Terrified

[Ucaz]

I'm terrified.

So much so that I don't feel safe enough to share anything of great substance about what's brought me here. I'm afraid that even the most vague details will somehow be recognizable by my abusers and they will come for me. They will find me. They will kill me.

What has happened to me...is happening to me...sounds incredulous. The above fear isn't a delusion, either; it's happened before and I'm very lucky to still be here, alive. Finding people who will believe me and who are strong enough to help me carry this...who are safe enough to help me carry this...well. That's the challenge, isn't it?

 

[Cogohib]

I'm not saying that you are paranoid - but please, do remember that paranoia and hyper vigilance are major symptoms of PTSD.

Are you currently in danger from something direct? Or are you afraid that a cycle from the past is repeating itself?

 

[Womu]

There is a threat, yes. I have what supports in place that are available and am trying to not fall into the stifling fear of past cycles repeating. However, I won't deny...I can't deny...that is also a factor. I'm trying my best to see what is happening as clearly as possible. It's really hard.

 

[Afa]

What are your options, in terms of making your surroundings safer?

 

[Fogepe]

I have two people who are willing to help me if I need to call outside authority. They cannot be 24/7 sitters and should not be expected to, either. However, having them on stand-by via cell phone is comforting.

 

[Kisazum]

I have two people who are willing to help me if I need to call outside authority.

This is great.

Why not get help now, though? Why wait?

 

[Egu]

Because if I don't have to draw attention to myself by starting a legal process preemptively, I'd rather not. Right now I'm having trouble with just surviving and doing basic things, such as eating, hygiene, keeping my environment clean and sleeping. I also have a chronic illness that takes whatever energy is not going towards survival activities.

 

[Butev]

Action kills fear.

If courts out, and I hear you there, and talking about it is out -at least for now-, what can you do in your day to day life & long term that let's you do something instead of just wait?

 

[Jocit]

I also have a chronic illness that takes whatever energy is not going towards survival activities.

Terror makes everything harder. I wonder if you could reach out to those friends who are on standby should an emergency arise, and instead enlist them in some help with either starting whatever legal action is necessary, OR supporting you in some more active way with your chronic illness?

 

[Tabalo]

What I'm doing day-to-day to help is educating myself more about PTSD. I'm also exploring, tentatively, other supportive resources locally (unfortunately that list is rather anemic). I hesitate to ask my friends for more in-depth support because I am not their family member nor their responsibility. I'm slowly building some structure back into my life instead of allowing the chaos of my abusers to dictate what happens.