Sufferer Still Birth

[Alz]

Hello,
Just about six months i lost my first born baby through medical negligence- my doctor was in another city when I was to have my c section and my baby died due to delayed delivery - yes such things happen in Pakistan . Anyway I had been married 4 years and always wanted a baby but my husband was not ready so after moving in with my in laws we decided to give it a shot . I conceived in no time .. I was always scared of becoming pregnant because I've had an anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember and I was taking meds fr it . Anyway, at the time i conceived , I was at a happy place - no meds, doing yoga etc .
My pregnancy wasn't easy as firstly my uterus is shaped differently and then I had a hemorrhage early on - doctors said it was a threatened abortion. But being on bed rest and praying a lot , my baby survived ! Throughout my pregnancy I was super anxious - had to get back on antidepressants and even they weren't helping . Anyway 35th week my water burst and I was due .. Whatever state I was in, I didn't think I would lose my baby - anxiety or no anxiety ..
Long story short .. My doctor didn't arrive in time and my baby died inside - a healthy baby boy . Since then everything seemed like a blur - I had dissociation which ended but not I get depersonalisation , imagine seeing things out of the corner of my eyes and sometimes really imagining too much , anxiety , phobias - the works . Like I said it's been six months and it all still feels like I'm in a dream .., I'm taking antidepressants and benzos and get psychotherapy twice a month. My self esteem is zero . I get all sorts of thoughts - suicidal etc etc .. Scary cuz I'd never do it but obv no one wants such thoughts .
I don't know if anyone will read this but when will I be myself? I'm scared of practically evthing - even going to my moms in a different city lest my hypervigilance increases and I go cookoo..
I can't imagine having a kid but I really do want one - but with my mental condition I don't know if it's ever going to b possible :( I guess iv given a really long intro .. Hope someone reads it and helps me through this unreal , bizarre , why me kinda time ...

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry that you lost your healthy baby in the way you did and how hard it must be to deal with so many complicated thoughts and emotions about the malpractice on you to cause such a horrible thing. I cannot imagine how you feel or what thoughts you have but I would like to say that I am so very sorry this happened to you and to your baby.

I would not worry about what others think of you, this is a truely cruel thing to experience.

there are many people here and some of them may have experienced what you have and offer better support.:hug:

 

[Silver.]

Thank you for sharing your story, that must have been very hard to do. It was really brave of you!
There are a lot of great posts and a lot of good people here. I hope you can find the help you are seeking here. Take Care

 

[Alz]

thannks gizmo! How do I find the people on the forum who can help???

 

[Alz]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of...

Thank you so much!!!

 

[Alz]

Thank you for sharing your story, that must have been very hard to do. It was really brave of you!
Th...

Yes I'm hoping to really get help here and get through this difficult period .. It feels unreal really

 

[Deleted member 28403]

thannks gizmo! How do I find the people on the forum who can help???

Well, the simplest way really is to post around the place and talk to people, you are bound to find someone :hug:

 

[Alz]

Well, the simplest way really is to post around the place and talk to people, you are bound to find som...

Ya I'll have to get used to this site and how it works

 

[Silver.]

The forums are separated by categories, and there is a search feature that will pull up specific keywords. I only joined a few weeks ago, but I have spent so much time using the search box to pour through posts of people going through exactly what I have. It has been very helpful. Stay positive x

 

[Alz]

The forums are separated by categories, and there is a search feature that will pull up specific keyw...

God bless you .. Thanks!

 

[ladee]

Welcome to the forum. It took courage to share with us what is going on with you. The main question that stuck out to me was 'how long will I be like this'.... I had a still born baby. It is devastating, emotionally and physically painful. And in my case I was not allowed to see the baby. So for a very long time, it just seemed this horrible nightmare I could not wake up from. It didn't end like it was supposed to. And never getting to see her made it even more of a nightmare... I questioned my sanity for a long time if it ever even happened. I grieved for a very long time... felt guilt for a very long time...Somehow that had to have been my fault. I did something wrong, ect.
Our cases are different, but the feelings are both a lot alike. I was undianosed PTSD then, did not seek therapy. A lot of things happened during this time also that just compounded my self hatred...
So, as I do not have a length of time for you , as grief is different for everyone... I am going to encourge you to share with others . If you have a group in your areas that has lost babies, or one that has lost children, ect. Or just a grief group.. If not, hope you are in Therapy... I wasn't, and seriously needed to be. Because if you had anxiety issues before you got pregnant, possible some thereapy will help get you back on track... You will never ever forget your child. And you will grieve. How long? I don't know.
Keep coming here and sharing your feeling with us... we can listen. Not everyone will relate, but pain is pain.. and we all can relate to that...
My deepest heart felt sympathies to you , because I do understand. Words only mean so much, so please know there is other women out here who does understand every feeling you are having. Thank you for having the courage to share this... Sending gentle healing hugs if you accept.