband and therapist.

It is a lie, Russ, I have read many of your supportive posts on the forum and you have empathy, compassion and caring. We all have attributes we would like to improve, but you have good qualities that you share with us here.

 

[Mystery]

Hi RussH, I obviously haven't been with you as long as many of your online friends here, so I can't offer you much, however I felt that I really related to your question as I have been asking myself the same thing lately.

Well....to cut a long story short, I woke up this morning hoping to bravely face my first day at an 18 month long course, I was sure of who I was. Someone reaching for the stars, trembling all the same. I took those steps today with courage. Then I discovered that I need a medical clearance within the next six weeks or I am ineligible to continue the study. It's now the end of the day and I face letting others define who I am again. I know nothing, that's what I discovered today. I can assume nothing.

So I have no fancy words about anything except to say that I think that everyone who faces ptsd will ask themselves that question for the rest of their lives. Maybe we truly can't know the answer until the story is finished. We are just a person who is just becoming the best we can be...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Maybe we truly can't know the answer until the story is finished. We are just a person who is just becoming the best we can be...

I love the way you phrased that. I think that about sums it all up!

 

[scout86]

My son accuses me of treating life like one big field trip

That's not what it is???????????

 

[xena21]

What is there about me that they like? and how did I screw up so somebody would actually like me?

I often wonder that too, about myself. I try to think about what face or act I must have put on for them to like me. I hate myself so much that I can't fathom people liking me for who I am...only what things I portray to them at different times.

 

[RussH]

@xena21 Dear xena21 It breaks my heart to hear you say you hate yourself. You and I look at ourselves with a broken mirror. It gives us distorted images of ourselves. We see ourselves with shame, disgust and any number of negative emotions rolled up into this whole phschological injury business.

May I tell you this? When I read your post I see a sweet natured, caring individual that deserves much better than this world has given you. Do you want to know why people meet and like you? Because you have qualities that are very likable.

People like us, people who the world has treated shamefully, understand how hurtful that treatment is, so we go out of our way to treat others with kindness and respect, and those are qualities others see and admire in us. We may not see it, but it is there, and that is why you are liked, because, you choose to like others first. Right?

You are like because you are worth being liked.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am finally coming into my own at long last. I started therapy in 1985 and I am fifty nine years old. I love myself now and am getting free of the many bondages of false beliefs about myself. I can say that I am a good person now.

Keep on going on the path of recovery and healing and you will begin to learn so many things about yourself that is good.

It takes as long as it takes. Just keep on fighting all of the many false lies you believe about yourself.

I still do not know who I am. But I am at the point that I am a brand new person so far away from what I used to think about myself. For so many years I carried the lies about myself and all of the bad feelings that go with that.

You are a very compassionate person who is really caring and kind and that makes you a good person, in my eyes and others eyes as well.

I understand the anguish you are currently experiencing and as you keep on your path of healing and recovery you will slowly begin to form a better image of yourself. You will learn what you need and want and that these are so important you will give them to yourself and you will surely grow and mature.

I think good things are waiting for you in your future. Great thread by the way. It made me think. Hugs.