General You Try To Be Nice... What Do Other Spouses Do?

[desert4now]

Hello All,
Wow, we are all in the same place. Hubby has been silent,distant, and cold for about 3 weeks now. I think he may be coming out of it a little..hopefully. It comes and goes. In the beginning when I would question him about what was wrong or if I could do anything.... he would tell me, that the way he feels is that he's not happy, he's not sad, he just is in a place he can't describe and I wouldn't understand. He told me that I should just go about my life and not worry about him but that he just needed to be alone and cope with what is going on inside him his own way. Now, at first that was so hard, but as time goes on, I see that the "backing off" technique does work. BUT....when the "episodes" last a long time, I get really lonely and scared and I don't feel I can even talk to him about how I am feeling. This is confusing too because when he is not in an "episode" he tells me that I need to tell him when things are bothering me so I don't keep things bottled up. Kind of ironic, isn't it? Now when I'm scared and alone, I talk to all of you and it helps yet I would still like a big hug from my guy. When things are going well...life is so wonderful...but when PTSD hits.....it sucks. It is a constant rollercoaster of emotions.

Bottom line though, when he is having a hard time, it is still best to just back off. One other thing I've noticed though and maybe you can help me, when he is having a bad day and my daughter and I go off shopping or just get out of the house, he seems to be jealous and bit miffed we are leaving him. Why is that?????

 

[Andrea42]

Desert4now,
I am feeling the same....things have been very weird for the past month, maybe longer... things have been horrible!

he would tell me, that the way he feels is that he's not happy, he's not sad, he just is in a place he can't describe and I wouldn't understand

I heard that before and it feels like hell when you cannot do a thing for the one you love so much :(

the only difference with me is that i do not know how to back off and give him the time he needs :( I am so hard headed it kills me! I am so angry at myself right now! Why cant i do this for him? I see how much he is suffernig yet i keep on going! I dont understand.... I must have major issues :(
I fear this will last for a long time and i will be scared and alone forever... My husband does come around after a while also, but its not the same anymore... things between us are not the same anymore. All he asks of me is time and i have failed him...i have not been able to do that for him..and considering he is going through so much and has so many problems he has not been the person who throws things at me and calls me names....He still tries to remain calm for me and he puts all with all my sh*t!! I am so angry and afriad of losing him today. I hate this!!!

 

[Deleted member 93]

He could be upset about a few things when you leave. Examples. Y'all feel alone in the silence. We do not so much, we are trying to make sense of what is going on in our head and and even though it does not seem like much it is a lot, the mind is reved up and going and going. So I am anything but just being a zombie I appear to be, my mind is going and going and going... I don't feel alone because I know I can reach my husband at any point I am ready. So the perception of alone is different.

If you and babe take off he may be upset because you are not in reach. It could be jealousy because if he is dealing wih depression or having a hard time getting out it just reminds him he can't. It is jealousy pure and simple. My husband can take the kids to the park and play and all come back fine. I cannot muster the strength to do it anymore and I want that time with my kids. I want to be able to go in a grocer with out being overwhelmed. I get upset because my husband can function and I feel like a weight, a literal ball and chain!

One of my most embarassing, and yes we are capable of embarassment even if not outwardly expressing it, was when I my daughter got a new blow up pool with tropical trees a slide, sprikler, the whole bit while I was at the docs the store was next door. I was so looking forward to setting it up with her and seeing her face when she saw it. I was trying to force myself into a more social setting so I went back to church. I came out a total mess and started a fight with a guy at the corner store over a handi cap spot he was using and did not need. My mood was already in play. I get home to see my in laws from out of state set it up with my husband and she was already playing in it, and to top it off he was cooking, he had not started doing that at that point and I felt like he was swooping in playing super hub and daddy because his parents were there. I had been going through pure hell trying to please them and everyone else and look like I had it together. I came unglued. I just blew up all over the place, totally freaked out on him. At that point I was at the height of being medicated to control me and did not know what was wrong with me. I was diagnosed right after that, but it does not change how I acted and proved meds were a waste of time for me.

I am working on what sets me off, the real reasons. And a lot of it has to do with me just not being capable of fully functioning, and upset he can and does.

I feel guilty also that so much is thrown on him and so much emphasis is placed on my treatment. He expressed a lot of how y'all feel to my doctor echoing the when is it about us thread. When I feel guilty it comes out angry. I really feel like shit because I know I make my husband feel the way y'all do, and it isn't purposeful.

This is a spin my doc put on it and maybe it will help you, it seemed to help us. Would I feel bad, selfish, and unfair if I had cancer that made me ill and was unable to do things and he had the same weights put on him then. I said maybe not so much. He said no. Doc then pointed out I did not ask for this and do not want it, but I am in treatment and I am not going to be able to function right now, simple as that. I should not treat it as any less serious of an illness that needs treatment and I should not beat myself up about having it and things that go with it. When I do I in turn get upset and of course the one helping and able to do things I can't is the one closest to my heart and it hurts. So who do I let it out on and go after? Again the one my mind perceives as almost taunting and reminding me I cannot do a lot right now, though at the same time I need some of these things done for me and know it. I have ups and downs. And when I am down it is far down there. Like I said before it takes a while for my mind to make the whole loop and it is a work in progress. I am truly understanding anger is a result of pent up emotions now, I did not get it before. Anger was all I could feel. Now I am learning what the feelings are that upset me, not I have to teach myself how to express them, not just anger. This is all very new territory for me.

I did not tell my husband these things. I had to have him in there with the doc to help me get it out. I really like how my doc takes a bit of a break on me and my therapy when I choose to address the marriage and relationship, it keeps us stronger. I just show up with him and tell him just go in with me. I do not go into details, just lets go. He knows and doc knows what I mean. The marriage cannot be ignored and both parties are involved. Both parties need to be in counseling at least every once in a while with the same therapist doing the treatment so he is completely aware of every detail already. It has helped us a lot.

And right now I have gone through about 20 emotions over him wanting to make me a simple chocolate truffle recipe that I thought looked good. He bought all the igredients a few days ago. It has taken a few days to get to that is sure nice of him to think of me and he wants to make them for me to snack on during the football game this weekend. Sounds silly huh? I can stress about him wanting to do that for me for a few days... Sounds silly to me NOW. But it took 3 days to accept it what he plans to do for me tomorrow as a good thing. I spent 2 days fuming at myself because I am so sore all over and don't have energy enough to do it for myself. He has no clue about how I felt.

My heart truly goes out to y'all who have a different person at home that you are trying to get to know again and start over. My husband is in the same boat as Kerrie-Ann, he knew I was broke when he got me. How he could see past my issues and love me is beyond me. But he does. He often still does the I love you exchange and he tells me I love you more, yes very 7th grade. I tell him I know he loves me more. If I had to live with someone with this condition and with 2 teens that were not mine, I would have run not marry them! He didn't and we have a child together now.

Y'all can get through this, it won't be easy but love is a hard thing to break and so many of you show true dedication to the people you love, y'all amaze me. I hope an insiders point of view can help. Y'all are very strong standing by your spouse. And I am inspired to see marriage does not get flushed down the toilet during the for worse part of it. You will get back to a better.

 

[desert4now]

Hey Andrea,
You really are a good person and just because it drives you nuts (it drives all of us nuts) that you want to help your hubby but can't only means you are a loving human being. I know it is hard to "back off", I know, I know, I know. That alone is so stressful. Sometimes people have to walk thru the pain on their own to get to the other side of it. Detaching from the PTSD does not mean you are leaving your hubby or giving up, it is actually one of the best things you can do. He knows you are not going to leave, you know it. If you truly feel the need to be proactive about PTSD, positively back away and be waiting in the wings. Honey, I know its the hardest thing to do. We are nuturers and it is against our inner selves, but see it as nuturing him and taking care of him from afar. I hope that makes sense. Please hang in there and PLEASE take care of yourself.

Veiled......thank you. You're cool!! It helps to hear and read the other point of view on this. We need more of this. Keep writing if you think of more things to add on this topic. Take care of yourself and hugs to you.

 

[kimG]

From another one with PTSD...

Space is SO important for us. It's not that we don't want to talk; it's that we really can't talk. I'm not talking about the physical act of talking, it's more that we can't even consciously express ourselves, as if an alien has taken over our bodies. What Warren and I have found is when I feel like I am going to go into a rage, I try to have my wits about me and leave, go to my room, and get over it there. "Getting over it there" may mean crying, sleeping, watching TV, processing through what we were just feeling, etc.

Sometimes, however, my wits just aren't there and that's when the problems occur. When I look back, some of the sh*t I've done while going off has been flippin' hilarious, albeit outrageous at the time. The worst thing Warren could do when I was starting in a rage was to tell me, "Don't throw that" or "Don't do that" when he saw me eyeing something or beginning to do something. To my mind, I interpreted that as he's trying to control me and dammit, I'm gonna do it (whatever it was he was telling me not to do). Yes, it is very childish, but it goes back to the fact that, due to my trauma, I fully believe my emotional child has never had the chance to grow up. So...things got thrown, things got stomped, things got busted and broken, things got splattered (check out one of my previous posts where I describe some of them). Am I proud of it? Heck no; most of the items I broke or damaged were very expensive. But as I said, looking back they were hilarious, the kind of thing that if you were an outsider looking in you would be laughing your butt off watching it.

And yes, afterwards I was so extremely sorry for what I had done and it was always better for me to be able to clean up the mess I made. The times when Warren cleaned it up were the worst, kinda like when your parents gave you the "silent treatment" (cause that meant they were really mad at you!). Maybe me cleaning it up was my self-imposed punishment, I don't know. If he cleaned it up then there really wasn't any punishment I could give myself ...except the mental kind, which never did any good.

From a woman's point of view (I'm now taking myself out of the role as PTSD sufferer), I am finally at a point in my life where I understand and actually believe that men are from Mars and as such Martians are totally different from us. I used to try to get Warren to talk to me, tell me how he's feeling, ask him what he's thinking at that particular moment, etc. but that just frustrated me. I've pretty much given that up, knowing that if Warren wanted to talk with me about something that is bothering him he would. And actually today we had a problem about money (who doesn't?) and were able to work it out by just talking. But those times are really very few and far between.

Perhaps your spouse isn't talking to you because, in fact, they never really were that way to begin with and now PTSD has made it much worse. I don't know. But I do know the loneliness we feel when the men in our lives won't talk to us; just by the virtue of us being women we naturally talk.

Just hang in there. If you need to talk, post it here. We don't have the luxury of a chat room (YET!) but this just may be the next best thing. After all, here you have a whole world of supporters for you and your spouse!

 

[cdunny]

physical touch

well there is only one thing that works with us. whether its at home, in the car, or at the mall. If were not talking, physical contact is the way to go. Either he will brush up against me or lean on me or grab my hand or hug me or something. If Im makeing contact and were at home. I will just come crawl on his lap. Even if we dont talk right away, it feels good to be close to him and helps us remember how important the other one is to us. Usually after this, we dont even bother with apologies, we just kiss and make up and go on like it didnt happen. I use to have to have an apology but I soon realized that putting it behind you is more important than someone accepting blame. :thumbs-up

 

[desert4now]

KimG,
I appreciate your view point. Made sense.

cdunny,
Physical touch does at time work, but lately, other than in the bedroom, he doesn't want to be touched...or should I say, he doesn't want to touch me. Its hard. I'm touchy feely.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Hi Kerri Anne you are doing it tough arent you. A couple of days in Brissy for Anthony may do you both good. I can say I have never had anything thrown at me, hubby probably knows I would throw it back twice as hard!
You have got some stressful times coming up with the baby and the move you sound pretty strong I know you will get through ok.
My thoughts are with you:smile:
Jen

Ah Jen,

Don't worry about me. I kind of found the whole incident rather humourous. Let's face it, its pretty silly of him to go to the trouble of making himself a sandwich and then throwing it. He was only going crook at me because he needed to vent (not that this forgives the way he went about it) but he was no doubt stressing about going to Brisbane, leaving me with the boys, the pre-move stuff, the cleaning of the new house (it wasn't clean like we like it when we got the keys on Friday) and the removal. I did move those boxes too! Although, I promised him that I wouldn't set up or move any boxes while he was away. He could have said that he was worried about me hurting myself but he's just not that straight up with emotional stuff. Anyhow, between the teenager, a friend and myself we have managed to tidy the new house, pack some boxes and move some stuff. He's just stressing about the move, I'm pregnant and get tired easily, we have the toddler and a teenager......thats a pretty stressful place to be. We'll be fine, he'll get home tomorrow and see how much we have achieved, all without me lifting a box and by next weekend it will be distant memory. Except when we can't find things!!

Thanks for you thoughts though. As for being strong, I have my moments like everyone I'm just used to him now and I can read him a bit better than I used to.

 

[Jaynea]

Kerri Ann...I can relate..we moved while my husbands mother was in the middle of dying and he was starting a new job ...and working nights....On the day of the move he kind of flipped out and the moving men said "lady, I don't know how you handle this" Sympathy from the moving men..Sometime you laugh because you're tired of crying...

 

[dazednconfused]

hi

I think you guys are right about giving the "space" thing. It is hard for me as I am impatient too and about to go through a "divorce" according to my husband, but I am backing off and he does not like this either. He just keeps saying that I do miss him, but he does not miss me. Oh well, whatever. He told me today that I am probably the best thing that has ever happened to him and he is just too "stupid" to understand it. What is it with this understanding thing? I mean I understood when I took my vows that I loved my husband and yes, there would be trying times, but you work on them, you don't tuck tail and run and be a coward and that you stick it out together, but he says he would have been dean in 2 years if we had stayed together. I don't know how he knows this, but I forgot, oh yes, his famous saying that "I know everything and if I don't know it, it ain't worth knowing anyway". This is the kind of crap he has always told me and now thinks he can just walk away after 17 years of marriage and say "I am so sorry that I ruined the last 17 years of your life. I thought I loved you, but subconsciously did not and now I am so sorry about this". What kind of crap is that? It just ain't that easy.

thanks for letting me vent and I hope you guys have a better day than me today. I just wish for a day when I can get up and not worry about this mess that I am in right now. I want to be happy and laugh again, really laugh, not just put on a laugh in front of him to look happy to hide the pain that I am going through....

dazed :crybaby:

 

[Andrea42]

Dazed,
I know how you feel about being impatient and about missing the good times....... for a long while i couldnt even remember how to laugh or even smile... times will get very hard... but hang in there.... there is nothing more that we can do but give space... and it seems that your husband contradicts himself alot...one day he loves you and the next he tells you he has wasted his/your time in life.... dont take anything he says right now to the heart... he is not well (obviosuly) give him the time and space so he can get better, but remember that he can only do this (has nothing to do with you) so whether it takes one day or one year he will have to figure this out himself...he cant run forever, he will realize that he needs you.

 

[tig]

About "giving him space"-- If I tell him "I'm going to watch tv in the bedroom to give you some space," he says "Thank you." But if I just go in there & watch tv for the SAME REASON, he gets all upset & chews me out, criticizes me for "spending too much time watching tv in there & isolating myself..." Like I want to watch Nascar & other "guy" tv shows! Ughhh!! Even when I'm giving him what he wants I'm doing the wrong thing! Help!!!