Working With Body Memories

[Chava]

(my therapist also has to ask me to repeat myself when I'm telling some of this stuff because my voice is a little higher but definitely way too soft...she can't usually hear me the first time...I have to work hard to speak...it's the only way I can talk though, which is a step up from going mute)

 

[shimmerz]

I picked up on the 'Felt Sense' that she speaks about. I found these two articles. I hope they help

http://www.wikihow.com/Focus-and-Get-a-Felt-Sense
http://www.hakomiinstitute.com/Forum/Issue16-17/5_TouchPA.pdf

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks @shimmerz! I will definitely read those carefully as soon as I find a time when I am a bit more focused.

 

[sun seeker]

One of my recovered memories is exactly like this. The first parts of it came out of the blue when I took up a yoga position I had not done before. Stunningly outlandish and horrifying (what? me? this happened to me? no way!). No emotion. And over the next couple of weeks when I re-visited the memory, I was seeing and experiencing it from multiple perspectives, including that of the person harming me (that was rather hideous). In subsequent months, I've come to understand that it was likely at this particular moment that my personality completely fragmented, which may account for the multiple perspectives. Memories from before that time are different...I am more aware that I am a person and that there are other people there. If that makes sense. None of these memories seem like they are/were happening to me.

Perfect sense. (The similarities aren't doing much for my attempts to convince myself that I'm making it all up, though!)

 

[sun seeker]

One minor issue is my extremely strong gag reflex. No district memory of why, but it doesn't take a genius to guess. :cry:

Yes, as you say... :cry:

I've tried to explain this sensation away (a medical procedure with a tube down my throat maybe?) but know I have never had such a procedure. Still I think it's important to quiet the mind that wants an explanation and be open to new information as it comes to us. Easier said than done.

 

[shimmerz]

I think the 'making it up' thing is normal sun. I still to this day, even with documentation to prove that my memories were correct, shake my head at myself, thinking, woman, you are nuts for buying into this. That is the cognitive piece. We are not a sociopath, or a schizophrenic or narcissist, so of course this doesn't make sense to us. The gag reflex is strong in me too -- I have this inner feeling though that I just need to manage that day to day (dentist, eat things funny, etc) but I am not digging for the truth on this one. Perhaps once the reflex pushes me somatically to the edge I will, but it isn't right now, so I leave it alone. As things come up I deal with them, I don't push myself though. I think this somatic stuff is a way for our body to communicate to us that it is 'time to deal'.

 

[Chava]

@ghotiff and @sun seeker ...coughing helps me with this...just hacking it out....it felt very long, like a long snake to pull out of there (I did a little of this pulling it out too and could really feel it, though I was pulling on nothing really). I went through a period of doing this in therapy and it's been gone for probably over a year, so there is some truth in releasing some of that recurring stuff. Could be different things. I've been intubated, so that's pretty likely in my case. It was always life-saving, in childhood or adulthood (oxygen or stomach pumping...but it all gets mixed up for little kids because it's all confusing bodily threat). But I know of people having this reflex for what I'd feel like are more difficult reasons. :(

 

[sun seeker]

coughing helps me with this...just hacking it out.

Yes, I tried that last night, and it also helped to use my hands as if pulling a long rope out of my throat, only it kept going and going and going... and a frantic voice playing in my head, "get it out, get it out, get it out..."

I was intubated a few times, so that's pretty likely in my case (was always life-saving but it all gets mixed up for little kids because it's all bodily threat)

And medical procedures can be very traumatic for small children. Is it Peter Levine who worked as a doctor and writes extensively about the effects of medical trauma? Or Bessel Van Der Kolk? One of those.

We are not a sociopath, or a schizophrenic or narcissist, so of course this doesn't make sense to us.

A sociopath or a narcissist wouldn't worry so much about whether they were making things up. They wouldn't see why it was important to know. To them, making things up is how you get what you want, a means to an end and all in a day's work.

Perhaps once the reflex pushes me somatically to the edge I will, but it isn't right now, so I leave it alone.

Yes, there is only so much you can deal with at once. What's pushing me past endurance right now are the inability to catch my breath thing and the persistent desire to scream, it's so vivid I can almost hear it in my head, on and on and on. So I'm working on that.

 

[shimmerz]

A sociopath or a narcissist wouldn't worry so much about whether they were making things up.

I didn't actually put that across correctly. A sociopath or narcissist may well understand that things like this 'happen' to other people (because they may be perps). We, however, do not think that way, never would, so these body experiences and the thoughts of what might have happened that come along with them, seem inconceivable to us. Not sure if that makes any more sense, but that's my last kick at the proverbial can. :rolleyes:

 

[sun seeker]

Okay... I think I get it. They can believe it more readily because they can relate to doing things like this. I wonder if their ego makes it hard for them to believe anyone would do those things to them though? Just musing, I don't know.

Another part of this that confuses me relates to what @Hope4Now said:

And over the next couple of weeks when I re-visited the memory, I was seeing and experiencing it from multiple perspectives, including that of the person harming me (that was rather hideous).

I've done this too, and a friend has told me she did the same thing. That same ability to empathize, to put myself in another person's place, adds to the self doubt and confusion. I am also somewhat psychic. I know, for instance, the distinctive energetic signature of sexual abuse. It's dark, heavy, and very creepy. I know what the perpetrator is feeling. He's trying to get rid of that creepy feeling by passing it on to someone else. Just being able to connect briefly to that feeling is horribly confusing. Some people I'd rather not empathize with. :(

 

[shimmerz]

Just being able to connect briefly to that feeling is horribly confusing. Some people I'd rather not empathize with.

Just to be creepy here, and those that don't have the same belief systems, sorry for the interruption, but sun, energy is a whole different thing. I think perhaps you may be confusing the word empathising with tapping into energy. I have the psychic thing about me too and work with my minister to 'contain it', understand it, and work properly with it. Energy is a universal thing, just because we get a sense of it, does not mean we are capable of it. It is not empathic. It is tapping in.

Again, if this sounds crazy to people that is okay. Sun, as an infant, my birth mother attempted to smother me with a pillow. I was already WAY good at playing dead .... As this memory was coming to me (just as yours is to you), I found that I could literally see her walking out the door....looking back at me and being very satisfied. I could feel her energy. Not the same as being empathetic. Not the same one little bit.

 

[ghotiff]

Most of my visual memories of my abuse are from a 3rd person observer view.

I've tried to explain this sensation away....Still I think it's important to quiet the mind that wants an explanation and be open to new information as it comes to us. Easier said than done.

I agree but I just can't do this. I assume I'm not ready yet.

@Valentino i couldn't finish reading your post. I got to the line. "As you bring awareness to your body" And just couldn't continue.

I think I got through my abuse with the mantra "I am not my body" this way, what they were doing didn't matter. Trying to listen to my body now is really difficult and scary.