Panicking: Paratransit Rides Booked My Monday Trip Incorrectly

[Ava Jarvis]

Oh my f*cking gods.

Paratransit rides decided to book my ride on Monday 1 hour earlier than the appointment. It's Sunday so I can't rearrange the schedule and they're not in the office

I don't know what to do

I'm also heavily triggered by Mother's Day and not exactly memories, just visceral ones—anxiety, paranoia, fear—like my father is going to come and hurt me really badly and try to kill me.

I keep repeating "kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself" in my head and I know that is NOT the answer

Oh my gods

I don't know what to do! If I miss this ride I'm banned permanently from paratransit and I won't be able to get to my therapist appointments

If I take this ride I will go into shock for a 50-mile trip for NOTHING and then go back into shock for another 50-mile trip for NOTHING

AND get forced to pay for my appointment that I missed

Oh my gods oh my gods oh my gods

I'm panicking so much right now and everything is bad and horrible

 

[Ava Jarvis]

I guess I have to budget spoons to go into shock for a 50-mile trip for NOTHING and a 50-mile trip back for NOTHING and then pay $300 out of pocket

Gods I still want to kill myself

 

[Ava Jarvis]

I can sell stuff to make up the $300 but I am not doing well and I haven't been able to mail anything reliably because I cannot function reliably

Oh my gods

I am on a crisis line but the person has gotten my name wrong three times even after I spelled it and got my number wrong twice and didn't reaffirm whether they got it right or not and then hung up ... Just now so I guess I am no longer on a crisis line

Oh well. So much for that.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

I just want to hurt myself constantly right now

But I'm not gonna do it

I am trying to call friends but no one is answering

Murphy's Law applies to panick attacks

 

[expectingbetter]

Dear Ava, is there a possibility to postpone the appointment with a therapist? Even for some other day, so you wouldn't lose all that money.
I am not familiar with a meaning of paratransit but I get it that you need to take that ride in order not to lose that privilege

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Yeah paratransit is like rides from the government for trips to Medicare facilities

On phone with friend now

So it will be ok somehow

 

[Ava Jarvis]

My friend says the harsh penalties are not how things operate in practice

My father says they are and that I need to be punished for things going wrong

My father is not here but he would beat me whenever stuff like this happened

So this is pretty much a Pavlovian response

 

[sun seeker]

I'm glad you found your friend. Glad you realize it isn't as bad as it feels like it is. That is huge right there.

Focus on exhaling. Look around you at all YOUR things arranged YOUR way... your dad is not there.

Connect to something. Inside yourself might be too much right now. Connect to your friend's voice. Right now, you are safe. All you have to do is be. You can decide what to do later.

I have to go out for a bit. Will see how you're doing later. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Hi all

Thanks @expectingbetter and @sun seeker

Just consumed by fear and anxiety and horrible memories right now and everything is horrible and terrible and I can barely think

I should not run away from the house -- it will not help. Right now am horribly vulnerable and triggered

I want to eat out but it will be impossible to get a table much less parking because Mother's Day

And leaving house is a bad idea right now but urge to flee is so so so so so so so powerful

Maybe I leave house for a very short time to go to pizza parlor and grab some $5 slices because pretty sure that's not a Mother's Day meal hotspot

But then again this IS the Seattle area so you never know

 

[joeylittle]

If I miss this ride I'm banned permanently from paratransit and I won't be able to get to my therapist appointments

It's gonna be fine.

Call them in the AM; tell them you need to change the time for the return. Go ahead and take the outbound - it will be a challenge to stay OK for the 50 minutes you are early, but can you find somewhere just to sit and think thoughts and draw?

When you are on the morning pickup, if you've not gotten through to the office, tell the driver that your return got scheduled for too early, and you have called the office, but don't know if they got the message.

If the worst-case scenario is you need to take a cab back home, is that possible?

 

[Lucycat]

Paratransit rides decided to book my ride on Monday 1 hour earlier than the appointment. It's Sunday so I can't rearrange the schedule and they're not in the office

Ok. So my understanding is that paratransit is a travel organization to get you to your appointment. Why is it a problem that you will be there early?
Here hospital transport to get you to an appointment, organise it so that they can get most people there in time, so if there are 3 others in the car, some will be very early, others a little bit early but the idea is that nobody is late. Similarly you may wait ages to go home until everybody is ready to travel. The main hospital is 90 miles from our home so delays are expected, anticipated and planned for. To be at an appointment 1 hour early here is congratulated - not seen as a problem.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm back. How are you doing now?