Relationship Wishing I Knew How To Make It Better!

[Kitkat2203]

He came back fine… so I thought. I lay next to him every night …every single night praying he’s still in there somewhere, that the man I fell in love with, the man that he use to be before war, is in there waiting to come home. I need him to come home! I was warned that he might be different when he got back, I just didn’t see it happening until August almost a year and a half later. He’s not violent by any means nor is he abusive or scary… he’s emotionally numb! He swears he loves me and would never leave me and I can’t imagine my life without my best friend by my side. But I still feel like the bottom is about ready to fall out.

We were always kissing and holding one another, being as intimate as possible without attempting to not go any further until our wedding night. We haven’t even been married 2 years yet… this started 8 months after we were married. Sex became less frequent but still intimate and has now decreased even further. How infrequent? Well I am 18 weeks pregnant and know the exact date of conception because that was the last time we had been together and only once since finding out. It is even rare now that I will get a real kiss from him. I get the pecks on the lips when we go to bed and off and on thought-out the day (initiated by me) … but not the passionate ones where he would pull me in close and not want to let me go.

Be very sure you want the answer when asking a question to someone who is emotionally numb with PTSD because you will get the honest truth. I still can’t get his response out of my head. I leaned in for a kiss and he pulled away (wow this is harder to write than I thought). He pulled away and I just stopped and looked at him for a minute and then asked… “Why don’t you like kissing me anymore?” “I don’t’ know” he says “ But I still love you”. He got up and went into his studio like the question was never asked. WOW…. I couldn’t believe it… he really is gone… and he thinks he is fine and/or getting better. I really try not to take it personally, but it is so hard to be rejected by your spouse for intimacy over and over again.

I am trying to be patient and supportive. I am constantly looking up information and sharing it with him. He admits he needs help but it all boils down to a pride issue with him. I showed him videos of doctors and fellow veterans speaking about the techniques and their progress to getting better. He has break downs that are becoming more and more frequent… he is having flashbacks every day and relives every moment, every explosion, every fellow airman’s casket he helped load onto a jet to bring them home, even the sounds of rockets being launched at him… but he always says, “I’ll go when I’m ready”. I have to respect that right? I can’t force him to go no matter how much I am being pushed away right? Since we found out we were expecting I have brought it up a few times with concerns of his short temper when he is tired or something doesn’t go the way he wants it to. I know he will be an amazing father because he is such an amazing man… I just don’t want him to be numb to the birth of our little girl, to miss out on the joys of holding her for the first time and all her milestones. I don’t think it’s fair for him to have to emotionally miss out on this because he served his country honorably.

I know some people have it so much worse and I am thankful everyday he came home and that he is a very good husband and amazing man, I really am thankful. I just miss the man I married, the man I fell in love with 6 years ago… I will never give up on him! I will continually fight to bring him home… I am just at a loss on how to get him to accept help without pushing him even further away.

Sorry this is so long... It's almost 1 am and I had to get these thoughts out of my head to be able to rest.

Thanks in advance and God Bless!

~Kate~

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum KitKat Kate. There are many members here who have spouses who are / were in the Army and who suffer PTSD. You will get a good support system here. You did right taking that time to write what you did, you need to get this out of your head, heart, body and soul as it can become very painful with time. On top of that you are expecting a baby, so you have to take all that much more care of yourself. Keep posting as this will help you. Sending you waves of healing peace.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time! Being pregnant is such a joy, I know that your baby will light up your lives! I am new to the board as well. Welcome, and I hope you will find help and comfort here.

It's so hard for men to admit, even to themselves, that they need help. It does sound like he thinks he will get better on his own. Is it possible for you to seek counseling yourself, to find out the best way to help him, you and the new baby?

Blessings to you, and prayers that he will see the need for help!

 

[Mandy Tjarks]

Hi there! I completely feel what you are going through. With my bf I can tell he still loves me through his actions even though he has withdrawn alot compared to the way things used to be. He just says he doesn't know why he can't feel the love for me. He wants us to be together but can't say he loves me. He used to tell me he loved me as often as he could and always doting over me. I would give anything for him to tell me he loves me again. This has all come about within the last couple months. He is dealing with a lot of stress with a divorce that is not going the way he wants and all he wants is to move on with his life. I think this stress has triggered his PTSD. We were together 24/7 whenever possible and now I am lucky to see him a couple times a week. He says he wants me to still be living with him but wants to protect me because of everything going on. He keeps himself so busy to keep his mind off things that we don't see each other much. Everything hit all at once and he couldn't deal with everything and completely be in our relationship right now.

I understand but I hate it. We were so completely happy. I hate hearing i don't know all the time. I know he can't help it but all I can do is keep reminding him to call the VA. He says he is going to but hasn't done it because he is busy at work lately. What else can I do but wait and try to support him? He says he thinks things are getting better for him since he started on new meds. I never knew it would be so hard to take a step back in our relationship. We have only been together for 8 months but since the moment we met we knew we were meant for eachother. I will be here for him and support him and do what ever he needs me to do. I just want him to get back on the right track.

Any advice or other experiences that might help me to help him?