at the end of the ( insert any measurable unit of time here) you find yourself wondering why you (insert action here) and start to disect the events so you can do better in the future.
thats all pretty normal, right?
I think I know I have PTSD when the normal do/learn/improve cycle becomes a destructive cycle stuck on learn and it feels like do is not getting engaged and improve is a reset i never quite trip. When even the best positive nows get lost in the noise of constantly looking at the when, I have PTSD and I know it.
When you are compared to a man who stepped on a landmine by your "T".
When you are introduced as the man with absolutely no self-esteem at all!!
When the old negative tapes start to roll and push ya back into dark thoughts and addictive self-destructive behaviors.
When you attempt to shut off the default autopilot with varying degrees of success or failure.
When you think your insides show up on the outside and it causes you deep fear of exposure; vulnerability, etc. So much so that you avoid public places.
When you take on the responsibility that others readily understand to be outside of their control.
When you hear others laugh and you cringe because ya just know they are talking and laughing at you.
When you can only find fears and worst case scenarios..
You periodically feel and are convinced that your trauma isn’t actually real trauma and you need to “just fking get a grip”. Then you get knocked on your ass.
Your therapist helps you recognize that you can get off this merry-go-round from hell, and while it takes time, you do eventually figure out where the exit is and how to walk towards it.
And then you realize you have parts, and some of them are still stuck on the ride.