How To Deal W/ Embarrassment From Dissociating In Public

[Deleted member 27125]

Has anyone dealt with feeling embarrassed/humiliated for having others witness your dissociation from being triggered? I had a physical therapy appt today and the PT was needing to push on my clavicle and neck area, and last time it didn't bother me but this time I had flashbacks to my childhood trauma of being choked and I got really panicked...he asked if I was ok and I shouldn't have said anything but I said if he could move further away from the neck because it was a trauma thing. After that I went into my usual dissociative reaction and I'm sure I made him uncomfortable because when it happens I get pale and stare into space and have slower reaction time in terms of interaction, a "freezy" feeling of tiredness and detached confusion. Unfortunately this happened at the beginning of the appt and he still had to do other manual work, so my stress response ran its course with involuntary shiver-y spasms/trembling, I am SO embarrassed. I feel angry with myself and feel like I could have stopped it from happening. I feel ashamed of myself and I'm worried that he thinks I'm nuts. Which I probably am. Idk. Does anyone have similar experience you would be willing to share? How do you deal with the embarrassment? :unsure:

 

[Chiqui]

I am sorry you had that experience. But we, trauma survivors, also have rights. Like to comunicate when it is needed that we are feeling uncomfortable. A professional should understand it, probably he did, and you are making something small into something big, and hurting yourself...I am telling you this because I have been there, and still am sometimes... Hope this helps a bit. Hugs if you want to accept them. María.

 

[shimmerz]

Does anyone have similar experience you would be willing to share?

The dentist. He had a 'special room' for me. Any type of invasion of my mouth sent me into deep space 9. He did his work in such a way that he wouldn't breach my left side, he had special nurses, he put a sign on the door that said 'Do Not Enter' when I was in the room, he was unbelievable.

Many others were not so kind. I was never embarrassed by it, I just got pissed off at people for their ignorance and lack of compassion.

 

[pixel]

Ive turned my embarrassment switch OFF, or I've lost it somewhere....

i dissociate daily and primarily feel confused afterwards, or either deadly tired or ravishing hungry.

When people notice and comment, I shrug it off with a frown and say "i was just thinking...... ive just remembered something......" and if it was really obvious i tell them im having a bit of a day... :cool: then i leave or change subject or crack a joke, something to prove im back in the moment and no one needs to worry about me :D inside im laughing at how easy it is to alter people's thinking when i know cant even control my own inner world lol :roflmao:

embarrassing? nah! :joyful:

 

[Dissociated1]

You did a fantastic job of drawing your boundaries! There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Your PT was taught how to handle situations like this in school and has likely experienced this many times before with other clients. It took some time for me to get past my feelings, but I have learned to draw my boundaries before a session starts. A short explanation that I was raped as a child and am uncomfortable being touched in certain places is usually all it takes.

 

[Deleted member 27125]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I feel less alone.
I am still working through the feelings of shame, though they have lessened I think. I guess I just overanalyze the situation, especially because he was working on my neck/shoulder the week prior to the dissociative episode, and even said that I should let him know if it felt too much like he was choking me... and at that appt I was uncomfortable, I said, "no it's fine", but I got through it without having the arousal get so high that it triggered dissociation. The first time I was able to stay in my body and know that I was safe. The second time I was already in a state of higher arousal/anxiety before we even started the session, so I'm sure that contributed. I just don't know how much he knows about trauma responses, and that it can vary depending on the circumstances. I worry that he is confused and thinks that I was being dramatic, or trying to "get attention" based on the power of suggestion. I'm feeling ashamed primarily because of the possibility he might view it that way. I know that's not what happened. I was even surprised about the reaction I had, because I haven't dissociated that strongly in a few months, and it tends to happen as I'm trying to fall asleep and if I'm feeling on edge combined with the flashbacks, and then my body spasms uncontrollably. Agh, idk.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Like all the others, I think you did a great job! The PT might actually have prior experience with patients who had a reaction, since he asked you to let him know if it felt too much like choking. And if he hasn't had that experience, or hasn't had trauma-informed training (yet), then you were a marvelous first teacher for him. You modeled what it's like to respectfully and effectively draw boundaries and take care of yourself. The inner work seems to be about reminding yourself that taking care of your cell is not the same as asking for too much, trying to get attention, or taking up too much space in the world!

I also get triggered at the dentist. I've never said anything except to be very clear about what I will or won't do, and how "I need to be in control of my own mouth." We've been going there for 18 years and they're amazing.

On the other hand, I've learned to just disclose to a new Gyn or anyone giving me a pelvic exam of any type. I usually just say, "I'm a trauma survivor" or "I'm an incest survivor" (the easiest way to get to the point), and then say what I need: "I need you to go slow, I need you to tell me what you're going to do before you do it, stop right away if I ask you to ... Oh, and don't be surprised if I cry a little. I'm okay, I know how to take care of myself."

Both of these things (new doctor and pelvic ultrasound performed by female tech) are coming up soon and things have been difficult for me lately, so I'm talking about it in therapy, plus my wife will be going with me. Writing this post to you reminds me (again) to take my own advice!!!

 

[Deleted member 27125]

Thanks for your support. I really like what you said about taking care of oneself isn't the same as taking up too much space, which is what the self-critical thoughts tend to influence. I am glad you have been able to draw boundaries and advocate for your needs, and I hope that your upcoming appointments go as well as possible. That's awesome that you've prepared how to cope.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Thanks for wishing me good luck with the appointments, @allison789! I think they call it "coping ahead" in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT.) I'm in a DBT skills group (not quite the same as a therapy group), which is helping me a lot. But the idea that you can foresee that some things are just going to be triggering, and you can make a plan ahead of time of how you are going to cope, is important. So, not only will my partner (wife) be going with me to the ultrasound appointment, I have therapy later that day and nothing else planned. So if I'm triggered I have lots of support! Of course, that's not going to make it feel any damned better, but at least I'll have good people around me, not like I have to go back to work or anything. Hope this helps!