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Will anyone stay, ever?

maybeiamabear

Confident
Notes from therapy:

By looking for a caretaker in a partner, you are trying to find ways to fix your past, your childhood.

You cannot fix your past, the key is to be in the present moment.

My fears are holding me back, they keep my needs to feel belonged and aspiration on hold.

My insights/learnings:

I am trying to be defensive with friends, well wishers because of my fears.

How do I move past my past trauma? How do I find consistent healthy friendships & love?

I recently stopped talking to someone I became very close too. I tried to gather feedback about why she felt I am not a good partner and she said:

I bring up my childhood trauma, a lot in our conversations. She felt pressured and guilty for not being able to offer the headspace and care.

How do I change my patterns? Two other women had shared the same feedback in past years.

Is it too much to ask for care when the uncertainty of our relationship triggers me into a state of panic, the Abandonment wound opens.

And that's when everyone leaves.

Will anyone stay, ever?
 
Is it too much to ask for care when the uncertainty of our relationship triggers me into a state of panic, the Abandonment wound opens.

And that's when everyone leaves.
Generally speaking… yes.

Because it’s being asked to treat an adult like a child. Which is either babysitting, or kinship care, or foster care, but with an adult; so think of taking on someone who is severely mentally handicapped / physically disabled. Not being able to TRUST them, to take care of themselves… but being responsible FOR them… no matter how normal/ intelligent/ exciting/ vibrant/ capable they appear on the surface… is NOT a peer based relationship amongst equals.

Are there people who absolutely dig having that much power/control/inequality in a relationship? Absof*ckinglutely. So it’s not a 100% thing. But the overwhelming majority of those who want to be in / exploit/revel in that type of relationship, are going to be abusive as f*ck. And a teeny tiny minority who have nothing but good intentions. So? Most people? Are going to back away. Because they’re neither abusive, nor in a teeny tiny minority. Of those who surge forward, most will be abusive, looking for a victim.

Will anyone stay, ever?
Do you want a peer based relationship? (Which changes, over time, depending on the lives of each, & the directions they take).

Or? Are you attempting to force people into roles of ghosts/the past/static & unchanging?

HEALTHY parent/child relationships? Are NOT static. Children become young adults and then peers. They grow into themselves, (the kids) whilst you become less & less relevant (unless they also like you, in addition to love you). Demanding stasis? Absolute? Unchanging? Staying forever. Is demanding abuse/neglect. Fixed roles. That never deviate.

HEALTHY Peer-Based-Relationships? Are VERY fluid. As people (as individuals AND as people living different lives)… change. Most? Will still end (not in death). Even though both parties exert extreme effort to stay a part of the other person’s life. Because each likes/loves/respects the other… relationships reduce to Christmas letters, or visits every few/several years. Because people? Change. Lives? Change. Stasis/Never changing? Is almost solely reserved for deep in damage/abuse/pain.
 
All relationships will end. By separation or death. Accepting that? Hard! But also grounding.
By "ever" I only meant if someone will be in a relationship with me - because it always end before that. I am only good enough as a best friend. Nothing more than that.

Generally speaking… yes.

Because it’s being asked to treat an adult like a child. Which is either babysitting, or kinship care, or foster care, but with an adult; so think of taking on someone who is severely mentally handicapped / physically disabled. Not being able to TRUST them, to take care of themselves… but being responsible FOR them… no matter how normal/ intelligent/ exciting/ vibrant/ capable they appear on the surface… is NOT a peer based relationship amongst equals.

Are there people who absolutely dig having that much power/control/inequality in a relationship? Absof*ckinglutely. So it’s not a 100% thing. But the overwhelming majority of those who want to be in / exploit/revel in that type of relationship, are going to be abusive as f*ck. And a teeny tiny minority who have nothing but good intentions. So? Most people? Are going to back away. Because they’re neither abusive, nor in a teeny tiny minority. Of those who surge forward, most will be abusive, looking for a victim.


Do you want a peer based relationship? (Which changes, over time, depending on the lives of each, & the directions they take).

Or? Are you attempting to force people into roles of ghosts/the past/static & unchanging?

HEALTHY parent/child relationships? Are NOT static. Children become young adults and then peers. They grow into themselves, (the kids) whilst you become less & less relevant (unless they also like you, in addition to love you). Demanding stasis? Absolute? Unchanging? Staying forever. Is demanding abuse/neglect. Fixed roles. That never deviate.

HEALTHY Peer-Based-Relationships? Are VERY fluid. As people (as individuals AND as people living different lives)… change. Most? Will still end (not in death). Even though both parties exert extreme effort to stay a part of the other person’s life. Because each likes/loves/respects the other… relationships reduce to Christmas letters, or visits every few/several years. Because people? Change. Lives? Change. Stasis/Never changing? Is almost solely reserved for deep in damage/abuse/pain.
Saving this. So I don't keep staying in my past.
 
Saving this. So I don't keep staying in my past.
Go easy on yourself.

Changing patterns? Learning something new? Or (yikes!) both? Are BIG undertakings. It would be great if we could just decide we want something… and SHAZAAM!… it happens.

I’m all about the carrot, rather than the stick, so I tend to celebrate each stage as I go through it. 🥳 🎉 For me? That process looks like this (below, under the Alice Spoiler)

***
- Awareness of the problem (where you’re at right here right now… listening to your friends saying the same thing,, looking at the problem from multiple angles, identifying the pieces in play, rubix’ing how/when/where/why those pieces create the pattern, etc.). 😵‍💫

- Recognizing the problem/pattern after it’s already happened. 🥸
(It was in disguise! A ninja! A ninja in disguise!)

- Recognizing the problem/pattern as it’s happening. 😱
(Aieeeeeeee! Not again! AND I prolly just f*cked up my response/reaction to it happening. Outstanding. Fawk. f*ckery f*ck f*ck. Okay! What are better ways to handle it next time?)

- Recognizing the problem/pattern as it’s happening AND react/respond in the way I want to be. 🤩

- Recognising the problem/pattern BEFORE it happens?!? OMFG! I’m doing it! I’m really doing it! 🥳😫
…And then, if you’re like me, you’ll prolly fall on your face right back into it
(What’s this 2 steps forward 1 back, thing?!? Arrrrrgh.)

- Recognising the problem/pattern BEFORE it happens?!? AND Sidestep it?!? Do exactly as I’ve been wanting since the very fawking beginning?!? Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbers, I have FOUGHT my way here… through the goblin city… to take back what you have stolen! Ha! I’ve GOT THIS.
🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳 🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳 🤩🥳🤩🥳

- Pfft. I’ve got so many mad skills & so much practice doing exactly what I want, how I want to, I don’t think I could go back to those old patterns if I TRIED. Seriously.
😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰

***
I’m dead serious about deliberately rewarding myself at EACH of those vexatious steps, not just the 2 shiny ones at the end. Before I had kids I just sort of kept a mental tally, but after? Between remembering all of THEIR goals/progress/learning/dragons they’re fighting… and my own? AND convincing myself to celebrate rather than beat myself up? I started filling up marble jars, and kept star stickers around, even wrote hash marks on my arm like Dr.Who & the Silence. Just to keep track of progress (adventures/prizes to be had, even between stages, just to celebrate the hard work!).
 
Notes from therapy:

By looking for a caretaker in a partner, you are trying to find ways to fix your past, your childhood.

You cannot fix your past, the key is to be in the present moment.

My fears are holding me back, they keep my needs to feel belonged and aspiration on hold.

My insights/learnings:

I am trying to be defensive with friends, well wishers because of my fears.

How do I move past my past trauma? How do I find consistent healthy friendships & love?

I recently stopped talking to someone I became very close too. I tried to gather feedback about why she felt I am not a good partner and she said:

I bring up my childhood trauma, a lot in our conversations. She felt pressured and guilty for not being able to offer the headspace and care.

How do I change my patterns? Two other women had shared the same feedback in past years.

Is it too much to ask for care when the uncertainty of our relationship triggers me into a state of panic, the Abandonment wound opens.

And that's when everyone leaves.

Will anyone stay, ever?
I'm so sorry that you have experienced so much loss when you reveal the most broken parts of yourself. It is not too much to ask people to care about you in the midst of emotional flashbacks. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't know what to do and can't do what you need. At best they can be a "good enough" person in your life who offers what they have, wants to learn more about what you're experiencing and can respect your boundaries and their own with grace and kindness. With those people you can only love them as they are and be okay with relationships that can't replace your childhood need for a parent figure. Its okay to want a partner to give back in a reciprocal way. You might also be attracting people who are emotionally unavailable and so of course they will leave you when you expose your trauma response to abandonment. They are triggered by you and they feel unsafe. They also typically can't acknowledge that. Therapists can be a really helpful because they understand, but its not their job and its unethical for them to be your best friend or partner in the world. You are not unlovable and you are deserving of being treated well. Its hard to have been abandoned as a child and to now be expected to be an adult when you missed out on so much. You need to grieve that and try and find safe people who aren't afraid of your pain. Its okay if they can't take it away. Those relationships can still be really healing. Its okay to be single. You are your biggest supporter and ally.
 
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