Relationship Wife Of Combat Medic With Ptsd

[longlostlove]

Hello everyone! I am new to the group and have been searching the site. I decided to post because I need some help. I have been married to my husband for over 13 years. We have 3 children together, and one from my previous marriage. So he is the father to all 4. He has been deployed 4 times, 3 with the Navy and 1 with National Guard. The last tour he came home different than he had before. He has seen many many things that I can't even understand. He even has pictures that I have seen from his deployments. I however, am getting on my last string. He had became violent with my oldest and I made him leave the house for a month and told him that he had to get help before he came home. He went to the VA and they had put him back on his medications that he had been off for 6 months or so. I didn't stay strong and let him back home, as long as he was not with the children alone. And that the way it was for awhile. And then he stopped taking the medication again. Well after awhile he became withdrawn, he was no longer angry but depressed. He can't hold a job and hates the work that he is doing now. The only reason why he is there is because he knows we need the money. So he does work permanently now but hates it.

The problem I am having is that is all he does. He goes to work, comes home, takes a nap (most of the time), watches TV and goes to bed. He rarely engages in anything at the house. All kids are into sports and activities and he wants nothing to do with them. He doesn't try to do anything to help around the house. It is like he is completely disconnected and I talked to him about it and he just says well that is the way I have always been. And that is not true. He has no ambition or desires. He has told me he won't get back on his medication because it makes him feel like a zombie and he feels he sleeps more on the medication. He won't go see a doctor anymore and he is just a sad sad person. I try to encourage him to talk to someone and he won't.

Now he is about to let go of his 16 years of military service because he can't find the motivation to get up and work out and pass his PFT. He said he would rather get a dishonorably discharge than take a cut in rank. The problem is that he LOVES being apart of his unit. He feels most complete there. I feel like I am obligated to stay. It is not that I don't love him but his depression is bringing me down with him and I don't have time for that. I am always on the go and feel like I can't even breath. He doesn't even try to help. It all falls on me and I just want my husband and the father of my children back and I know he is the only one that can make himself get help. I am about to give him an ultimatum and go from there but I feel like I am giving up on him. WE fight frequently and I think it is because I just want him to help out some and I hate doing it all myself.

I might as well be a single parent.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time in your marriage. I'm sure the kids notice a difference too. It's a sad situation. I think you're right when you say only he can make changes happen, but it's impossible to go it alone.
I hope for all of your sales that he reaches out for help in the long term.

You must've felt like a single parent when he was deployed also. It really is a sacrifice that a whole family makes to defend our country. I guess all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and tend to the children. Hopefully, something will inspire him to move through his depression. I wish you the best.

 

[longlostlove]

Thank you for commenting. I wish I can show him what it could be like if he did get the help but it seems a though he just doesn't care about anything.Yes I definitely felt like a single parent when he was deployed but now I feel like I have one more child to tend to and now I work full time too. Just venting and hoping others have been in similar situations because I don't know anyone who has been.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You aren't friends with any of his unit's friends wives?

 

[Friday]

@KwanYingirl... First rule of fight club, is don't talk about fight club. @longlostlove can't talk about the problems her husband is having with other wives/spouses (unless she has a best friend she trusts to tell no one!), because it could seriously damage his career, and his standing in the unit. It would also paint her as disloyal to her husband (for risking his career & unit cohesion), and untrustworthy / ice her out of all social standing. After even 5 years in there's a lot of politicking. At 10+ she has to be ice cold and not blink no matter the provocation per unwritten (but rigidly followed) rules. It's a hard position for military spouses to be in. There are some back door channels to go through (support groups that are supposed to remain anonymous 50/50), the chaplain (usually the best option, they're outside of normal rules), etc. but other than that? Military spouses are often more isolated in a sea of thousands, than I am back of beyond with no one for 300miles, no phone, no power.

It's a big part of why spouses often 'take a break' and go spend 3-6mo with parents, siblings, or other family. So they can stop being strong for everyone. Many do it every summer, spending the summers with the children's grandparents. Harder in the school year, but also no uncommon.

Which would be a suggestion, if you're past the chaplain-stage. Esp. as it's also one of the back door channels to let his people know he needs help, without damaging his credit by saying he needs help. When spouses take a break, people pay attention.

If you're worried about suicide, though... Screw his career. He can't work it dead.

Just my .02

 

[longlostlove]

No friends in the unit:( I get not telling the anyone military. When I made him leave when there was violence against my son, he was in a bad spot. He felt like he was loosing us. He would not talk to anyone, including me and his mom. I tried to get a close military buddy to give him a call to check on him because I thought for sure my husband would take his call and didn't think that friend would get others involved. But I guess what happened was when he got the message from me, he was at headquarters with the chain of command and from there it spiraled down. I was almost relieved because they were able to convince him to go to VA the next day that he had off and his buddy took him. I hadn't even got him to do that. But now they don't treat him like they used to. One of them has known my husband for years and said that he relates totally what he is going through but he can't be violent. It felt like I could talk to him but then I realized they were using it against him. I felt horrible and I could never do anything like that again. I really wanted to write a letter to them and make it anonymous but I know that they would know it was from me. I truly don't think that he is suicidal but he I am always concerned that he won't tell me if he was and then one day I may find that he has tried to kill himself or has completed it. It is so hard to figure out what to do, I love him and I want to be there for him but I don't want to be taken down in the process. I have 4 kids to take care of and they are my life. I wish I could just take a break. But with a full time job and no family except his sister (my best friend), there is really no where to go. I want to ask him to leave so we can have some space and maybe he would realize he needs help but I am afraid of making his depression worse if I do that. I think when he was gone for a month it wasn't long enough to show him that he needed the help. My heart is breaking and I think he knows that I am not happy and he wants me to be but I just can't in the current state of mind that he is in. He makes comments like "you don't love me anymore do you?" I tell him I will always love him but things need to change.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thanks for the explanation. Harsh life no support isolation paint on a pretty face. Well, she's welcome here!