Really Really Afraid The Be Happy

[GWhizz]

Apologies if I'm not posting in the correct section - I was diagnosed with ppd after my son was born so it's a related disorder I guess given that it brought everything back up for me.

I recently found out I'm pregnant with baby number 2. My son is now 15 months and I've just gotten things somewhat under control and was starting to learn to manage and adapt to the upheavals in my life that occurred since his birth. Now I'm expecting again, I'm terrified of falling apart all over again. My psych team have never been that great so I've basically reached the point where I do not wish to see them anymore. And I had to suspend work with my T due to financial reasons. So I feel so alone and swamped in this right now. I also feel so guilty. I feel like my son didn't get the mother he deserved with me being upset and erratic emotionally this past while. And now this baby will have that too. I want to be excited. I always wanted a big family and to have a 2nd when my 1st was about 2. I have what lots of women can only wish for and dream of. Yet I'm miserable at the core because my past won't let me go (or I can't seem to let go of it).

My doctors are no support. I don't know what to do from here. I'm just lost.

 

[digger]

First, congratulations :) Second, I'm sorry you're feeling so swamped and overwhelmed. Understandably so. Having postnatal depression after one pregnancy, doesn't always follow that you will have it after all pregnancies. I only have one child myself, but know several people with larger families, who have had pnd after some children, but not others. Do you have a midwife yet? Sometimes they are more sympathetic and supportive than doctors, although not always. Is looking at a private midwife or doula an option for you so you have more support?

 

[ghotiff]

My first pregnancy was really hard emotionally and I was never diagnosed but in hindsight I had ppd with my first.

My second was a total different story for me. The pregnancy was emotionally easier (I think I was less scared because I knew what to expect). Then my second baby was a very easy baby (compared to my first). I went into my second somewhat expecting a repeat of my first but it was totally different and I found some moments of joy with my second.

I hope this brings you some comfort that your second could be completely different. Also you are more aware of yourself this time around and you have us to "talk" to.

 

[Nam]

I was diagnosed with PPD at first. They changed that to PTSD after my first therapist appointment. She said that I don't have PPD. I do have depression however, but it's related to the PTSD, not the baby. I've learned that my body and my brain know when it's time to clean the closet. It usually happens when I'm feeling quite stable, feeling happy again, and let my guard down a little. This is all very, very good! It means that I'm living instead of just surviving. That is usually when flashbacks happen and memories surface. It's a special kind of suckage because I know that when I'm truly happy, the worst comes to visit. The reason why it does is because it is during a time I can handle it. There is counter measures in place already. Like my family, my love for my kids, and the taste of what freedom is like. You have to hold on to that when going through the valleys. I read a little about your history and it sounds all too familiar. I don't know much, but I know this:

1. The fact that you want to be a good mother and doubting you're doing a good enough job most likely means you are doing great.
2. Children are great teachers. They will tell you or show you what they need.
3. Children often show love for their mothers that the mothers don't feel for themselves.
4. There is never a good time to clean out the closet. It'll always feel like the worst time.
5. The accumulation of tragic things happening in your past can do several things in your life: it can break you, it can make you hide or it can make you stronger. What I want you to focus on is how this will become a strength.

I am very fortunate that I have such a strong support group IRL. My last memory happened back in August 2013. I immediately told my hubby who told the people that I would have to be around that day. He knew that I couldn't hide. So he made sure that I was among people he trusted. They didn't push, pry, or ignore. They were just there if needed. If I spaced out, they gently brought me back. If I started to cry for no reason, they guided me to a place where it would be more comfortable. It was amazing. And I tell you, it was a different way to handle a memory. Yes it hurt, yes, I was scared. But, I no longer went into the depths of depression afterwards. There were not as many intrusive thoughts afterward. It was my best traumatic memory recovery yet. I went back to my therapist to tell her about what happened and just in case she thought I needed to resume the appointments again. She said, "You handled it beautifully. You don't need me. You are doing just fine."

Just remember to be kind to yourself...both physically and mentally. Give yourself some breaks and no more negative talk in your head. The hormones, the extra tax on your body is hard enough. You certainly don't need to beat up your emotions. You are making a human being.

 

[Friday]

I get antepartum depression (just like PPD, but during the pregnancy). Come to find, all the women in my family do. Facepalm. Total suckage. Cursed.

Because it was just 'how things were', and my family deals with the inevitable by making jokes and sucking it up, it didn't even occur to me to mention to my OB any of the symptoms until after my son was born. Total accident. It was during my suicide hours (between 5pm & 6-7pm every night for 8 months)... And I didn't want/need to die. Which I sort of gasped out loud. And my OB was in the room. Actually, she was the one who told me the time. And I sort of blurted out something along the lines of "Holy f*ck. But I don't want to die tonight! That's awesome!"

I think she came very close to strangling me.

Come to find... There's meds for that.

PPD can be managed better (esp when it's known about ahead of time) because in addition to antidepressants / antipsychotics, they can add hormones to taper the sudden drop off... So you don't plunge Into the abyss to begin with... But I'm still kind of marveling over the idea of not needing to hold onto a chair (or handcuff myself to the radiator, duct tape on your wrists will prevent damage to them done in writhing, come to find, this is what I mean by my family being helpful) and scream and cry for 1-2 hours every night to avoid killing myself. f*cking hormones.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi @GWhizz ,
please don't beat yourself up.
I can't remember whether I shared "the mindful way through depression" with you. It is really good - actually better than SSRI meds in clinical trials and really easy to adapt to lots of other uses besides depression. One of the authors; Jon Kabat-Zinn, had previously used "mindfulness" to achieve clinically proven benefits for sufferers of chronic pain.

Pirate copies keep popping up and getting taken down off youtube. This one should work - apologies in advance if it has adverts (adblock edge plugin stops them loading). even litsening in 20 minute to half hour segments, I think you'll get a lot from it. If you ever want the paper version, I find these guys are generally cheaper and also a whole lot less creepy about compiling data on you than a--zon are. When I lived in Ireland, I always found Easons to be particularly disappointing and way over priced too.
http://www.bookdepository.com/search?searchTerm=kabat zinn, mindful&search=Find book
In cognitive therapy and CBT terms (again, CBT aims to give you the skills to help yourself) you might like to re read your post and see if you identify any "negative automatic thoughts" and negative assumptions. - again, don't beat yourself up or ruminate on them if you find any. just ask yourself what evidence there is to support them, and do they withstand scruitiny and comparison to daily experience.

big :hug: and congratulations again.

 

[GWhizz]

@Anarchy I've read it and done the meditations a lot. I'm also reading 'wherever you go, there you are' at the moment, do lots of yoga nidra etc - right now though, I'm just not motivated by any of it unfort.

@Nam I also believe I never had ppd, it's all to do with the past. I'm just terrified another baby will throw it all up again and like you said, sometimes when you let your guard down and just be happy, that's when it all blows up. Unfort I don't have much family support outside of my little family I now have. I don't mind that, it's more than I ever had growing up or imagined I'd end up with. I just don't even have that to share my feelings with or the pregnancy itself to enjoy with.

@ghotiff I am hoping that this won't be half as much of an adjustment or transition as it was the 1st time - and yes my son was and still is a tough baby so hoping the 2nd won't be so full on lol!

@digger I am due to meet one of the midwives in a couple of weeks but I never mentioned any mental health issues as I'm so afraid it's like a can of worms and also that they'd kick me off the homebirth scheme I'm on when that's what I want more than anything for this birth.

@FridayJones funny I don't feel the need to self-harm or suicidal at all now I know I'm pregnant. I want to protect this baby and that means taking care of myself while I'm carrying it. That is probably the main positive from this - this baby decided to happen just when I felt I was that low I would lose my life and was about to give up.

I guess I ultimately feel lost without therapy too. I spent the bones of a year investing so much and pouring my heart out to someone but that was cut short due to finances and my inability to handle the therapeutic relationship and trust the process accordingly.

I just don't know what to do. I do want this baby. But I want some assurance that I'll want to live and be there at the end. Otherwise what's the point ultimately?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @GWhizz , one day at a time. :hug:

Big congratulations. :hug: :hug: :hug: