We all come across less than desirable people, but everyone does not chose them for their lover, their friend, their babysitter, etc. and become involved, connected, and have trouble getting out at the first warning signs. Abandonment issues is not a big issue for me. However, I missed nurturing as a child and seek that as an adult-not in a dependency kind of way. I am very independent, but appreciate nurturing qualities. This has gotten me in trouble with men. Even after being out of a relationship for over 2 years, I still miss the loving and nurturing qualities. When I say nurturing, I do not want someone up my rear. I mean the person who knows your favorite ice cream and brings it home unexpected. The person makes you chicken soup when your recovering from the flu. They can grocery shop and get your wants too, without you giving them a list. They call to see how you are doing when you are feeling blue. They wrap their arms around you when you are crying about an arguement with your adult child. I am very caring, nurturing, and affectionate-so I offer the same qualities.
I am also a "truth-seeker" which I believe comes from the extremely alcoholic dysfunctional family. I tend to second guess myself, minimize others behavior at a cost to myself, and at times, guess what normal is-giving others the benefit of the doubt particularly during certain situations or circumstances. I dont let a lot of people into my life but when I do, I am very loyal, hanging in there much too long at times, and at a cost to my own health/mental health.
I have no fairy tale fantasies, but have had a desire for an honest, legitimate, meaningful, connected intimate relationship with someone with similiar qualities as myself.
I attract "good people" but maybe they seem boring and it is the ones that are more complex that is the challenge for me (as a truth-seeker). I know it sounds nuts. They often provide a bit more nurturing, excitement, complexity, etc and conversations have(in my experience) been more interesting and deep. The worst have often been very pursuing of me, admittedly flattering, when I have been busy of fulfilled by life. Usually I have seen them as being more fun than I am. I am not criticizing myself-I can be fun, they are just more personable and have good ideas about how to spend the week end or vacation etc. Later I discover that their spontonaity is really impulsiveness, their charm is superficial, their depth is a lie, they are not who I wanted them to be, and the attachment is hard to break initially. I have become almost obsessed in discovering who they really are. Instead of getting out when I should, I hang in a bit longer like a detective, paying attention in a different kind of way to their every behavior. At this point, when they are telling me they love me or doing something great, I am analyzing their intent. This is an enemy to myself. When it gets to this point, I need to remind myself, it doesnt matter why. Let it go, heal, and move on. Staying has proven to be dangerous, as some of these people read others well, and know I am on the way out and analyzing and seeking truths. This can be dangerous. This applies to men I have chosen.
Female friends who have been not such good people are often high energy and fun. They seem to be carefree. I have had a couple of these, in the end, they have proven to be irresponsible and have urn over me get what they want. They lack boundaries and dismiss my thoughts and feelings if it involves them, getting what they want, and will eventually blame and take no responsibility. For whatever reason, these have been much easier to reduce contact with and eliminate from my life.
Dont know if this applies to anyone else, but whatever the reason, I know there are many of us for several different reasons, and when it happens, after awhile, I have come to wonder what is wrong with me, and border on taking the victim role. For myself, I need to just chalk it up and use my insight and trust my intuition and act on it sooner than later.
