Why Are Some Sayings Hurtful?

[Beachlife09]

So, my family says "There are worse things." Or "There are many people who have been through worse." ALL the time and I can't quite find how to put it into words, but.... it hurts me terribly when they say those things.

Does anybody else feel this way about those sayings? Why do you think that is?

 

[J_trustno1]

Hi @Beachlife09,

Yes, I have been told this not only by family members but also a very unprofessional Doctor. Yes, these statements are damaging and hurtful. The only cure to survive is to take yourself away from people who fail to understand you and surround yourself with people who are willing to understand your emotions and know what it is like to suffer from mental illness. The longer you stay with people who belittle you, the more damaging effects it'll have not only on your mental health but physical health as well.

I hope you get some therapy and meet new people who are more positive and empathetic than the ones you are currently with.

My best wishes are with you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can remember when I first started therapy I had a very difficult time when People would ask how are you and I hated that saying because I realized that it is just a saying and that they really did not want to know so I can relate. It was a real stumbling block for me for years Now I can do it and mean it.

It took many, many years of healing and I know the truth in my heart now and I do it and mean it. I really listen to people now and hear and see them/

But I so understand how much this is hurting you and you do not have to reply. Sometimes the best answer or reply is plain silence and they will change the subject to something else because it will be awkward for the. No worries. It does get better in time.

 

[AuraBunny]

Some sayings seem hurtful because they are coming from people whom we care deeply about. If they hadn't meant that much to us its easy to brush off, but because people fear what they don't understand, they may compare experiences to other experiences they heard about because it is not familiar to them first-hand.

Comparing experiences and belittling someone for not making the same outcomes as another person is not the right way to support and treat a person who is suffering from trauma as an individual with unique experiences and life path.

Trust me, I have been through that and people need to be more compassionate and understanding that one person's life path is not the same as another, so saying there are worse things in life is subjective and only a perspective.

 

[Joan]

They are invalidating.

 

[J.L. Pitts]

Yes I have scars from those words. But I learned to speak up and told them that a small scratch can get infected and kill a person. So the damage that you bear from the abuse is real and it is there.

 

[Beachlife09]

@J_trustno1 I agree, but I don't think leaving my family would be best for my emotional state right now. And thank You, You too :hug:

@gizmo I actually thought that a few days ago, why do people ask that when they really don't care? :confused:

Sometimes the best answer or reply is plain silence and they will change the subject to something else because it will be awkward

Thank you for your advise! That's a really good idea.

belittling someone

That's exactly what it feels like they're doing. And I don't want them looking at me like a hero or something for what I survived, but... I wish one of them would tell me that they're proud of me for surviving or something.

a small scratch can get infected and kill a person

Very well said. The few times that they've goaded me so much by minimizing what I went through and I've spoken up and asked them what's worse than being tortured, they've said, "Well, losing a body part for example." Maybe it's just me, but losing your virginity unwillingly seems an awful lot like losing a part of your body.

 

[Nam]

It's a terrible thing to say. It really is.

Of course there is. There is always someone worse off. Does that negate the issue or problem? Nope. Struggles are struggles.

Empathy is in short supply there. It'll be like squeezing milk out of stone.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Beachlife: you're welcome and :hug:s to you. I was trying to say that you limit the amount of information you share with your family because the more you share tge more harsh comments you'll hear. I used to share things with my brother and he always belittled me and blamed me for everything that went wrong in my life. He always told me that I am the one provoking my abusive relatives and I was the one to blame (ie being a scapegoat entire life).

However, tables have turned and the good news is that my brother is also getting first hand experience from them hahaha. I know I sound evil lol. But what I am getting at is that only be formal with your family, pretend to be what they call "normal" in front of them and ONLY share your deep secrets or your emotions with those who understand you and the ones you can trust with your emotions. I hope this made more sense. :hug:s :)

 

[Beachlife09]

@J_trustno1 Yes, that did make more sense, thank you :hug:

pretend to be what they call "normal" in front of them and ONLY share your deep secrets or your emotions with those who understand you and the ones you can trust with your emotions

I've started to do this more now that I've seen their reactions.

 

[J.L. Pitts]

Yeah I felt so bad my wedding night I loved my husband so much and that gift I could have gave him was ripped from me. They think well it could of been worse they are trying to rationalize it. They need to see the actual damage and scars it has left. but because you kept all your body parts your fine

 

[Neverthesame]

I am pretty sure that specific turn of phrase is pretty high up the list of "Things never to say to a ptsd sufferer".

When I hear things like that, I try my best to put on the most obvious glazed over look I can muster. Followed by "Oh, sorry. What was that? I was miles away"