Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[lostforgottensoul]

I applaud your strength and willingness to face the darkness, and I can tell you... that is rather rare.

Id caution against generalizing that direction as well.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This is why I do not believe he knows how I feel.

He may not, but just saying that he may have felt more than you know; more then he stated to you or let you know and that might be why he went into isolation.

Maybe not...but maybe.

 

[EveHarrington]

@MandyLou

But you're Not a therapist. You aren't trained to know what to say in response. If the sufferer flys off the rails you don't know how to handle it.

IMHO it boils down to what a supporter wants versus what a sufferer needs. It's not fair and even selfish IMHO to place guilt on a sufferer who can't open up.

Examine what is your need to feel better versus a sufferers right to privacy.

Please don't play therapist.

 

[mary1979]

Looking a little like the supporter became the sufferer and vise versa here.

Why take issue with someone for sharing their experience?
And then attack them again for trying to empathise with yours?
Thats what I saw in this thread, and it reeks of the typical hypersensitivity that causes most arguments here.

Then bold font to boot?
I dont usually notice differences in capitals etc too glaringly, its a way to express stronger feelings and there's no need to be offended.
Even I was like wtf at that bold post though.


@glass half full,

I agree with you that at times us sufferers blow off the feelings that you must have to deal with over being isolated, and oftentimes I read things here and think the supporter should just get the hell out of there, ill or not, no one deserves that treatment.
I constantly look at the people in my life and wonder how they put up with me.
You're a tough breed of person to continue loving in the face of that, and I admire it.

Lost sharing her experience of people jumping ship however shouldn't be something you take personally.
In fact I highly doubt that Lost even holds it against those people that have left her, she probably blames herself.
You are way taking issue with the wrong person here.
Are you thinking about bailing?
You have every right to you know?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

In fact I highly doubt that Lost even holds it against those people that have left her, she probably blames herself.

Sure do, every day im thinking what i can do better to make just one family member care.

Actually, it got so bad that it was affecting therapy so my therapist had me back away from them and all the drama. I was constantly freaking out after another one left and obsessing over why i was told they left.

If ive cut over one topic the most, my family abandoning me is it. Punishing myself over their actions.

Thats how a trauma survivor thinks and feels.

I hate generalizing and i have challeneged to not think everyone/no one and keep myself challenged so i cant say "majority of supporters..." just like its incorrect to say "majority of trauma survivors..." When did we all loose individuality? You cant control another person, supporter or sufferer, no matter how hard you try.

You cant make him do anything or understand anything. The only thing you control is you and how you react. Thats it.

 

[glass half full]

He may not, but just saying that he may have felt more than you know; more then he stated to...

Anything is possible. I think I've been consistent in saying I do not know why he isolated. I have never assumed I know why.


One more point on details- I chose- out of a sense of decorum, not to specify that my ex bf recollected several incidents that haunted him from his war- including using that piano wire as a garotte to take out a soldier standing guard. As he was recollecting, his story was very detailed. No, its not the same as having lived it. But, since points were made about details vs DETAILS, yes I have heard explicit details about hand to hand combat that resulted in death. And I thanked God my ex soldier was alive to tell me about it and went on to make passionate love to him in a celebration of his being alive. I can handle what my vet may worry about telling me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe we don't want to talk about details?

Why force the issue?

To who's benefit is that?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

yes I have heard explicit details about hand to hand combat that resulted in death.

Maybe but if i were to advise you, outloud, my example; i would have retraumatized myself.

Hell, i retraumatized myself by just sorting through my past to try to make each one seperately pass through a diagnosis (different thread but same sort of thing) and it was just in my head and ended up wetting the bed for the first time in my adult life.

I did that to myself but thats an example.

Not all victims can do that but thats not their fault either. Doesnt make them less brave or less wanting to face the darkness.

 

[EveHarrington]

You're making it into a you issue when it's likely a him issue.

If he doesn't want to share details then that's his right.

We all have a right to privacy.

Even if we shared details before doesn't mean we must now.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm kinda grossed out at the idea of having sex after hearing details of trauma but I'm a CSA survivor so it's not surprising that this would repulse me.

 

[MandyLou]

@EveHarrington - yes, that is right to privacy but close relationship calls you out. It makes you vulnerable before yourself. Not in just sharing details, or in any other specific things - everyone has a choice to do this or that. My point is, if one chooses to be in a relationship, then certain walls should come down to let your significant other in, meaning that that you're choosing to expose yourself, be more vulnerable and learn to trust then part of that privacy disappears in a way because now instead of just considering yourself, you learn to be open in ways you hadn't been before.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My point is, if one chooses to be in a relationship, then certain walls should come down to let your significant other in, meaning that that you're choosing to expose yourself, be more vulnerable and learn to trust then part of that privacy disappears in a way because now instead of just considering yourself, you learn to be open in ways you hadn't been before.

Says whom? The PTSD relationship police?

To trust a guy just to let him in bed with me where im vulernable takes a long time. To have walls come down more time, to even know i was abused more time, to know i was in a cult more time, to know what happened without details more time, if more details come it will be on my terms and in my time and they may never come and again, up to me.