Why I Run Away

[Sandstone]

I've been doing a lot of actual running away from situations lately.

I think there are two sorts of reasons

First is when I'm not heard when I try to express myself in a difficult situation
Examples would be

1) Going to the opticians, having said when I made the appointment that I needed to see a woman.
I got a woman for the actual exam, but a man for the booking in and follow-on fitting. By then I was nearing my limit, but managed to say I just wanted my existing glasses reglazed.
He said " I'll just check the fit". I said "You won't be able to do that", but he didn't respond and went on filling in a form. I panicked and ran out in tears, leaving my glasses behind

2) Going to the doctors, after having cystitis for thee weeks. I'd asked if I could just drop a sample in, but was told I had to see the on-call team. When I arrived I asked if I'd see a woman, but the receptionist said "If a man calls you in just explain." I couldn't imagine how I could do that in a full waiting room, and said she'd have to do that.
She reiterated " Just explain you don't want to see a male doctor", and I ran out and went home.

The second is when the pressure of being in a situation gets too much - as when the young grandchildren come over and the relentless noise and need for attention is too much, so I go upstairs for a break, or when I can't handle sitting next to someone on a train and go and stand by the door instead.

Now I've realised that there are two sorts of running, which do I tackle first? And how?

Both feel profoundly humiliating and inadequate. My therapist told me off for running away from the grandchildren, so I don't want to discuss either with her now.

The not being heard one should be solved by being assertive. But if I knew how to do that, I wouldn't have been assaulted, I'd have said no.

The overwhelming one, apparently, is tackled by just staying in the situation, and then everything will get better. But what if I shout at a two year old just for being happy?

 

[safenow]

My therapist told me off for running away from the grandchildren,

In my head, I'd tell the therapist off. There are times you need to get away so you don't do something you don't' want to do. I'm proud of your for knowing when you need to take a break.

Your stress level is at an all time high, which explains why you are running. Bless your heart. That receptionist was an idiot. I'm sorry, but some people just have no clue how hard it is for some of us.

My home health care agency is interesting. I had to get in their face to get them to understand. I'd rather not have an aid than have a male. When the little within comes out, and a man is in the house, she panics. WE had so many years of abuse by men and women that having anyone is hard, but because of so much sexual trauma in our youth and growing up years and adult life, no way can a man help us to shower or do anything else.

Sounds to me like you need a different therapist. I hope you can switch. And just so you know, just staying in the situation is not the right thing to do. Every thing might not get better. It might get thousands of time worse.

 

[MagiLisu]

I agree with safenow, your therapist should be helping you tackle the issue of running away and supporting you.

Running away is a natural reaction when we are faced with a situation that we are finding too stressful. When faced with these situations people general fight, flight, or freeze.

I hope you can works things out with your current therapist, if not I would consider finding another one. You need to feel comfortable and supported.

 

[maddog]

I relate to the urge to run away in both types of situations, and also to how humiliating and uncomfortable it is when you do, or even when you feel you need to.

In particular, I understand the need to get away from the close proximity of others or to remove yourself from confined or noisy spaces such as trains. In truth, while it's ideal to work on management and relaxation strategies to help you to endure such situations, it's also totally ok to sometimes recognize that your stress levels are getting unhelpfully high, and to know when and how to ease those by removing yourself for a while. Identifying and keeping in mind an escape route, such as on the train, is something that helps me to stay calm. It's true of all safety net concepts - if you know you have one, you're less likely to actually need it, but knowing you don't have one makes you more likely to fall.

It sounds as though your therapist has been less than helpful. It's true that sometimes we need to be challenged to confront and learn to tolerate pressure, but offering constructive feedback and not just telling you off is definitely the way to go about this.

My empathy to you, from one runner to another.

Maddog

 

[Sandstone]

I think the reference to the therapist is a red herring that I shouldn't have included. As she's on the NHS, I have to see her to keep everything else going ' but I'm doing more work with the Community Psych. Nurse I also see. Sorry to distract you with her.

Running away is a natural reaction when we are faced with a situation that we are finding too stressful.

Yes, running feels like the natural response but leaves me feeling like a failure afterwards. Does anyone have any experience of ways to stop running?

Now I've realised that some of my running links to not being heard, I think there should be a way forward. This is a constant theme in my life, and has repeatedly left me feeling unsupported. My immediate reaction is to loathe myself for not being able to ask properly. But what can I do to improve things?