So the time has come that I knew I could not ignore forever. Talking to my sister on the phone the only one who I am in contact with in my family right now let me know father has a desire to make contact with me but apparantly is scared to ask in case I say no. We have not spoken for more than a year. I need to tread carefully , I cannot forgive prematurely and risk aborting the emergence of my feeling self and there is still a lot of that to process. I am still greiving for and struggling to accept that what could have been is gone forever and its to late. I am still trying to accept that he may never behave how I wish he would he just is who he is right now. I cant go back and assume my old role and not have my boundaries again...this is a real toughie I am not going to know what to do right away...any much needed advice and tips on how to deal with these scenarios..
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Family The Contract We Cant Get Out Of
- Post starter IamFree
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Justmehere
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Perhaps instead of no or yes, maybe you can let them know you will reach out in a few more months when you have you feet under you a little more and your feeling self is a little stronger.
scout86
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I don't know if this will help, but my therapist used to suggest keeping as much conversation with my mother in writing as possible. (She could & would email)
He says that the act of writing forces us to engage our higher cognitive functions so she actually had to form thoughts not just spew emotions and it gave me the time and space to sort out where she was coming from and how I wanted to respond.
He says that the act of writing forces us to engage our higher cognitive functions so she actually had to form thoughts not just spew emotions and it gave me the time and space to sort out where she was coming from and how I wanted to respond.
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- #4
Yes indeed I am not going to agree to meet up with him tommorow
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- #5
Yes your right on this one sometimes its so much easier to express yourself with the written word. also as well it takes some effort to write a letter so it also gives you some idea how sincere they are about wanting to heal the relationship. a pen pal relationship is very safe and boundaried aswell and it gives me all the time I need before I may feel the right time is to see him again.
On the basis on my own experience: being estranged for 8 years then having sporadic contact for the last year.
Keep the possibility of communication there in some way, if feels safe, in a way that feels safe. Only so that you can approach at a later date if wanted.
Let people know you need time. It will need to be at your pace.
In my own experience folks have been understanding.
Letters have been a good door opener and way to share my feelings without comeback. Eventually, I need(ed) to hear the other person. Often it has made me notice things I hadn't before that helped move the journey along. But I found letters to be a good way of expressing my feelings and gauging where the others are at.
If you do write a letter and want a response have a think about address: postal and email.
In person communication has been the most activating but also most healing. I left this until impulse/intuition told me it was time. I don't think it's to be rushed but will vary from situation to situation I guess.
It's great you have awareness of not interrupting what I hear as, acknowledgement of feelings etc.
Hope this is helpful in some way. Wishing you well.
Keep the possibility of communication there in some way, if feels safe, in a way that feels safe. Only so that you can approach at a later date if wanted.
Let people know you need time. It will need to be at your pace.
In my own experience folks have been understanding.
Letters have been a good door opener and way to share my feelings without comeback. Eventually, I need(ed) to hear the other person. Often it has made me notice things I hadn't before that helped move the journey along. But I found letters to be a good way of expressing my feelings and gauging where the others are at.
If you do write a letter and want a response have a think about address: postal and email.
In person communication has been the most activating but also most healing. I left this until impulse/intuition told me it was time. I don't think it's to be rushed but will vary from situation to situation I guess.
It's great you have awareness of not interrupting what I hear as, acknowledgement of feelings etc.
Hope this is helpful in some way. Wishing you well.
- Post starter
- #7
Thank you that was very helpful
Just because your father wants to make contact doesn't mean you need to make a permanent decision right now. If you're not ready to talk to him then continue no contact. You don't need to provide a reason why. At least now you have an avenue for how to initiate contact when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone force you into making a decision you're not ready to make.
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- #9
Indeed we must be sure we are not doing something because we feel like we should. I guess a lot if it depends on why the contact has been broken. In this case I fell out with my sister so I went and took it out on him and told him everything I felt like he ought to know about the past ( I really was just like Alanis morrissette in that song lolz and stormed of into the sunset. As usual in my family it was a very small issue that became this big massive out of proportion drama.
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- #10
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