Why Can't I Tell My Therapist?

[Robbed]

I am still quite new to this site and I have asked for advice on various things and have received some great help.

In summary I have a long history of childhood abuse and rape and torture as an adult. My question today is I have something that I cannot tell my therapist. This does not have anything to do with the abuse , but it is a big lifes event which may have an impact on me. I can't even write what it is. I feel so sick must go will try again later I need help

 

[Robbed]

I am back, bad dissociation which is unusual because its not from my abuse past.
Here goes I will try again to type this. I am finding it very difficult to expereince any feeling at the moment., I feel like I am in remote control.

I have not been able to tell my therapist that ( this is so hard) my first baby died inside me and it was my fault. I had an asthma attack and my baby who I carried for 38 weeks died because I didn't have enough oxygen in my body to keep him alive. I had a respiratory arrest and spent 2 weeks on a ventilor. When i woke up my baby had been born and buried. No photos, no grave, nothing. I think that in a bizare way I feel that I did not have any keepsacks because it was my fault my baby died.

My husband (at the time) has never spoken to me about this. There always seemed to be an unspoken barrier between us. The only time he spoke about it was to tell me I killed his child when he was angry at me. He since has left me.

I feel like I could curl up in a ball and never face the world again. I can't understand why I cannot tell my therapist. He has heard so many horrible things about my life but I cannot speak to him about this.

What are I going to do. I think underneath I will need to talk to him about it but I am frightened that it will all come out and I will never function again.

Any suggestions !

 

[piri]

To me this sounds like a trauma! Forgive me if I've misunderstood your story. What does "respiratory arrest" mean? is it like coma? To wake up from coma and find that your baby is dead must be horrible! And then the father accusing you of killing it...:mad:

i just can't figure out why you (or your ex) think this is your fault. You had an asthma attack that caused this. Was it something you did that caused that attack? Was it something you could have done to prevent it that you (deliberately) did'nt do?

Anyway, I think it's very important to tell your T about this. Feelings of guilt and self blame are maybe the most important issues to work on i therapy!

 

[rallynut78]

this is not YOUR fault. it's not anybodys fault. It is just something really really sad that happened. If you don't find a way to talk it out you are going to keep carrying this guilt around. typing it out is a good start, I hope you can find the strength to tell your therapist.

 

[ga yankee]

Robbed-- none of that is your fault!!! Your baby dying is not your fault. Try saying it to yourself over and over. I've been in therapy 2 yrs now and there are still things I can't tell my therapist not because I'm afraid of any reaction but because I'm afraid of myself. I guess I'm afraid that saying it will make it more real. But with all the other trauma I've talked about, it makes it less painful because it's out there. I've said it and I'm not keeping it inside and the world doesn't stop. Everything keeps going. I've learned to see the events through someone else's eyes. Reverse the roles is what she tells me. So Robbed let me ask you this: if I posted on here I lost a baby because I had an asthma attack what would you say to me?

 

[Robbed]

This has been the first time I had ever been able to write or tell anyone about this. I know that I would not judge anyone else who's baby died because of an illness (asthma) but I have so many reasons to need to punish myself over the death of my baby.
First:
I ate food that my mother in law prepared. She had added lots of MSG for flavour. I thought it was very tasty and didn't think to ask if she used MSG - I should have known better.

Then I tried to ignore my asthma and not make a fuss during their meal time - did I leave it too long? would my baby still be alive if I had gone to a hospital earlier.? maybe waiting 15 mintues was too long.

Was I being punished again for my past?

Did my husband leave me because he could not live with someone who killed his child?

I have had 2 healthy children since then but why to I ache for the child I don't have?

Why did nobody take a photo of my baby for me before they buried him?
Why will nobody tell me about him? The nursing staff told me he was perfect that he had just died.

So you can see by letting myself write about this it has opened up a whole of of questions that have been laying dormant.

II cannot cry, I feel dead inside.

I feel like I have never been whole since that time. Maybe you are write that this is a different type of traum. I only think of my PTSD as orginating from childhood abuse.
Will this ever end.

 

[rallynut78]

that's a lot of what-ifs. your still not at fault. sounds like you didn't have a chance to grieve. you really need to talk this out.

 

[Robbed]

Piri, a respirtory arrest and being on a ventilator means that I stopped breathing and had to be put on artifical life support and be placed in a coma until my lungs were better.
When I was in the ambulance I was consciouss and they heard a heart beat they called into the nearest hospital brcause my waters had broken and I had gone into labour but on the journey I stopped breathing and by the time i had arrived my baby had died.

I still feel guilty over what I had put the paramedics through, I understand one of them developed PTSD since this trauma. I wrote to the ambuance officers to thank them for their care and had been told that one of them had been off on stress leave since ( 4 months after that night). I know that this was part of their job but I hate to think that I have caused someone to live in the PTSD nightmare. I often wonder if he has recovered.

Thanks for your advice. I know that I am rambling and will stop now. It seem that now I have actually typed that sentence my baby died I can't seem to stop I have so many things locked inside.
Thanks again :Hug_emoticon:

 

[void]

Robbed, :smile:

A suggestion:Print this thread off on paper and hand it to your therapist.

You are very brave for writing about your loss and I commend you for that.:clap:

We have not judged you and if your therapist is normal she/he won't either.:smile:

May peace replace your pain.:Hug_emoticon:

Void

 

[GR-ass]

It wasn't your fault honey...

Losing a child is traumatic- which means that yes, it could be contributing to your PTSD.

Perhaps a part of yo doesn't want to admit to yourself your (percieved) failure. Many women, after a stillbirth blame themselves, they carry guilt for the life that was lost. From the sounds of it you have been unable to ever mourn your baby.

I agree, if you don't think you can speak about this, print the thread out. Sometimes writing things to people help just as much to break into a topic as speaking (some times it is easier because it is not a direct means- sort of like dissassociating from the event itself (yeah, not healthy, but neither is keeping it all internal.)
This is one step at being able to actually speak of your baby.

 

[ga yankee]

It's not your fault...all the things you've explained...it's not your fault. Things happen we can't control. What you can do now is finally take time to grieve and heal. I totally agree that you should print this all off and take it to your therapist. Sometimes, when I first started therapy, I would email things to my dr that I just could not say in person. We also did a period where I would journal, email it to her and then she would bring up the stuff I couldn't--- when she thought I was ready! You said it, we support you, your therapist will also.

 

[nonabug5]

Robbed,
I am a paramedic of over 24 years. First of all, you cannot predict an allergic reaction to anything. It just happens. To doubt that you were in need of medical care is definitely what 95% of most people do. We are afraid of making something out of nothing, so we second guess ourselves. I am trained and even I have done it. It is not reality to expect you to question every move you make or everything you eat. Lighten up on yourself. You did not kill the baby.
Your body knew it had to save you first or all would be lost. You had no say in that. You did not make the decision, your body went into a survival mode. You could not turn that on or off at will. If the baby was hypoxic (short of adequate oxygen supply), it was because you were in the same shape. You did not kill anyone.

To kill is to intentionally or negligently take a life. You did neither.
The baby's death was handled very badly. You should have had a chance to see a photo of the child at the very least. It is hard to mourn a child you did not get to meet in the first place, but more so a baby that you carried in your womb and felt and knew it to be there and to be real.

This is a very real trauma in every sense of the word. If you cannot speak the words, print what you have written here and present it to your therapist.
It was a life changing event and carries great weight in your heart and mind. It sounds like you have been unfairly holding yourself accountable for something you had absolutely no control over at all. Definitely share your pain with your therapist, - because the fact that you have assumed total guilt for something that happened when you were unconscious needs to be discussed. I do not see you as someone who killed a baby, I see you as a mother who did not get to cradle and cuddle the child she carried for so long, a baby that was a part of your body, heart, & soul. That is a huge & tragic loss for you. Share it with your therapist, that is alot to carry around by yourself and it will weigh you down in the end. God Bless. Tracie