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Why do I want it to feel worse?


New Here
Thanks everyone for your responses.

First of all, pardon me for my possibly poor English (I’m from Sweden).

I think a broader introduction of my self would be necessary, whilst answering some of your responses.
This is my first time writing about this, and I’m actually not quite sure what sort of outcome I’m expecting from this.
I feel like a just need an outlet for my thoughts and my feelings, since I never talk about them.

On paper I live a good life.
I have a good job, self employed and making good money.
Owning a nice, new apartment, nice car.
I work out 5 times a week, cardio every day.
Been eating a strictly diet my whole adult life.
I haven’t drank alcohol since I was 20, never done drugs or tobacco.
I have ambitions, I always strive to succeed higher and higher.
As Friday asked, if I’m wanting things?
Yes, I want a lot of things, things that makes me a better person on paper.
But when it comes to how I feel about my self, none of that matters.
Even if I have what I have, I still consider myself a total failure.
I look at myself with utter disgust and contempt.
I’m very structural, driven and in need to be constantly occupied with something; which is a double edged sword.
On one hand I feel useless and like I’m wasting time if I’m not doing something productive.
On the other hand I burned my self out at an early age because I can’t handle not being productive.
And mostly, being busy is a way to not have time feeling how I feel.

I live with a partner that knows about my background, my depression, anxiety, ptsd.
We don’t talk about it much, mainly because I don’t want to.
A lot is to dark to share, some I think is best if she doesn’t know.
She knows that I’m unable to emotionally connect with other people, but I’m guessing she thinks I have deeper feelings for her than I have.
Not that she doesn’t deserve those feelings, but I simply can’t relate to “love” and deeper feelings for another human being.
This have always made me feel very lonely, also since I don’t have any other family.

I’m very good at enduring pain.
During my physically rehabilitation from my suicide, witch actually worked ( I died two times and spent a week in a coma) I was put in a locked psychiatric wing, and later on released and referred to the open psychiatric care.
I was denied help since I was considered not in need for any help (read ;not enough resources).
So I had to start over with the primary care, get them to referral me to another open psych clinic.
During the handling process I got to meet a psychologist from the primary care, who diagnosed me with ptsd from the suicide.
After a long time I was admitted to the psychiatric clinic, and I had a first meeting with my doctor, was supposed to be contacted after a month on my new medication.
Didn’t hear from him and when I called the clinic, my doctor had resigned, and there wasn’t any other doctors that could take over my case.
So after a total of 4 years of constant battle with the hospitals I gave up on the thought of getting any help.
Since then I formed a sort of external emotional baseline.
I don’t get upset about anything, and I don’t get happy about anything.
I always tried very hard to push my feeling aside and not feel them, or simple just endure them, like something burning on your skin, and you know you can’t get it off so you just suck it up because you know it will be burning forever.

Last year I don’t want to fight it anymore.
I want to feel it burn, I want to feel every horrible feeling inside me.
And god do I have some horrible thoughts inside me.
I feel like I deserve being punished and suffer.
I tend to seek out what triggers me and makes me dizzy of anxiety.
And I don’t want it to stop.
I want it to be worse and worse.
But being extremely pragmatic I know that this probably is some sort of ramp up to what only can end in another suicide.
But I absolutely can’t put my partner through that, but I also can’t keep living just for hers sake.

Like I said earlier, I don’t know what I’m expecting from this, just to share my story, and perhaps someone will recognize them self in me?

Thank you all.

It doesn't need to be this hard. It can get better.

Do you have a therapist?

There is a lot going on for you from the sounds of it. This punishing regime. What you say you are doing now (punishing yourself with these feelings and thoughts) to me sounds like an extension of the punishing feelings and thoughts you already had (the perfectionist attitude, the needing to keep busy, the sense of failure etc).
why is it so common to want to feel worse during recovery?

a popular theory on my own therapy network is that we don't crave what is "good for us." we crave what feels like home.

just one theory of many.
Do you have a therapist?
No, I’ve been very reluctant to get a therapist ever since all my struggles with the psychiatric care.
Also, I’m afraid that talking to a therapist will open up some things I’m not sure I would be able to handle.
I suppress a lot of my childhood traumas.
I realize that I’m sooner or later are gonna have to talk to a therapist, but it seems impossible to me at the moment.
we crave what feels like home.
Exactly. I feel like I would loose my identity if I got too well.
My illness is comfortable in some way.
The thought of being happy is repulsive to me.
I’m afraid that talking to a therapist will open up some things I’m not sure I would be able to handle.

So many threads here with the same theme - trauma therapy runs a predictable course where it gets worse before it gets better. And there’s a lot to be said for hanging on to stability and function as long as you can.

Keep in mind, though, that you can work with a T on “Not trauma” stuff. Some of the most helpful Ts I’ve had are the ones who have just taught me coping skills - learning what to do with the massive emotional load that comes with ptsd and a history of trauma.

CBT, DBT and ACT are often all available without touching your actual trauma history. Chatting to the T beforehand about your therapy goals and what you aren’t ready to talk about is a good way to go.