Do I Protect My Family From Me And My Disorder?

[McTags]

I'm new here, but I don't know who else I can talk to about this...

I am a x-Firefighter/EMT who was forced to retire after over a decade of service, due to PTSD. I was diagnosed 3 years ago now. Been through years of therapy, which has now ended. It helped but I still have rough days... to say the least...

I am also married and I have a two and a half year old son. And this is what brings me to write this, today.

I have to live with my disorder, I know this. I chose the career and now I must live with the effects of that. But what I see it doing to my family makes it even more difficult. They don't deserve this.

My son is smart, healthy and a fantastic kid; but he is afraid of me. When we do spend time together he is frequently asking me "dad happy?" I try to not show any of my signs, but he sees or senses the things I cant control... He deserves better and I am extremely afraid I will screw him up for life!

My wife is amazing. She has been with me through all this. But it has taken a tremendous toll on her. Over the last few years she has become withdrawn, she is frustrated with me most of the time and she resents the medication that I am now on (I was on a conglomerate of different meds (which messed me up with side effects and had no positive effects; but she was fine with) and now I only take Medical Marijuana; which has increased my quality of life, but she hates the "drug"). Our relationship is suffering, to say the least. I am causing it to all fall apart. And like my son, she deserves better!!

So my question is this. Do i sacrifice my marriage so they can live a better life?

Damn that is hard to even write... But it has been rattling around my brain for a loooong time. Like I stated earlier, I have to live with this; not them! I spent a career trying to stop pain and suffering and now it is me who is causing it!

I am afraid of being alone; but I don't know if that would be worse than what I am doing to the people I love...

Please, help...

 

[Stickler]

Marital counseling?
Are you in therapy also?

 

[McTags]

Therapy has ended months ago. I am living on $930/month in disability. No way i can afford marriage counselling.

 

[Stickler]

Um...this appears to be a communication breakdown in that you are using MM to make yourself nicer for her benefit.

I take meds not just for myself, but for others.

 

[Virtues]

I am a medically retired firefighter; first I'm sorry. I will say this though: We all get in those moments in our lives when we isolate and think "they'd be better off without me". 99.9% of the time this simply isn't true. Are you committed to making this work? You have a wife that NEEDS you. You have a son who NEEDS Daddy. Don't give up brother. I am here for you in any way I can be, but please don't give up.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@McTags, you say that your son is afraid of you.... Can you explain why? Just curious, as I can relate to this. I was undiagnosed, raising my daughter as a single parent. I had no patience and was a yeller and screamer. Did it affect her yes. Am I sorry, very much so. All I can do today is be a better person than I was then.

I hope that for all your sakes that you can get a handle on yourself and your symptoms and find some sort of resolution that will benefit all of you in a positive way.

 

[McTags]

I am a medically retired firefighter; first I'm sorry. I will say this though: We all get in thos...

Thanks for your reply Florian7051. Truly, thanks.

I am committed to ensuring my wife and son are happy and healthy. As for everything else, well, I don't give up easily but I admit I am weak right now. I am wore out. and I am confused. I have needed a break from myself for a long time now so I imagine they would need a break from me also... I know suicide isn't a solution to my problems, rather it just puts my problems on somebody else, and I wont do that to them or the rest of my family.

I am trying to "not give up".

 

[Virtues]

Are their any inpatient programs near wherever you call home? I went through a really rough time (right around the time I found out I was being retired) and things didn't start to get better for me until I attended an intensive program. Maybe this is just the type of break everyone needs, plus imagine all the benefit from the additional therapy you could get. I don't know if this is an option, but definitely something to look into. See what is available and how the places are rated and make a decision if that might be right for you. Hell I know some places even welcome spouses to attend portions of the therapy.

 

[Friday]

In reference to adults : I try really hard to let other people make their own decisions, instead of making their decisions for them.

In reference to kids : I have a duty to protect them. My walking away? Doesn't do that.

- My finding summer camps, activities, Johnny-on-the-spot babysitting, overnights, etc. so that they're somewhere safe-fun-interesting having an adventure when I'm having a seriously bad day? Neither trust myself nor my self-control? Does do that.
- So does kiddifying my "All I can do is lay here and stare at a wall" mediocre bad days, by making it a blanket fort, ordering in pizza, and marathoning some silly movies. AKA take a boring/sad/scary/isolating time, & turn it into a bonding & happy memory time. I'm still doing the same durn thing. But they're having fun. There are a few dozen different possibilites in this level of bad day. The "Time for a blanket fort and movie marathon!" Is just one example.
- So does knuckling down & dealing with things I would really prefer not to, in order to be able to have more good days. Whether that's minding my bearing for 8 more seconds (or 8 minutes, clear my damn back blast area), so that I can explode/meltdown elsewhere, or after they're safely at somewhere else, or the long term work of modding symptoms & dealing with trauma & my temper.

I'm a pretty black & white kind of person. NONE of the above are things I generally want to do. If I can't do it right, the first time, every time? I don't want to do it at all. All or nothing. I have to fight that impulse really hard.

I was lucky as hell to be single & childless the first time my PTSD got bad. I could go be homeless on a beach, pick fights all day long, f*ck whomever I wanted to whenever I wanted to, spend days/weeks/months isolating to my hearts content, unleash my temper, take as many risks, stay up weeks, sleep days/months, and every single other version of I'm f*cked up right now, go away. It is a helluva lot harder to deal with PTSD within the context of having a family.

It's possible to do. But it means realistic appraisal & planning. I honestly don't know (but strongly doubt) I could have done that -realistic planning & appraisal- if I hadn't already gotten really bad without a family, first with no treatment. So I knew where I go, how bad I can get, what my patterns are, and could take steps to prevent that. Even then, I've come really close -more than a few times- to just walking away to protect everyone from me. Knowing what I need to do, is different from being able to do it.

Are their any inpatient programs near wherever you call home? I went through a really rough time (right around the time I found out I was being retired) and things didn't start to get better for me until I attended an intensive program. Maybe this is just the type of break everyone needs, plus imagine all the benefit from the additional therapy you could get. I don't know if this is an option, but definitely something to look into.

Very strong 2nding.