Boyfriend And I Can't Stop Fighting. Please Help

[Brooke1025]

In desperate need of help, advice, anything.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and half now. But for months now all we seem to do is argue and fight. It seems like we can't go a day together without arguing about something stupid half the time.

He has PTSD after finding his dad dead (suicide) and his mom was out of town at the time so he had to figure it out all on his own. He was only 18 when it happened, now 20.

I love him to death but all we do is fight. He seems to just call me out for everything and gets so angry with me over such little things or sometimes no reason. I've been told by his family that he's always been sort of an angry kid but this is beyond normal anger. Even if the argument is small he'll snap and just get this scary amount of rage. He's been to some counseling but wasn't a big fan of it so hasn't gone for some weeks now. I love him and I try to talk to him about how we can better express our feelings when one of us is upset but whenever I try to calmly talk to him about something that may have upset me, he just gets pissed and directs the blame on me. It seems like whenever we get into an argument he puts all the blame on me and honestly I'm beginning to hate myself from it. I don't know what to do anymore. But I don't want to lose him or for our relationship to end cause he has a good heart deep down and I know he's in a lot of pain and fighting sure isn't helping his grieving process.

 

[EveHarrington]

There may not really be much that you can do, sadly. If he's skipping therapy and not working on getting better then his symptoms may not improve.

Is he open to going back to therapy? Is he seeing a trauma therapist?

 

[Brooke1025]

We've been in England for the past three weeks cause all of his extended family lives there and because we were there for such a lengthy amount of time his counselor closed off his case. And his job hasn't given him a day off in three weeks because of how long the vacation was so he hasn't had a day to go. He's working almost 60 hours a week because he had to get a full time job to support his mum. No I don't think a trauma therapist has ever been mentioned to us. He just went to a normal counselor.

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome. Glad you found this forum!

Your care for your mate is a gift. And, unfortunately, your love can not heal him. His current behavior is likely to continue until he chooses to go to back into therapy. Therapy can seem grueling and painful. I left therapy after I first started. Six years later, when the symptoms bought me to my knees, I returned.

On the bright side of things, therapy can help him, once he can tolerate it.
I had a friend who had a similar experience, and therapy, including EMDR, was transformative.

Until he goes to therapy, you are actually being traumatized by his behavior. Please consider looking at therapy, yourself. Alanon groups can be helpful, too. They give support to help supporters do what they can: focus on taking care of themselves. As the groups are intended for people who know alcoholics, the information can help anyone in a stressful relationship. And, for decreasing fights, you may look up and find Non-Violent Communication techniques very helpful.

Know that you are not doing anything wrong. His brain is in a traumatized state, and will naturally go in and out irrational moods. You are doing everything right. The best thing you can do is get out of the way; that way he may notice he needs help sooner.

Best to you.:hug:

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Brooke,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry that you are getting the rough end of things.

From what you have written, it does seem that your boyfriend has a lot of pressure on him. you might like this as an explanation: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

I might be completely wrong on this - but I'm seeing more in what you've written that suggests both of you getting some sessions with a family and relationships therapist, rather than a trauma therapist.

It looks like you have a long (but very worthwhile) process ahead of each of you; learning the skills necessary to reduce the load on yourselves, to learn to communicate effectively and peacefully and skillfully, and to understand interpersonal boundaries.

@Saetva 's suggestion of none violent communication is excellent. Do you have mp3 players? if you get one of the none violent communication audiobooks, perhaps you can each listen to it on your ways to and from work?

you being able to communicate your needs and him being able to communicate his needs better will hopefully remove a lot of the stress that you are both under at the present time.

Regarding interpersonal boundaries and individual responsibilities (Totally with @Saetva on this), this will give you a very brief summary Link Removed
It's intended for people living with alcoholics, but it's just as applicable if you substitute the word "dysfunction" for "alcohol".

One of the questions for your boyfriend to come up with for himself, or for a relationship therapist to bring up with him (do not go there yourself - because it will almost certainly end in a big fight) is why bf has to work a 60 hour week to support his mother?

Why is she herself unable to work? or unable to reduce costs? but still willing to work him 60 hours a week?

Like I said, I might be completely wrong, but to me, what you are describing falls much more in the field of communication, relationship and family skills rather than trauma.

@

 

[Brooke1025]

Welcome. Glad you found this forum!

Your care for your mate is a gift. And, unfortunately, your love ca...

I was beginning to feel like I was losing myself and I was becoming so angry and would lose it. And after it happened for the second time I realized now I was changing cause everyone knows me as the level headed one in my group of friends and even got the nickname "mom". And I was never an angry person before. Unfortunately I can't afford counseling at the moment but I still had a gym membership so I'm now working out everyday and feel so much happier and less stressed. As for his counseling I'm gonna speak to him about it today and about going back. Even though he didn't see it he was improving when he was going but after a few sessions he began to feel like he didn't have anything to say to the guy. My boyfriend is extremely shy so it's hard for him to go but I tried to make it a fun experience and take him out for lunch or dinner every time. Any advice on bringing counseling back up?

 

[Brooke1025]

Hi Brooke,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry that you are getting the rough end of things.

From what you h...

That cup representation definitely helped put things into perspective more. As for his amount that he's working, his mom works just as many hours if not more but his father left behind no money and instead just loads of debt. So they're trying to pay off everything and work their way up but it's just extremely hard for him being so young and working so much. He's begun to cry everyday before work. It breaks my heart. He's just a kid but has been forced to grow up in such a short period of time and I know that's adding more stress onto him.

 

[Knak]

Please don't forget you are not him and his problem is making you into something you were not. I don't feel comfortable with your assuming you are so tied to him. He is in a bad spot but you are not a life raft for a drowning person.

Don't make his problems your own. It is not good for either of you. It might make it easier on him not to have the responsibility of a relationship with you.

Feeling it is love is often an addiction. I know. I have been through that many times. You were born alone and you will die alone. He wasn't tied to you and you are not responsible for him. The more you can separate yourself from his identity the better off you will be to handle the rest of your life.

A truly healthy person would not have allowed himself to get into this relationship. If others say he has had anger problems you missed the sign that could have saved you from tying a rock to yourself.

Life is about making it the best you can for yourself because nobody else is going to do that. Each person is primarily interested in himself. Making your life all about saving someone else is a way of distracting you from your own challenges that would make you grow and mature.

 

[Brooke1025]

In the beginning of our relationship he was perfectly fine. You wouldn't of known something so bad had happened to him and he displayed no signs of PTSD. But as time went on yeah he started changing and for some time I did feel responsible but I've learned to do my own thing and not worry so much about him and rather focus on myself. I found out about his temper a year after we started dating. Should he have started dating me so soon after what happened? No probably not but he made that call. Yes we've gone through some tough times but I can honestly say that we've helped each other through some dark things. I didn't "tie a rock to myself" and I'd never consider him that way. I'm sorry but you overstepped your bounds a little by that. He's an amazing person with a good heart and if you can't be there for someone at their worst than you damn sure don't deserve them at their best. I've told him many times before if he ever feels in any way that this relationship is too much that we can just be friends and he can have all the space he wants. But even through all of this he's been a good boyfriend. Love isn't an "addiction", infatuation is. When you love someone you want what's best for them

 

[Justmehere]

I admire your heart for him and your compassion for what he is going through.

A few thoughts:

You can't change him. You can encourage but not change him.

You can change you. Non-violent communication techniques are a great recommendation for dealing with someone with a temper.

Establishing boundaries are also a great idea. Things like, "I want to hear you out, and I need you to talk to me with a lower voice so I can do that." If he doesn't lower his voice then end the conversation and tell him you will talk when he can do it with a lower voice. Things like that can go a long ways to reducing out of control arguments where people are just reacting to each other's reactions.

Anger is a part of the grief process and not separate from it. Dumping anger on you isn't helpful. It could be related to the grief and PTSD - there may also be some changes that need to happen in the relationship too.

 

[Chris856]

In the beginning of our relationship he was perfectly fine. You wouldn't of known something so bad h...

Brooke. I'm in a similar situation, only I'm the guy with the ptsd and I've been arguing with my wife over stupid things. The stresses of our situation sometimes overwhelm me and I loose perspective. What you wrote about your bf, your commitment and your caring brought me to tears. "He's an amazing person with a good heart and if you can't be there for someone at their worst than you damn sure don't deserve them at their best." All I can say is you rock as a compassionate human being. I have no answers or insight for you, but I wish you both the best.

 

[Brooke1025]

This brought me to tears. It's so f*cking hard sometimes but when you know the person is worth it, that's all that matters. I wish you and your wife the absolute best. Thank you for your comment. It made my day. It's been one of those days and I really needed this thank you