I'm terrified of everything getting worse

[SeekingAfrica]

I am moving at the end of the month, getting evicted. There was a plan which fell apart after I broke up with my partner. I have no immediate income.

Now there is a plan. Apply for jobs, start 2 side ventures, sell what I can. Promote side ventures via youtube, blog, social media. That is income wise.
For moving separate things to regular cleaning, deep cleaning and repairs if needed, leaving some stuff with few friends so I travel light whatever happens.
See friends for support. Be positive and proactive.

But it's a lot, it's too much, I feel crushed and scared to breathe and time passes and I'm crying constantly and it's getting worse.

I don't want to procrastinate but I have no clue how to begin and every step feels like I'm ignoring something else and I end up crying and sleeping on repeat and feeling weak and useless.

Everything needs to get done, I am not sure if I'm moving here somewhere or taking a break at my parents, I Don't know if I start a job here if I will be able to keep it if I don't know where to live and need to return to my home town and it's all too much.

And once I have some income at least I'll have options but this right now is killing me and I am having panic attacks every day and I still Don't know how to start.

 

[Ecdysis]

Go in terms of priority and urgency - what is most urgent for you.

Cleaning or even deep cleaning an apartment when you leave is "nice" but if you don't have the ability to do "everything" then this is one of the things to scrap.

Look at it like this: if you were hit by a bus, then your landlord would get a company to take your furniture to the rubbish dump and call in a cleaner to spend one day cleaning the apartment for the next tenant.

A mental health crisis can be a lot like getting hit by a bus, so if you have to, then just "walk away" from the situation, leaving any furniture you don't need behind and not doing any cleaning.

It's not "great" but it's not a "disaster" either.

Sort out what is important TO YOU.

Go in order of priority so if you get the first 3 things done, then great, and if you can't do the other 14 things on your list, then it is what it is and just walk away from it and leave it to whoever to deal with. They're not in a mental health crisis, but you are. So they'll figure out what to do.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Ecdysis thank you!

That is a great advice! Took me 10 days lost to comprehend that just because I can think of 10 side jobs too to help myself doesn't mean I can do the mall. Two weeks of grieving my ex breakup and putting so many tasks that I shatter and cry all day.
And I kept thinking it doesn't matter in what state I am, I have to be my best right now.
Some things in the way this situation is triggered my PTSD and well- the results doing nothing and crying on the floor even though I have skills.

I never even considered anything less than perfection to be acceptable. So thank you,I'll try.

 

 

[arfie]

I never even considered anything less than perfection to be acceptable.

during my own recovery phase where i was working to accept progress over perfection, i challenged myself to define, "perfection." fast forward 30 years and i have still not found that perfect definition of perfection. i have been trying to chose my fave of the candidates and ? ? ? perfection is but a delusion? cherished opinion? control freakitis? an opportunity to let the mystery be? listening for that quiet voice i call, "god?"

dunno, but when i can let go of the quest for perfection and just do the best i can with what i have to work with, life often sends me solutions i wouldn't have found by rocking my worry chair. worry is like a rocking chair. it gives me something to do but it gets me nowhere.

how do YOU define, "perfection?"

 

[Movingforward10]

I would totally leave the cleaning of the flat. Unless you are due a deposit. If not, you're being evicted: leave the cleaning. And work on securing your new housing.

It is a lot to deal with.

 

[Ecdysis]

I never even considered anything less than perfection to be acceptable.

Yes, we stop being able to think straight and logically in a crisis.

If I was inside the same crisis as you, I wouldn't be able to give myself the same logical advice that I mentioned above.

And conversely, if you were in a stable situation and I was in such a crisis, you would be able to give me sensible advice that I would need.

I compare it to CPR. We may be independent, competent adults but in a crisis, none of us can perform CPR on ourselves. Each of us relies on the help of others, interdependently, to provide CPR, when it is needed.

Only do what you need to do "in an emergency" right now.

You can put your life back together when you are more stable and once this mental health crisis has passed.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie I guess currently perfection would be making enough for what I owe my landlord and for new apartment.

Which in my mind translates to doing 2 side jobs + trying to sell those jobs online and locally and promote them + apartment preparation + job applications locally + working out 45min x day + leaving at least an hour for self care during the whole month +leaving luggage with friends so it's easy to move when time comes....

@Movingforward10 there is small deposit but also I owe money to the landlord. If I clean well it would be nice if she removes it from the debt so it's less.

@Ecdysis I'm starting to see what I wanted isn't an option but it doesn't make it easier to see what is an option.
I owe at least part to the landlord, I need money for new place or moving home for a bit worst case ...

I have few ideas of income but doing all of them will get me exactly where I am, overwhelmed and no where really. I need to make choices and fight for them. No income is not an option.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

P.s. the current situation is making me feel like this month is the end of everything which isn't great...

 

[arfie]

your current definition reminds me of another definition i've heard during support group dialogue on this subject. "unrealistic expectations."

i find myself wondering if your current definition is doable, even during a handicapped period, but still enough to be a more self-pressure than fair expectation. just wondering. . . steadying support while you sort you own.

 

[Tinyflame]

@SeekingAfrica that is a huge amount of stress. Times like that I've found compartmentalization is the only way, and to prioritize. With such a time there is no trauma processing (like Maslow's pyramid of needs). Perfectionism can be because of fear of criticism. But you don't have time or need for being perfect, and you don't have to be.

Just a thought, prioritize and be realistic within the constraints:

1. You have great friends. If they will store things for you they will help you pack and clean your apartment. Ask them. 'Clean' being clear space, vacuum and wash (not 8 hours on the stove fume hood, but 8 or 10 hours on the suite, or a couple of days). Open space, lots of light, clean surfaces, nice smells. Tackle basic small repairs. Don't assume doing more will mean landlord will wave anything. Throw out, give away, sell, pack or store with friends. Keep things valuable to you as one day this crisis will pass. Mark your boxes for easier move, or keep a Master List. When the crisis is passed you won't remember details you thought you would. Do the basic. You can come back if there is time for more. Wash the spot before the whole wall; vacuum vs steam clean; clean taps before scrubbing the tub; use a swifter (or Freedom mop) before washing on your hands and knees; remove clutter, windex the windows or balcony doors. Use clean scents like lemon, bright lightbuls. Even bake simple cookies (no lie). If necessary get friends or basic cheaper products like a tube of woodfill and sandpaper for touch ups.

2. Determine new residence. If you have family or friends you can stay with use them. Unless physically or outright abusive being less than ideal is good enough. This isn't about pride it's reality, and best to know what isn't an option. And not permanent. If you do not have money that is more realistic as all jobs that are not guaranteed require time to secure, and work to complete to get revenue. Even if not freelance most work is not paid daily (at least out here) except for physical labour. If you can realistically commit to a couple of assignments do so and complete them to the best of your ability (not perfection). Perfection is also a subconscious way of not starting at all.

3. Spend at least 2 hours seeing if there are any financial supports available for people in your situation. If necessary call a few shelters. Do not act in desperation or accept something too good to be true (it probably is).

4. Keep a routine of sleeping, eating and a regular day's hours. Start early but factor in breaks. Come here and post. Save energy where you can (including not beating yourself up). Put on music. Do not think, just do. If necessary or your nature talk to yourself to process as you work. Do not make multiple transitions other than for a break as it actually uses more energy (there is no thing as multi tasking, it's just speed of transitioning between tasks).

5. Compartmentalize. Stop thinking. If anything remember with this lousy landlord a new place will be likely less stressful, not more. So will a new partner who doesn't leave you in the lurch when you are in need. Don't confuse temporary with permanent. Do, not contemplate, is the only way I've found. Make 'doing' possible by sleeping, having a routine, asking for help, limiting the amount of time spent on requirements (necessity vs perfection), and recognizing starting a task isn't as bad as your mind tells you. Use resources still available (get your laundry done, have non perishable food on hand). Ask you friends for specifics (eg one to clean the fridge, one for the bathroom, etc).

6. And most of all remember it has been you that has got you this far, and from what you've said as a good person who's friends value you. Don't run in circles. Ask for help. Don't throw away what matters to you but don't assume temporary change or setbacks or alterations will remain permanent.

Hugs to you.