This is a letter to my boyfriend that I will read to him on Sunday. We have been fighting and might be over. I sat down and looked at things about myself and how my PTSD has been contributing to some things. I needed to post this letter. And felt this would be the only place to do it because I feel hopeless right now.
Things I have realized.
I have been in denial about how my actions and words affect other people, how my actions affect you.
I haven’t wanted to look at them deeply because then I would realize how much I have hurt other people and the most closest that I love.
You are the first person I have ever been in love with- that scares me
You are the first person I introduced my mom to how was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder- that scares me.
You are the first person who I shared my darkest and deepest hurts with-- that scares me.
It is much easier to be tough and to push people away, blame them then actually look at what I am doing.
I have been hurting so bad inside from trauma which I have been working on but its been hard to accept and see anything else. I would take something personally even though it wasn’t meant to be and I would obsess over that hurt. I would say whatever in return because I was already so hurt inside by all the other things in life that I couldn’t see, couldn’t stop hurting you back, because I was swallowed whole by the pain inside. I would say anything regardless of how much it hurt because I was hurting so very badly inside. I wanted to be a strong woman and say and for it to be true that being sexual assaulted for years doesn’t and didn’t impact me, but it very much does. Its a really wretched thing to sit down and think your own father defaulting on the mortgage to purposely move you into his mother's house, build a room in the basement for your mom with a lock on the door so he could keep her down there and he could abuse me all the time upstairs. I’m upset at 28 that it still does hurt and I wonder when the hurt will ever stop. I want to say I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you but honestly what apology could I ever give or offer to you for the hurt I caused you that would take it away and make it better. I’m ashamed of that.
I hope you are willing to give me another chance but if not I can not blame you. I love you very much and I am sorry that I have been taking the years of hurt in me out on you. That I have been in denial about me doing that.
I promise to not be in denial anymore and to look at things when I hurt you. To think before I speak. To love before I react. To not take things so personally as a personal attack because it isn’t meant as such. I promise to not be in denial anymore about the things I do and to actively look at how I have been hurting you and others.
Things I have realized.
I have been in denial about how my actions and words affect other people, how my actions affect you.
I haven’t wanted to look at them deeply because then I would realize how much I have hurt other people and the most closest that I love.
You are the first person I have ever been in love with- that scares me
You are the first person I introduced my mom to how was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder- that scares me.
You are the first person who I shared my darkest and deepest hurts with-- that scares me.
It is much easier to be tough and to push people away, blame them then actually look at what I am doing.
I have been hurting so bad inside from trauma which I have been working on but its been hard to accept and see anything else. I would take something personally even though it wasn’t meant to be and I would obsess over that hurt. I would say whatever in return because I was already so hurt inside by all the other things in life that I couldn’t see, couldn’t stop hurting you back, because I was swallowed whole by the pain inside. I would say anything regardless of how much it hurt because I was hurting so very badly inside. I wanted to be a strong woman and say and for it to be true that being sexual assaulted for years doesn’t and didn’t impact me, but it very much does. Its a really wretched thing to sit down and think your own father defaulting on the mortgage to purposely move you into his mother's house, build a room in the basement for your mom with a lock on the door so he could keep her down there and he could abuse me all the time upstairs. I’m upset at 28 that it still does hurt and I wonder when the hurt will ever stop. I want to say I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you but honestly what apology could I ever give or offer to you for the hurt I caused you that would take it away and make it better. I’m ashamed of that.
I hope you are willing to give me another chance but if not I can not blame you. I love you very much and I am sorry that I have been taking the years of hurt in me out on you. That I have been in denial about me doing that.
I promise to not be in denial anymore and to look at things when I hurt you. To think before I speak. To love before I react. To not take things so personally as a personal attack because it isn’t meant as such. I promise to not be in denial anymore about the things I do and to actively look at how I have been hurting you and others.
