magnolia2224
New Here
I'm not sure if dissociation is the right word, if it's not then please someone correct me. But during various traumas, I have (automatically, without realizing it) detached myself from the situation, to varying degrees of severity. At the time obviously this was helpful. But now when I'm triggered by something my brain cuts me off from the rest of my body and it's creating some problems.
For instance, when I was injured, I became deathly calm immediately and was the one instructing others to call an ambulance. I was cracking jokes with the paramedics and was the one reassuring THEM when they stuck me four times trying to administer fentanyl for pain relief and failed. I kept a giant wall in my mind between me and the reality of the injury, and covered my bottom half up with a blanket so I didn't have to see it when lying in the bed in the ER. Compartmentalization or something. But now, when I have nightmares or am triggered, I immediately feel disconnected from myself. Like I'm puppeting my own body from inside a small corner of my mind. Sometimes even normal stressors will cause this, not even actual triggers. It feels like my brain is on a hairpin trigger sometimes.
During a separate, different kind of trauma, all I can remember was being trapped in the exam room with the doctor. He was saying things, bad things, very scary things, threatening things, and my mind went blank and all I could focus on was appeasing him so that it would end sooner and I could leave the building and get as far away as possible. Now when I am in an exam room with any doctor, my body/mouth operate separately from what my mind is doing. I go into the appointment with things I need to discuss with the doctor -- referrals to specialists, changes to my wheelchair, new medications, etc -- but my body reverts back to how I felt in that one moment where all I wanted to do was say and do whatever I could to get everything over with faster. So I'll be inside my mind screaming at myself to talk and say what I came there to say, but then my mouth will open and I'll say something like "No, no concerns, thank you, that's all." And it won't be until later that day that I'll come back to myself and feel so shitty because I screwed it up again.
I know all the grounding exercises, and try to do them. But it doesn't help the feeling. I don't know. I don't feel like anything helps. I know that's probably a cognitive distortion itself, but. I don't know.
For instance, when I was injured, I became deathly calm immediately and was the one instructing others to call an ambulance. I was cracking jokes with the paramedics and was the one reassuring THEM when they stuck me four times trying to administer fentanyl for pain relief and failed. I kept a giant wall in my mind between me and the reality of the injury, and covered my bottom half up with a blanket so I didn't have to see it when lying in the bed in the ER. Compartmentalization or something. But now, when I have nightmares or am triggered, I immediately feel disconnected from myself. Like I'm puppeting my own body from inside a small corner of my mind. Sometimes even normal stressors will cause this, not even actual triggers. It feels like my brain is on a hairpin trigger sometimes.
During a separate, different kind of trauma, all I can remember was being trapped in the exam room with the doctor. He was saying things, bad things, very scary things, threatening things, and my mind went blank and all I could focus on was appeasing him so that it would end sooner and I could leave the building and get as far away as possible. Now when I am in an exam room with any doctor, my body/mouth operate separately from what my mind is doing. I go into the appointment with things I need to discuss with the doctor -- referrals to specialists, changes to my wheelchair, new medications, etc -- but my body reverts back to how I felt in that one moment where all I wanted to do was say and do whatever I could to get everything over with faster. So I'll be inside my mind screaming at myself to talk and say what I came there to say, but then my mouth will open and I'll say something like "No, no concerns, thank you, that's all." And it won't be until later that day that I'll come back to myself and feel so shitty because I screwed it up again.
I know all the grounding exercises, and try to do them. But it doesn't help the feeling. I don't know. I don't feel like anything helps. I know that's probably a cognitive distortion itself, but. I don't know.
