Nikkihollis
New Here
I don't really know where to start. I guess I just need to put it in writing. In September of 2006 my mom was on vacation and out of know where she turned jaundice. She felt fine no signs or symptoms. My step father took her to the dr and after running some tests he said you need to get back home and go see an oncologist.
When they got home they went to a dr and after numerous tests they said it was cancer. After hearing this my mom told me and my brother. It was the hardest thing to hear but my mommy was tough she could get through anything. At that point the Drs needed to do more tests to figure out what kind of cancer and how far along it was. I tried to hold it together especially in front of her but it was so hard I cried when I got home. Within a few days we learned that yes she had cancer and the type was bile duct cancer. It was very advanced. It's a cancer that doesn't show signs till its advanced and the chance of beating it is very low.
I felt like my world was ending. I never could handle bad situations but this was unbearable. I was 23 years old my mom was 49 and I have a brother who was 20.
It went from her feeling fine to feeling horrible in a matter of days. I quit my job and spent everyday with my mom. She kept saying " Nik I'm ok, relax its gunna be ok" but then I would hear her crying in the bathroom. I took her to every dr apt. I sat with her during chemo, I did anything in my power to make things easier on her. She was getting sicker before my eyes. I would go home at night when my step dad was home from work and I'd worry all night I'd call all night.
Over the course of the next 8 months I watched my mom suffer. She wouldn't eat, she went from 130lbs to 100 lbs. I would make her chocolate milkshakes and she would have a few sips. During these 8 months 10 times my mom was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. The Drs kept telling us she only had days but they had been saying that since the first day she was diagnosed. She kept fighting for my brother and I. We would rush to the hospital and they would say to say goodbye. She just kept fighting.
She was in every local hospital. The best of the best cancer facilities. She traveled to Florida for the mayo clinic and was always in Sloan Kettering.
When my mom stayed in the hospital over night I stayed right there in the chair next to her. I couldn't handle not being there even though it was killing me to see. She was worried about losing her hair so I promised if she did I would shave my head too. When she would take a nap I would stand over her because I was terrified she would stop breathing. I'd watch to make sure.
After months of all this my mom couldn't do it anymore she gave up. She heard so many times it was hopeless the cancer spread so fast. Her liver everything inside her was now touched with cancer. A few times she would sit with me and beg me to help her die. She cried that she couldn't take it and she didn't want to be the burden on everyone else. I never looked at it as a burden she was my mom I'd do anything to change places and her not to be in pain. She still continued to ask me to assist her. I couldnt bare the thought.
Every time a holiday came we would celebrate even stupid pointless ones that no one else acknowledges. It was a way to smile that she made it this far she beat the odds. She had already lived 7 months past what the Drs said.
In April 2006 my mom had been sick for 8 months. There was nothing left to do. The chemo was long done as was the radiation. This dr who had been seeing my mom for about a month said that he could try with the help of another 2 Drs to perform a new surgery. He said she would get at least one good year minimum and he believed that it was a 90% chance of success. He told us worst case they would go in and the cancer would be too much more then they thought and they would close her back up and we could have our mom back anywhere from a few days to 2 weeks.
My mom made the decision to not do the surgery. She was tired and she gave up long ago. She wanted to go home and die there in her comfortable home not surrounded by hospital machines. My brother and I begged and begged for her to not quit this could be great we could have our mom back she could beat this. After a few days of begging she gave in. The surgery would be the next morning. I met her at the hospital and she was already almost being taken in. I hugged her in the bed I kissed her and told her how much I loved her and this would be worth it. To be strong and we will be there when she woke up after surgery. As they wheeled her away she was crying and looking at us. I still can't get that image out of my head I see it like it was yesterday.
The surgery took longer then expected. A total of 15 hours. We sat waiting for answers. Pacing and crying and praying for her to be ok. Finally the dr came out he was happy he said he believed he was was able to remove almost all the cancer and that he feels this was a very successful surgery. This took place at the end of April.
My mom was placed in the ICU. They said they wanted to keep her in a medically induced coma for a few days. I sat there at her bed holding her hand everyday. So hard to see her hooked up to machines and she didn't even look like my mommy anymore. The fluids had plumped her up and she just didn't look well.
4 weeks went by and the never took my mom out of the coma. One time they tried for a few hours and the put her back. I never got my mom back. I never got to speak to her again hear her voice laugh with her. They told us that there was no hope and she won't fully wake up again and if she did she would have a horrible few days before she passed if that long. A day before Mother's Day they told us we needed to take her off the machines. I lost it. I was inconsolable I refused to allow it. The next day on Mother's Day I brought my mom flowers and a card which I read to her.
2 days later they took her off the machines. They said it would be painless and fast and she would not be hurting at all anymore. Before they did this they took her out of the coma. She woke up and just stared at us she cried they wouldn't take the tubes out of her mouth. I just held her. When they pulled that plug my world ended. It wasn't fast like they said. It took 12 hours. For 12 hours I had to sit there and watch my mom gasping for air. She knew what was going on. She was looking at us and just crying. It was the most horrible thing I could have ever imagined.
I collapsed after it all ended and couldn't breath. I couldn't handle it. I was screaming and crying. I took it the hardest out of everyone. I was my moms caregiver during this time I felt with all my heart that I could help her and she would get better. I felt like I failed. I feel like I killed my mom.
Planning her funeral all the arrangements. I don't remember that. My world was over. At the wake I asked the funeral home if I could see her one last time. Since it was a closed casket wake. He didn't think I should, but I insisted. He walked ahead of us. Then my brother and I followed. The image of my mom in that casket hasn't left my head since then. I drank myself to where I passed out at her wake I couldn't take it. There were hundreds of people there. My mom touched so many lives. She was so strong so tough but so sweet and caring and always there no matter what. I never knew how many people really loved my mom until the wake.
The funeral was horrible it was only close family. I couldn't leave and watched as they lowered my mom into the ground. From that day forward no one on her side of the family ever spoke to my brother and I again.
It's been 8 years now since she's gone. It's gotten worse as time has gone on. My brother was able to get back to his life easily. He never showed emotion after the funeral. I on the other hand spent everyday at her grave. I drank a bottle of vodka a day. I kept one in my car and drank while laying at her grave crying. I kept one under my pillow to put me to sleep. I took every pill my mom had without knowing what they were or what they would do. I swallowed them everyday. I just wanted to be with my mommy. This went on for a few years I couldn't live my life. I stopped talking to friends I couldn't work I distanced myself from everyone.
My mom will never get to see me get married and help me get ready. She will never meet her grandchildren. She won't be there for birthdays and holidays and that still hard. Every time I close my eyes I see her. I don't see the happy side I see her dying. I see her in the casket. I see her crying as they wheeled her away. It constantly replays in my head.
One night about a week or two after she passed I had a dream. It felt so real she was there. I could see her I could smell her everything. Everyone says that her telling me it's ok don't be sad move on. I'd do anything to have that dream again. I want her to come back. I now suffer and have been diagnosed for the past 8 years with depression and anxiety. It has gotten worse over the time and now I have been diagnosed with PTSD.
I am terrified to lose people now who I love. It is ruining my life because I constantly worry. I ruin my relationships because I get clingy because I don't want to lose them. I still only have a few friends who I speak to. I have developed such bad anxiety and depression that sometimes I can't leave my house.
Thanks for listening I needed to put it out there get it off my chest. I just feel so guilty I feel like I killed my mom. I should have just not pushed her to have that surgery. I want my mommy back.
When they got home they went to a dr and after numerous tests they said it was cancer. After hearing this my mom told me and my brother. It was the hardest thing to hear but my mommy was tough she could get through anything. At that point the Drs needed to do more tests to figure out what kind of cancer and how far along it was. I tried to hold it together especially in front of her but it was so hard I cried when I got home. Within a few days we learned that yes she had cancer and the type was bile duct cancer. It was very advanced. It's a cancer that doesn't show signs till its advanced and the chance of beating it is very low.
I felt like my world was ending. I never could handle bad situations but this was unbearable. I was 23 years old my mom was 49 and I have a brother who was 20.
It went from her feeling fine to feeling horrible in a matter of days. I quit my job and spent everyday with my mom. She kept saying " Nik I'm ok, relax its gunna be ok" but then I would hear her crying in the bathroom. I took her to every dr apt. I sat with her during chemo, I did anything in my power to make things easier on her. She was getting sicker before my eyes. I would go home at night when my step dad was home from work and I'd worry all night I'd call all night.
Over the course of the next 8 months I watched my mom suffer. She wouldn't eat, she went from 130lbs to 100 lbs. I would make her chocolate milkshakes and she would have a few sips. During these 8 months 10 times my mom was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. The Drs kept telling us she only had days but they had been saying that since the first day she was diagnosed. She kept fighting for my brother and I. We would rush to the hospital and they would say to say goodbye. She just kept fighting.
She was in every local hospital. The best of the best cancer facilities. She traveled to Florida for the mayo clinic and was always in Sloan Kettering.
When my mom stayed in the hospital over night I stayed right there in the chair next to her. I couldn't handle not being there even though it was killing me to see. She was worried about losing her hair so I promised if she did I would shave my head too. When she would take a nap I would stand over her because I was terrified she would stop breathing. I'd watch to make sure.
After months of all this my mom couldn't do it anymore she gave up. She heard so many times it was hopeless the cancer spread so fast. Her liver everything inside her was now touched with cancer. A few times she would sit with me and beg me to help her die. She cried that she couldn't take it and she didn't want to be the burden on everyone else. I never looked at it as a burden she was my mom I'd do anything to change places and her not to be in pain. She still continued to ask me to assist her. I couldnt bare the thought.
Every time a holiday came we would celebrate even stupid pointless ones that no one else acknowledges. It was a way to smile that she made it this far she beat the odds. She had already lived 7 months past what the Drs said.
In April 2006 my mom had been sick for 8 months. There was nothing left to do. The chemo was long done as was the radiation. This dr who had been seeing my mom for about a month said that he could try with the help of another 2 Drs to perform a new surgery. He said she would get at least one good year minimum and he believed that it was a 90% chance of success. He told us worst case they would go in and the cancer would be too much more then they thought and they would close her back up and we could have our mom back anywhere from a few days to 2 weeks.
My mom made the decision to not do the surgery. She was tired and she gave up long ago. She wanted to go home and die there in her comfortable home not surrounded by hospital machines. My brother and I begged and begged for her to not quit this could be great we could have our mom back she could beat this. After a few days of begging she gave in. The surgery would be the next morning. I met her at the hospital and she was already almost being taken in. I hugged her in the bed I kissed her and told her how much I loved her and this would be worth it. To be strong and we will be there when she woke up after surgery. As they wheeled her away she was crying and looking at us. I still can't get that image out of my head I see it like it was yesterday.
The surgery took longer then expected. A total of 15 hours. We sat waiting for answers. Pacing and crying and praying for her to be ok. Finally the dr came out he was happy he said he believed he was was able to remove almost all the cancer and that he feels this was a very successful surgery. This took place at the end of April.
My mom was placed in the ICU. They said they wanted to keep her in a medically induced coma for a few days. I sat there at her bed holding her hand everyday. So hard to see her hooked up to machines and she didn't even look like my mommy anymore. The fluids had plumped her up and she just didn't look well.
4 weeks went by and the never took my mom out of the coma. One time they tried for a few hours and the put her back. I never got my mom back. I never got to speak to her again hear her voice laugh with her. They told us that there was no hope and she won't fully wake up again and if she did she would have a horrible few days before she passed if that long. A day before Mother's Day they told us we needed to take her off the machines. I lost it. I was inconsolable I refused to allow it. The next day on Mother's Day I brought my mom flowers and a card which I read to her.
2 days later they took her off the machines. They said it would be painless and fast and she would not be hurting at all anymore. Before they did this they took her out of the coma. She woke up and just stared at us she cried they wouldn't take the tubes out of her mouth. I just held her. When they pulled that plug my world ended. It wasn't fast like they said. It took 12 hours. For 12 hours I had to sit there and watch my mom gasping for air. She knew what was going on. She was looking at us and just crying. It was the most horrible thing I could have ever imagined.
I collapsed after it all ended and couldn't breath. I couldn't handle it. I was screaming and crying. I took it the hardest out of everyone. I was my moms caregiver during this time I felt with all my heart that I could help her and she would get better. I felt like I failed. I feel like I killed my mom.
Planning her funeral all the arrangements. I don't remember that. My world was over. At the wake I asked the funeral home if I could see her one last time. Since it was a closed casket wake. He didn't think I should, but I insisted. He walked ahead of us. Then my brother and I followed. The image of my mom in that casket hasn't left my head since then. I drank myself to where I passed out at her wake I couldn't take it. There were hundreds of people there. My mom touched so many lives. She was so strong so tough but so sweet and caring and always there no matter what. I never knew how many people really loved my mom until the wake.
The funeral was horrible it was only close family. I couldn't leave and watched as they lowered my mom into the ground. From that day forward no one on her side of the family ever spoke to my brother and I again.
It's been 8 years now since she's gone. It's gotten worse as time has gone on. My brother was able to get back to his life easily. He never showed emotion after the funeral. I on the other hand spent everyday at her grave. I drank a bottle of vodka a day. I kept one in my car and drank while laying at her grave crying. I kept one under my pillow to put me to sleep. I took every pill my mom had without knowing what they were or what they would do. I swallowed them everyday. I just wanted to be with my mommy. This went on for a few years I couldn't live my life. I stopped talking to friends I couldn't work I distanced myself from everyone.
My mom will never get to see me get married and help me get ready. She will never meet her grandchildren. She won't be there for birthdays and holidays and that still hard. Every time I close my eyes I see her. I don't see the happy side I see her dying. I see her in the casket. I see her crying as they wheeled her away. It constantly replays in my head.
One night about a week or two after she passed I had a dream. It felt so real she was there. I could see her I could smell her everything. Everyone says that her telling me it's ok don't be sad move on. I'd do anything to have that dream again. I want her to come back. I now suffer and have been diagnosed for the past 8 years with depression and anxiety. It has gotten worse over the time and now I have been diagnosed with PTSD.
I am terrified to lose people now who I love. It is ruining my life because I constantly worry. I ruin my relationships because I get clingy because I don't want to lose them. I still only have a few friends who I speak to. I have developed such bad anxiety and depression that sometimes I can't leave my house.
Thanks for listening I needed to put it out there get it off my chest. I just feel so guilty I feel like I killed my mom. I should have just not pushed her to have that surgery. I want my mommy back.
