Sufferer Hi

[Rowanberry]

I've been awake all night. Well that's not true as I've layed down a few times but I kind of fall into a fitful sleep and then suddenly wake up in a startled way. I was woken 3 times in my life at unhappy events. Once when I was 17 a few weeks after an overdose attempt to my mom slapping me (she didn't normally touch me which made it all the weirder) and saying I was a disappointment. So ran away that day, well really walked zombie like off the bus at hs and to stay at older man's house who was a "friend". Woke a few days later to me being naked in a bed with him naked and passed out next to me. Not good. I screamed a lot but never told any adult because I thought they would think less of me, haha. Then when staying at a former bf apartment for a few weeks woke to him on top of the bed with a big hunting type knife saying "aren't you going to kill yourself?" and then trying to put it in my hand and aiming for my wrist, then saying he would just kill me himself.

Now I walk around in a daze sometimes and force myself to stay awake sometimes like this past night until I'm absolutely exausted so that I won't have to lay there with my mind. I hate that this is my life. I hate my life. I hate who I am now, just a product of some a holes that got their shallow thrills by abusing me. Wow, and I was such an easy target, for my mom as well. Because I trusted everyone. Fool. Stupid little fool. I love being asleep, just not the process of going to sleep. Which is funny cause I used to love that part when you are losing conciousness but still having some awareness.

If anyone knows how to make yourself go to sleep please someone tell me how.

I can't take pharmacutical stuff bcs it just makes me paranoid about the weird feelings that are side effects. I keep thinking it's going to make me die or something. I think everything is going to make me die now, even choosing the wrong tv show. I'm terrified of making decision. haha. Because if it's the wrong decision something BAD will happen. So I end up staring into space alot. Like zombie girl. Thank you very much if you've read this far. I'm so tire now. I wish so much I could sleep like a used to like a baby and wake happy again. blah blah, the end.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I have this stuff called "sleep music" that you can download off iTunes. One is called The Delta Sleep System by Dr. Jeffrey Thompson, the other is called Binaural Beats. Both are supposed to mimic the brainwaves in our head. When I listen to it as I'm going to sleep, it distracts all the thoughts that are usually racing through my head. The music brings you back to it till you're asleep. It's helped me so much. Maybe it will help you. It sounds best on headphones.
Shells

 

[Silver.]

The key to good sleep is making your bedroom a fortress.
No light, of any kind. Keep it dark. No tv before bed, no tv in the bedroom period,
A white noise machine is great, it cancels outside noise and is very soothing (this is why a lot of people sleep with fans in the winter, same thing)
If it is too loud wherever you are sleeping (outside traffic for example), you could try ear plugs
Meditation before you sleep. The idea that people "cannot meditate" isn't quite accurate. There are meditation styles that allow you to recognize your mind to drift, but help you to bring yourself back to your meditation goals.
You could also try low dose melatonin (1mg). Our bodies make melatonin, so it's already in you. This would be just a little boost to help your body get to sleep. (people tend to have weird dreams on higher doses, that is why it would be good to start out at a low dose)
If you don't have a therapist, you should get one. That can teach you relaxation techniques, self soothing, and mindfulness, that once you are adept at practicing, will help you in your overall goal of getting to sleep.
Best of luck

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

I advise finding a therapist.