I had a breakdown and now I need to get over it, how???

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I was doing better. But every time I think that something worse happens. And usually something I can't handkr. I'm getting tired of feeling like getting through the week is impossible, having one good moment amongst a sea of bad. Of having a drop of faith appear just to be squashed down in a second. I'm spending the day talking online and offline, trying to just get through the day. Lots to do this week, but today the only objective is surviving.
And the worst part is, last week I couldn't work because of the state I was in. Things started to look up, l started to make a lot of plans for this week. And now they all fell apart. It's promising to be a rough week, and in this state, how do I concentrate on work (online job search, not a deadline) at all? How do I keep daily life together if everything is falling apart?
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Are you trying to take on too much at once. Maybe just make plans for an afternoon, then evening, then morning after you have completed the first plans? You are in a fragile state so giving yourself as much as a break as you can is important.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Are you trying to take on too much at once. Maybe just make plans for an afternoon, then evening, then morning after you have completed the first plans? You are in a fragile state so giving yourself as much as a break as you can is important.
Might have to. Haven't snapped this bad in a long time. And considered so many bad options for coping at once. So far I've only overeaten and overslept, could have been worse. The problem is I haven't been properly functional in a bit. Including new income. Meanwhile everytime I make a budget and think I'll be okay if I take it easy, something happens and there is another amount I can't account for. I need to be working full speed, but I'm getting exhausted so far and my concentration is awful. All of which makes it super hard to take it easy on myself - because a lot of issues would have been easier with finances, which depends on me getting some. So instead of being easier on myself I feel the opposite, like I can't breathe from how guilty I feel for not making some extra income right about now, that I didn't do more, save more.,somehow...

I guess you're right. I guess I'm trying to plan weeks and days, when really a few hours might be where I'm at.

I did talk with a friend who is doind some holiday cleaning in her home that we set goals and encourage each other about that (getting our homes in order for the new year). That is still the plan.

What can I do about work? There is so much to do, and my brain is such a mush right now. How do I break what needs to get done into tasks that I can then plan into the morning or afternoon and so on?

I feel so lost, so on the verge, and so dumm for not doing better.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
@DharmaGirl thank you for trying to help. At the end, you've been right so far. No matter what I felt about it, it had to go a bit easier on myself. I had to try to accomplish smaller things first and then try to add on more. I'm scared if that will fit in with the obligations I have.

But, at the end of the day I had fallen in a hole, in a metaphorical sense and there was no way to continue as if everything is normal. I've been taking small steps towards gradual improvement. Some days it seems enough and others not at all. But I had started really having dark thoughts daily. At some point I had to see there's no skipping over that without dealing with it. Thank you for following this thread and trying to help. There are many times this forum has been the place I reach out to.

Last week though has been unimaginable. I wrote here, talked to crisis line, and when I couldn't keep going anymore - to friends. With some just caught up, with some about this. Either way it was keeping me away from dark actions. I still don't see much of anything easier coming for months. I'm still not saying I'm not having these thoughts-but I'm a smidge better. I cleaned a bit. I worked a bit. I had few moments of relief. And I made it to the new year, which at some point last week I wasn't sure I would.
Where ever you are, I hope you are having a nice new year. And a healthy one.
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
I can identify with everything you’ve said. That stress cup overflows and we’re no
Longer grounded. And that’s when the crazies show up. Self doubt, problems with food and sleep, overwhelmed. My condo looks like a hoarder lives here. You know, you deserve a lot of credit for taking on this change. Moving is a lot of work. Could you hire someone to do the cleaning? Can you find time to do some yoga? Even if all you can manage is Child’s pose. I know how you feel. Everything I’ve learned just dissolves into panic mode. All I do is sleep. What you are doing is exhausting. Fresh air, this is good.
I make lists of things I need to do, then I’m happy to see that I’m getting something done!!
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Everything I’ve learned just dissolves into panic mode. All I do is sleep. What you are doing is exhausting

Exactly that. I even managed the cleaning, and packed myself, and got myself to a bus station in the middle of the night(only bus running). Only to be told the bus was cancelled and be hit on by a taxi driver twice my age.. Was not a good night. And I'm swinging between good days or rather moments, and then the darkness comes again and I feel like it would be easier if I wasn't there(existing). And it's hard finding therapy if I'm between countries. Or holding onto a routine, any routine. Or working this depressed.

I've been considering therapy on apps(like chatting to someone), or crisis chats and looking for therapy in person. Whenever I do relocate temporarily (hope is for tomorrow). I just feel in such a whole. Today I was about to pay a bill, and then had a panic attack that I can't spend that money because I won't get any income again because I'm stupid... Basically, I'm spiraling bad and I know it. And reaching out, everywhere I can. And I can only hope it will be enough.
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
If you saw someone with a broken leg, would you be frustrated and angry with them for not climbing a mountain with that broken leg?

ONE job change is supposed to be one of the top 10 life stressors. You have had several, like so many of us during this pandemic, and then PTSD to battle, and so much else... If what you achieve is to survive and stay alive through each day, that's progress. No, it won't feel like it, but it is. You are doing what you can do and it's won't be perfect, and that's okay. Keep up the good work. Keep fighting.

Depression is one tough one to fight through - I am with you in it. Today, getting to physical therapy and not losing it on the way there was a battle. Then I was zonked. It is hard to want or need to do so much and all the muster in the world isn't working. I have been here before and I'm so frustrated to find myself here again. I know from experience that doing what I can - means that what I can do will increase over time, and usually a little faster if I don't tear myself up about it.

I hope you are a little more gentle with yourself too.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
@Justmehere thank you! This topic has been one of the many threads keeping me together at the seams lately. When I come every few days and see a new comment. It's not much.... But it's everything, you know?

I've relocated successfully since Friday, so there was a brief relief in managing the trip. Since then it's been good day-bad day-good day and so. Now it's a bad day. And it's not like I'd be angry at someon3 climbing on a broken leg... But I'm worried how I'll survive this. I've survived a lot, as I presume has anyone on this forum. Yet doubts creeps in. Did I finally get too tired to try? Good days are good because I'm trying, 2orkouts,meditation, self care. Bad days don't care how much I'm trying, they keep kicking me when I'm down. I'm doing online job applications and since my depression break December, my head and eyes hurt so easily in few hours, and that is not even asking into account the fact that I want to cry after every 15min.task. I know exactly what to do, but my body is adjusting and my mind is suffering.

I guess this is why I'm here. Convincing myself that just because Im having a hard time for while, it doesn't mean it's over. It's just that people have hard weeks and this has been. I fought and learned my way into a pretty good place at the end of 2019...and then we all know what happened. I just don't know if I have enough fight in me to fix this this time. I want to, but I don't know if I do.
 

Friday

Moderator
just because Im having a hard time for while, it doesn't mean it's over.
9 years.

9 years of everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Doesn’t mean it’s over.

Just means it’s a really SHITTY 9 years.

Coulda been 10 or 20 or a lifetime… but? 9 years of being stubborn being what it takes? Is what it took. For me. This time. A week. A year. A decade. How much fight have you got in you? If you give up? You know. If you win? You know. Everything else? Is finding out.

I knew I had 2 years in me. I’ve recently found out I have 9. Becuase that’s how long it took for a win. And I kept fighting it out, and being stubborn, and refusing to give up. “How much have you got in you?” Isnt a question you ever want to ask of yourself. Get through THIS. However long it is. Rise up.
 
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SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Just means it’s a really SHITTY 9 years.
That might be the most encouraging thing I've heard in a long time - thank you for sharing.

It's been 11 years since I have PTSD. But the last 5 specifically were the most rough, I think, with peak at the end of 2018. Since then I took meds/went to therapy and everything I could change to improve things. At the end of 2019 things finally seemed stable. I had went from low to high functioning, my mood was good, every area of my life seemed to stabilize. And it had taken a lot of months and efforts and changes, so it was a relief.

And then... 2020,but honestly, I think 2021 was harder for me. It was... As you said all that could go wrong will... Nevertheless I was stable, and adapting, and waiting for better to come. And seemingly ly doing better than in years. And theeen... Then at some point in December I just broke down. I tried to fix it and things would look stable for a second and then something worse would happen. And again and again until now. And at some point I think I stopped believing I can make it better. And I crashed even worse. And life doesn't seem done with the mess it's throwing my way to handle.

And every other day I just feel so close to giving up as I've ever felt. I've had low moments before where I thought things had no point. I never though about ways to end them though, unlike now. I've never had to talk to crisis lines quite so often.

Hearing that thing can be bad, for longer than you think you can handle-and they can still get better-it's honestly quite encouraging. Even though I'm having one of the bad days.
 
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