Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying?

[Ronin]

Woman who is a bit anxious, with some PTSD symptoms, but who is not too bad.

And she is somehow a different woman from Living In The 70s that just posted? <soft>

Because that sounds to me you just described yourself.
(Also sounds to me you are honest about your perceived failings. That you are darned harsh on yourself for them. And publicly, even. I am not all that sure that is a trait of a pathological liar. To plaster everything somewhere they cannot easily delete, run from things, twist them, blame others for them, and to keep doing that error, once done.)

 

[ms spock]

I guess that I am terrified of ending up like my parents @Ronin. And sometimes when the shame kicks in I do lie a lot, and it is embarrassing for me that I do that. I do do it a lot less, but I do need to work on honesty. I do want to contribute in a positive manner to where I am.

 

[ms spock]

So this has come back in the last 3-4 weeks in a big way - I am lying to myself about certain things or making up stories so I am not having had as bad a childhood and life that I have had.

When I snap back out of dissociation, comfort eating and maladaptive daydreaming, and it is like I am having lots of little electric shocks. I can't work out where or what I am doing. Where I have been? And things from the past really hit me - I guess I am out of denial or blocking. I block a lot. Part of the blocking is telling lies. I don't want anyone to know how ashamed I am.

 

[ms spock]

Radical Self Acceptance all the way. I don't need to lie to myself about what is going on. I can be honest. I am safe enough to be honest. I will not be attacked if I am honest. I am safe.

 

[ms spock]

I don't know who I will be when I give up lying but I am getting closer to being that person. I will be so much kinder to myself. To give up lying I need to drop the corrosive self doubt. To give up lying I need to drop the constant picking at myself and attacking myself. To give up lying I will give up picking on myself so much of the time. I am always second guessing myself. I am so hard and harsh on myself. I am slightly shifting and I am being much more honest with myself.

 

[ms spock]

I would be smaller and I would be more present. I would be quieter. I would also not pretend as much anymore.

 

[ms spock]

I am really getting much more in to my body. So I am more present and I am getting more honest. It's hard.