Where I live, you have to be below 800% of the poverty line to receive any kind food aid,
Well, here too. The 1 food bank of the entire city? Sends food directly to organisation where it goes for disabled/single mothers etc, but I would suppose only those that know of the opportunity and have registered.
But recently I found homeless free kitchen that supposedly serve anyone that goes there 3 times a week and tries to help in other ways. Someone specifically started it for those on the merky line of help, such as people who have lost their jobs and so on. I am hoping they may help a little. Though I need a bus to get there. Still trying to see if I can walk.
There’s an average of 20-30,000 homeless in my city at any given time.
I think in my city there aren't even official stats. There is 1 homeless shelter with 100 beds in a city where the homeless probably average what you say.
You have a home.
You have work.
You can afford to eat more than once a week.
Correct. I guess because of the structure of how things work here, growing up we struggled for heat, food, clothes- but for 18 years I lived in the same place. So to me moving is the most distressing idea.
Also, weirdly, anyone, anytime- I never judge people. I help people around me when I can, I try to give advice or lend a help. We exchange old clothes that don't fit us in our studio. But I am surrounded by people who have never struggled with being homeless. My closest friends, most of them have families and children and careers(in different countries). People around me are working 2 jobs with health issues, to keep what they have if need be. Everyone is somehow managing.
So then I feel bad if my mental health gets to a point where it's unmanageable and I have to beg my landlord and manage in creative ways.
Mind you, I'd never ever judge a homeless person. I see everyone's stories and have only sympathy and desire to help. So question is why do I feel so MEAN to myself. I can blame it on family of course- I was their bright hope to save them out of the poverty they lived in after helping family with loans they never got back. I was the hope they had for finding a job that would allow me to help them in their old age. So me struggling for any reason that is not physical- unacceptable. I CHOSE to live in a different country and build a life (though I didn't know I'd do it alone)- so in their eyes I am failing more and more. Of course on the flip hand of that there is the fact that I'm sure everyone has family and other issues. I know I am 10x meaner to myself than anyone else- I am actually never mean to anyone else, almost never, so this is odd for me. I guess I need to learn self-compassion somehow. There is a part of me thinking if I'm at a point of begging to keep my apartment- I am not keeping the responsibility I have taken to the landlord who may need that money, that I have lied to her essentially. And when I begged her because I'm going through a hard time, she told me that everyone is, so why are my problems more important?
I am grateful I still have a home.
I just feel like I am judged from all sides if I can't keep it or take care of myself. Mental health is barely a thing here so it's never an excuse.
I see people who are homeless- I have never been. So it petrifies me and makes this worse.
I need more self-compassion. I need to apply what I do for others to myself. And because I haven't had the options of bank loans much of my debt is from peers and so it becomes like me having broken their trust if I'm late...
As you see how I think of me and others? SO entirely OPPOSITE. How do I untangle why?
But deciding that makes you a terrible person? Is short sighted, at best.
No, breaking the trust of my landlord who took a chance on me by postponing rent. Breaking the trust of friends who have given me loans in hopes I'll get back on my feet. Not managing to help my parents who despite their short-sightings to many things got me to education and made sure I graduated- and hoped that I'd be better off then them and help them. I feel like me failing is hurting much more than just me. And because of the lack of mental health awareness often it's breaking promises without having a 'valid' explanation (with parents and landlord as older generation...
So yeah.... maybe this is more of issue of how I view myself rather than how I view others of my situation?
Need to untangle this when I can. Possibly related to not managing to get out of what gave me PTSD because I didn't have finances therefore exposing myself to more abuse. Which is again leading to misplaced guilt for it... I can definitely use the therapy, not sure why in any problem I have I end up feeling like a horrible person? This is not new. Definitely therapy/journaling material.
But I have noticed that the more I write on here the reality: that I still may be evicted now or at the end of the month depending on the landlords decision: the less the word eviction has a hold on me. It seemed like something I can't say, much less imagine. Now I'm back to working hard to finally get paid soon and once I do- to have long and frank conversations with my landlord about what will happen (for example if I'll always keep my word and pay back what I owe her, but if I have to move immediately or in 10 days- she'd have to wait longer for it, because I'll have other move to manage, but that we can see what she wants to do and then make a repayment plan accordingly as long as she is willing). We didn't use agency, just personal contract, so the repayment agreement will be all depending on us.
I have also noticed that after making myself work many hours depressed at a job I hate lately, my fear of other applications is starting to decrease.
Because no matter what happens to my eviction, the more I earn the better for me in managing whatever comes next.
I guess live with something long enough- you get stronger. Or you accept things more.
Either way. Finally finishing ALL work I still have today, so should have money by Tuesday. (well, for about 24 hours- after paying rent possibly and bills and everything I've been pushing forward, not much will be left, but there will be relief in not being evicted hopefully). One way or another Tuesday is the last chance to bargain with landlord about what happens next.
After that I can work on anything else.
Less afraid now though then I was when I made this post.
But thank you for the reality check, it helps. It's true. Many people are homeless and have always been and the inflation and war conflict in nearby countries aren't making things easier for anyone. And I'd never judge anyone struggling but I tore myself apart with guilt. So maybe I should concentrate less on that, and more on what I CAN do for myself, and then for others.
I don't have to be rich or successful to be a better human being. Not every help needed is financial help. Maybe I concentrate on that first. After the deadline of course.
