Relationship Why Doesn't It Get Easier?

[Trembling]

Actually I was of the opinion - if it happened again, I would know how to deal with it.

He ran out today, once again, and I cannot just sit around and feel good for my "off" time from him.

He had a binge again, threw some nice things into my face, then calmed down, almost messed up his first job interview, something he was waiting for so badly, and this all because he just had a few beers.

When the situation was more or less calm, I went for a walk with out dog. Of course I had asked him to walk with me, just to enjoy, but he refused. Then I receive a message "I am sorry" - and another one, "I will not be home when you come". Great, one more evening home, knowing that my job will be a messed up day tomorrow, and actually we are going on vacation the day after.

My mood is totally not where it is supposed to be.

He was actually the one to drive to his doc tomorrow, and to board our dog - now I definitely will not let him drive the car, and I have to find another excuse why I have to take the day off, though I had promised to be at work.

Why do we still feel so bad, with them. I guess I know, I am co-dependent, but is there any medication on the market to help overcome this feeling?????

 

[Sunshine71]

Just wanted to wish you all the best Trembling..... I too feel that next time I know how to handle it better - and I try my best but its never how I think I am going to deal with it. Feeling scared and such an overwhelm feeling of sad and anger too.

I dont know about medication - for you perhaps? I feel that natural things are best...

Just sending you love.....

Sunshine x

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, if you went to a qualified therapist and psychiatrist I believe you would begin to feel better. i think you probably need an anti depressant. But I am not a doctor so I am just guessing. It would help you out alot. Food for thought. Wishing you the best. Good luck.

 

[anthony]

Simple, don't take the day off, don't fall into any expectations that he may believe will happen due to his attitude.

Don't give him what he wants... basically.

 

[Nicolette]

I think Anthony is saying don't enable bad behaviour and, the opposite applies, reward good behaviour as trust me - it does get better as I'm living it.

 

[Trembling]

Thank you all for your comments.

Anthony, I am trying to, but certain things just have to be done and cannot be postponed. It is the place where we live which causes most of my problems, and to "make" me give more support than doing good. Fully agree with you.

We just had a nice, calm vacation, but the first day back and all is also back to the old situation.

Some days I feel like it is not my life I am living.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey Trembling...

I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time. Take Anthony and Nicolette's advice, they have been there and back, they designed the t-shirts. Enabling is very counter-productive.

When I was in the depths of my depression I was advised to take St Johns Wort, a natural remedy that has very few to no side effects, and it worked wonders for me. Just see a doc first to make sure its ok for you.

I speak from experience when I say that I know how hard it is to enforce the boundaries that you set, and not to enable the sufferer. But you have to stick to it. As hard as it might seem. And its bloody hard sometimes, not all plain sailing by a long stretch, but its rewards are worth the effort.

My marriage to my sufferer is now 6 weeks on, and we have already had our moments... but I love her absolutely, and vowed to stick with her, so I'll not give up. PM me if you need to chat about specifics... I may not have the answers, but I have a friendly ear and a large shoulder.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Trembling]

Hi Seeking Serenity!

It is really good to read from you! I am taking the advice from both, and I can say it made me feel better. Our life changed completely now, my hubby is away and found a job! Yippieh! Though we are living in different countries now, I am sure it is good for both of us.

We will not stay like this for a long time, I will go and visit him in about 5 weeks, but he has to learn to stand on his own two feet again. I had told him before he left, I will be there for him as usual, but I will not accept him to fall and run back to me. It might sound harsh to many of you, but his behavior especially the drinking, did influence my job extremely and I cannot let this happen again.

I love him deeply, he knows that. But, as you said, I did support him too much at certain stages, and was there when he was supposed to get himself out of the mess.

I miss him, but I really hope that things will get better. With a new job his self esteem might get better, and he will not feel so bad and "not being a man" anymore.

He also agreed on going to a doc there and has an appointment next week. He wants to get help, he wants to talk, and this is my hope for him to be on the right track.

I am getting better, slowly, but still have this huge stone on my chest whenever I cannot reach him, or when he is feeling bad. I guess it also will take some time for me.

Thanks guys, and I will keep you up to date. I know I will have to come back, as it never will be completely over, it just might not be as often - I hope.

Nice day!

 

[Trembling]

Oh my god, sometimes I just wonder how I can even write anything positive in here, especially when I come back, read the good stuff, while writing how crappy I actually feel at the moment.

He is killing me, with him destroying himself, though I do try so much to get on distance, emotionally.

Every time I think I can enjoy my weekend, now that he is not with me, he is feeling bad and f*** up, but today I really got mad.

I do not know if I made it worse, but I just had to get it off my chest. I told him he was selfish, stubborn, childish and a couple of other things, but these were the most important ones.
In addition I made it very clear that he is not only destroying himself, but every single person around him too. I asked him even if he realizes that he will loose all he worked on, and that even I cannot stand his abusing my trust in him forever.

Honestly, as bad as it sounds, it felt good. I was crying a bit before, as I did not want to imagine him doing irrational things, bad things, but then I just swapped - I told him, it is still his decision if he is making mistakes, and only he himself can help himself out of the sh..!

I will calm down now.....thanks guys!

 

[Nicolette]

Sometimes we all reach our limits Trembling... don't be too hard on yourself :hug:

Sometimes it may even serve as a wake up call - let's hope so.

 

[Trembling]

Thanks Nicolette, especially for your hug.....feels good.

I still have hope, though I do not know where it is coming from, it is there.

 

[amethist]

Sometimes letting the volcano erupt Trembling, helps us to keep going. I know this may sound daft, but I have done it on many occasions in the past and it made a difference. Hubby took notice and took in what I chucked at him making changes to his actions of what I said.

We as supporters know they cannot always take on board what we try and explain to them calmly, and that we should not yell at them either, but sometimes it makes that difference for both sides, in a good way.