Supporter Dating An Active Ranger..

[VRA18]

Hello all,

Not really sure where to begin. Started dating my guy almost a year ago and it was absolutely amazing. He was discharged from active duty (Army Ranger) a few years prior after he was injured by an IED. He assured me he would never go tactical again due to his injuries but the army had other plans. He was given a clean bill of health and went active 5 months ago. Since then it's been absolute hell. He's had countless missions, is in pain and has what I'm pretty sure undiagnosed PTSD. His anger when we do get a tiny bit of time together or email/text is unbearable. I've done nothing but support him, try to love him as best as I can, be there for him however he needs me to be, do whatever I can to help and support him. Basically my life revolves around "what can I do today to make his day just a bit better?" Not saying I'm a doormat but he's the one out there doing what he's doing and making the ultimate sacrifice. I've grown close with his mother and know that his he had a bit of anger issues before the army that he inherited from his father and his less than ideal childhood which wasn't the best growing up. He doesn't listen or communicate well and if he jumps to the wrong conclusion about the smallest thing! (which is usually the case) I do my best to call him down and get him to realize he misunderstood. Thank goodness text messages are my go to bc I can show him he's way off and I never said/did that.
Anyway.....the biggest issue I have is that whenever I try to connect with him on a human level and if he's not in the right mood or state of mind, the onslaught of verbal abuse starts. He's suddenly no longer my sweet guy but in military mode. The threats, the lies, the abuse the accusations, the insults are unbearable. I've developed a thick skin and know it's not him but rather the stress of the job, the months long deployment he's embarking on and the PTSD I KNOW he has but isn't getting help for.

Bottom line..I'm willing to stay. I'm willing to continue to support this man and pray for his safety and his return home. I'm willing to deal with the long distance and the deployments and the never being able to depend on him bc he's gone in a moments notice. I know he loves me but I also know that he's torn. He's actually said to me a few months back "breaking up now would he easier than you grieving in 6 months". He's trying to protect me in a warped way and I get that - but it's not his call to make. Today or a year from now I will grieve if something should happen. I'm staying as strong as possible and dealing with it as best I can. I have no one to talk to as no one I know is dating an active serviceman.

He seems to resent that I love and care for him. He says I'm a distraction to his work. But then tells me he loves me and is sorry he can't be the man I deserve. He's so torn with guilt because of the possibility that he won't come back and does his best to push me away. And then he comes right back saying he didn't mean it.

Again....I'm more than willing to wait for his contract to expire. To be there and support and love and remind him how proud I am of him. I'd marry him tomorrow if I could.
Any other women ever been in a situation like this where he loves you but the realities of being an active Ranger make him think it's best to not drag you into his world just to spare you?

 

[kent101]

Hello all,

Not really sure where to begin. Started dating my guy almost a year ago and it was absolutely amazing. He wa...

I'm a veteran who's been in combat with the infantry. I understand he probably has PTSD and TBI. You're not required to support him or be abused. He may have developed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A lot of guys in elite units are trained to think they are better than everyone else. If he's NPD you don't want to remain around him. You're in danger. I don't want you to get hurt by him. Break it off and move on. You don't need to have a thick skin anymore. I want you to be yourself and be with a man who isn't abusive. I want you to live a good life. You don't owe him anything.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome and check out the Supporter's section as there are many threads / posts you may find helpful.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)

 

[VRA18]

I'm a veteran who's been in combat with the infantry. I understand he probably has PTSD and TBI. You're...

Thank you.
I don't even know where to start. I never thought about him having NPD. I knew he had his self-absorbed moments but he always would apologize and things would go back to being ok again. The end of your reply brought upon a flood of tears that I've been apparently holding back. I've been so focused on getting through each day that I've become so numb and strong. I just want to be able to breathe again.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to leave him while he's deployed doing god knows what in a place I wish he wasn't in. I don't know how to stop loving, caring and worrying....

 

[kent101]

You can check out Ollie Mathews on youtube to see if your situation is similar to others who have suffered by being in relationships with NPD people. Even if he has PTSD I don't think you can do much to help him. He really needs to see a good therapist and want to change.

 

[VRA18]

You can check out Ollie Mathews on youtube to see if your situation is similar to others who have suffe...

Thank you. I'll definitely look into that. Right now I'm trying to get through the end of the year as a high school teacher. As soon as that's done (next week) I feel I can really deal with all these issues. Bc if I attempt to now, I will absolutely fall apart and fail my kids.

 

[Dating ret.army]

Thank you all for this thread. sometimes I feel alone and like it's something I'm doing wrong or that I'm not tough enough. My warrior just retired, I can see he's having trouble. One minute he's so sweet, gentle, and kind, the next minute the smallest thing has set him off and he has an outburst of anger. He was wounded in a roadside ambush and almost lost his arm and legs. Although he won't say it, I know he feels responsible for all those who died under his command and it's tearing him up inside. Sometimes I feel I can't reach him and he doesn't think he has PTSD. Now he's a police officer and I recognize the changes, very similar to when my dad went from 4 tours in Vietnam to the police dept. My heart aches for my warrior. I want to support him and stand by him no matter what the cost. Thank you for your thread, comments, advice. I know I won't walk away, he'll have to be the one. After all he's gone through... Thank you for showing y that it's not just me.

 

[VRA18]

Thank you all for this thread. sometimes I feel alone and like it's something I'm doing wrong or that I'm not...

I only have a sec to reply but I want to acknowledge your post and reply in more depth. I'm sorry you're going through this but honestly it makes me feel less alone. Like you said...it's not me. So thank you.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug: