Writing Versus Speaking

[Queen Boudica]

It's very strange to me. I have all these thoughts in my head. When I am clear, I find it very easy to get those thoughts and write them. It's easy. The thoughts are in my head and they transfer to paper just as they are in my head, maybe with a little editing.

But when it comes to speaking those thoughts, well that is a completely different story. Most of the time, those thoughts in my head don't translate to spoken words. They just come out wrong when I try to communicate them. I find myself saying something different to what was in my head a lot of the time. Or it just comes out wrong, like it sounds really stupid, not what it sounded like in my head at all. And I just can't get out everything in my head, bits get missed out. And sometimes, when I am speaking to someone I am particularly uncomfortable with, well I can come out with the most ridiculous crap possible and I have no idea why I said it and I just feel completely stupid. Or I don't mean to say something and it just comes out anyway. Sometimes it is like the thought wasn't even in my head at all, like I just say something because I need to say something without even thinking it.

It's like when I am writing my brain is working differently to when I am speaking. And I so prefer writing. I will try and email over telephoning any time I can.

But, I also, have to say, that when I speak about the stuff that caused my trauma, well that is much more emotional and hits me much harder than when I just write it down.

Is that just normal for everyone or is it something to do with my traumatised brain?

 

[jeeps for now]

I can rarely speak well in public. When I was younger, my dad criticized most everything quite a bit of the time. This included the way I spoke, as well as whatever I spoke about. I learned it to be safer if I wrote.

 

[Queen Boudica]

This included the way I spoke, as well as whatever I spoke about.

Jeeps I'm so sorry your dad treated you that way. Every child should feel that they can speak without being put down all the time.

I know that feeling well with my mum. She was always right about everything, my opinion did not count. If I said something against what she believed, a barage of insults. It is so horrible to be treated that way

I think what you have written is brilliant it goes straight to the root of the problem. I never thought of it that way.

Yes, fear of being criticized and put down for saying something. That would make you panic and not be able to speak properly.

Yes I think I have been in situations where I have been thinking stuff and been to afraid to speak, even though I was pretty sure I was right, the fear that I am going to be put down about it, stops me from saying it. But writing is easier I am not in direct contact with the person so not so much at risk.

 

[sillybearmama]

I feel like you took the words right out of my brain! I have always been so much more comfortable writing my thoughts and feelings than trying to speak them. When I write things come out clearly and eloquently, but when I speak things don't come out nearly as clear. I can't quite get things out how I mean them, or I can't remember the words that I want to say. I also hate talking on the telephone, I will text or send an email any time I have the chance rather than have a conversation on the phone. Talking on the phone is so uncomfortable, there are always awkward pauses and I don't know what to say it's the strangest thing. I feel so socially inept sometimes!!

Also, when I'm in very emotional situations I've had a lot of issues simply trying to speak at all. It feels as though my voice is trapped in my throat. This has gotten better in the past few months in working with my therapist, she has helped me start expressing my emotions and I have been able to speak in more emotional moments without having my voice "stuck" in my throat.

When it comes to my trauma I can barely speak about it at all, I have only really talked about it to my Therapist in vague terms. I haven't been able to discuss the details of it, I feel like I will be at that point soon but it's still something that I know would get stuck and I would have difficulty verbalizing.

It's interesting sometimes I almost feel like a little girl again when I have trouble talking, it must have something to do with being shamed when I was younger for not speaking correctly or speaking when I wasn't supposed to as you both have mentioned.

 

[Queen Boudica]

It's interesting sometimes I almost feel like a little girl again when I have trouble talking.

Oh so true. I think my voice changes as well sometimes.

Actually when I was younger I was a lot worse. I would just lose words all the time, even with people I know well. That makes you feel even more of an idiot. Now I am better, in fact I am amazed at some of the vocabulary I can use now. It's just people I feel uncomfortable with or don't know. Just can't find anything to say at all or just ridiculous stuff. Thing is afterwards I can think of something, but it is too late.

I got sent on a public speaking course by my first employer. What a joke. Part of the course was videoing me doing the talk. Talk about adding humiliation to the whole thing. I had to do a final presentation, it was a complete mess. I just stood there talking gibberish, shaking voice and hands that just went everywhere.

And, as for telephoning. Well I have been putting off an important telephone call for the past 2 weeks. I know I have to do it, but I just keep not doing it and I can't email instead. I really have to get myself in the right frame of mind to make a telephone call. Practice what I am going to say beforehand. Or I have to be really desperate, I just don't have a choice, like when the kids are sick and I have to make an appointment with the GP.

Sounds like you are making great practice in your therapy. That's something to be proud of yourself. I know it's not easy (what am I saying, it's bloody terrifying!)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

My T has said that as a very young child, I learned to 'listen' to the silence, to know when it was okay to say something or not. He said that because no one engaged with me, it 'taught' me that I had nothing important to say. And that no one would care about my opinion. For years, in social situations, ppl would ask me if I could talk. You'd never guess that now!

I did see my T for about 4 years before I could say the words about my csa. Keep striving to let your voice out!

 

[sillybearmama]

My T has said that as a very young child, I learned to 'listen' to the silence, to know when it was okay to say something or not. He said that because no one engaged with me, it 'taught' me that I had nothing important to say. And that no one would care about my opinion. For years, in social situations, ppl would ask me if I could talk. You'd never guess that now!

I did see my T for about 4 years before I could say the words about my csa. Keep striving to let your voice out!

Angelkeeper

"Listening to the silence" I have never thought of it that way before, but now that I hear it worded that way it sounds so right. Trying to find that just right moment to speak what's on your mind, and if someone else starts to speak you shut down.

My husband gets frustrated because I have a hard time talking to him about my day and I tell him well when I was a child no one asked me how my day was, I don't have practice with people caring to hear what I have to say!

Oh so true. I think my voice changes as well sometimes.

Actually when I was younger I was a lot worse. I would just lose words all the time, even with people I know well. That makes you feel even more of an idiot. Now I am better, in fact I am amazed at some of the vocabulary I can use now. It's just people I feel uncomfortable with or don't know. Just can't find anything to say at all or just ridiculous stuff. Thing is afterwards I can think of something, but it is too late.

Oh my gosh I totally know what you mean Lizio!! Sometimes I feel so socially inept because I have no idea what to say. Or I say something and people will just look at me like I'm a crazy person. Then afterwards I'm like oh I should have said this, or asked this, or mentioned this! It's so frustrating because in other situations I'm totally comfortable and a social butterfly. :mad:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

"My husband gets frustrated because I have a hard time talking to him about my day and I tell him well when I was a child no one asked me how my day was, I don't have practice with people caring to hear what I have to say!"

I SO know exactly what you mean!! I realized in my last 'brain-spotting' session, that I learned at a young age that no one was waiting for me to come home....ask about my day...hence I shut down my creativity! I always felt that I couldn't do anything right...or well. I don't play games cuz I always lost. People said I was very "poised". HA! I was just too petrified I'd say or do the wrong thing. I thinks it why I have such a quiet voice.

It also took me YEARS to accept that I could have a disagreement with someone, and not feel that our friendship was over! I assumed ALL problems were caused by me.

Boy, I'm glad I've hung in with therapy all these years!! I had to learn how 'real' people interact!

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Wow! I am stunned at this thread and finding out that others have the same experiences I have.

I always thought my discomfort with speaking was because I am Deaf or because any language I use at any given time was a foreign language for me. Having grown up in countries all across Europe and attending local schools I was learning a new language every 1-2 years. My parents are native speakers of two languages that I did not learn until I was at the end of high school and in college. I now know 28 languages, but cannot really call a single one my language, let alone native language. In every language I end up stuttering and blanking on the most basic words. Only when I write without time pressure do words come to me to express my thoughts. The more anxious I become, the worse the situation gets and I usually just give up. If someone is always in a hurry or corrects every word that I don't pronounce clearly or replaces words that may sound better (like my mom) it becomes really problematic. I always feel more comfortable writing because I have time to search for the words I want.

Within the past month of therapy, my therapist shared something about the neuroscience of PTSD with me that gave me a completely different perspective on my difficulties talking. According to my therapist, these researchers discovered that the frontal lobe shuts down during high-stress and high-anxiety situations, situations all too common for people with PTSD. Despite believing her, having read the research, and feeling more relaxed just knowing that, I was still surprised to read all of your comments. Somehow I guess I was still blaming myself for the difficulties and feeling like a freak. So, thank you so very much for all of your comments on this thread. Maybe I can relax a little bit and give myself a break. Even if this only lasts for a short while and I may come up with other reasons why it is just really my weakness, I am nevertheless grateful right now.

Thank you very much!

 

[Queen Boudica]

Wow! I am stunned at this thread and finding out that others have the same experiences I have.

According to my therapist, these researchers discovered that the frontal lobe shuts down during high-stress and high-anxiety situations, situations all too common for people with PTSD.

Thanks Deaf Global Nomad. I'm glad I wrote this thread now. I was thinking maybe it is just me and that it had nothing to do with trauma so I felt a bit anxious writing about it. But now I'm glad I did.

And thanks for the information about the frontal lobe shutting down. I'd never heard of that before. Makes a lot of sense.

So I guess the key is to try and get to the point of being less stressed and anxious when in a situation that requires conversation. Hmmmmm..... Difficult. I guess that is practice and exposure?(yukky, word exposure) But I'm not sure I will ever get to the point of public speaking

 

[ClairBear226]

Writing is exactly how I get through this garbage. I haven't been able to speak about it in anything but very vague terms either. But writing... that's another story. I can't explain why, but it's the one way I can get it out. I keep a private blog , and thus far haven't shared it with anyone, but somehow it helps to process all the crud when I get it out onto "paper".

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

No, it is definitely not just you. It all has to do with trauma and affects all of us. In short, I would say that you hit the nail on the head with your post.

I like your key, Lizio, about getting to the point of being less stressed and anxious (goal #1). How about we just get rid of PTSD? Then we can all become bubbly social butterflies... Hmmm... Ok, that sounds about as unappealing as exposure therapy even if for different reasons.

Public speaking (goal #2) is I think a completely separate category. Quite a few people struggle with that and their struggle is not necessarily related to PTSD.

Did you have any other goals in mind to solve the problems of the world? It sure sounds like you're on a roll...