OneToughCookie
Silver Member
My parents were emotionally abusive, my dad attempted physical abuse but I sprinted upstairs into my room and my mom stopped him just outside my door, I dated two abusive boyfriends, and was sexually assaulted twice by two other people. What I'm trying to figure out is whether I was sexually abused.
I had a dream my dad raped me during my sophomore year of high school. When I was six, I punched a kid on my bus in the stomach for no legitimate reason. I have severe anxiety when I use the restroom and someone's nearby and often have a hard time urinating. I was talking to my mom about some of the stuff that happened and said a sentence, part of which was "the rape, the dad stuff," and my mom said, "Careful, you're going to make it sound like your daddy raped you." I immediately collapsed to the ground, unable to move or speak for five minutes. That same kind of collapse happens when I remove the shorts I wore when I was raped, am in a similar sexual situation with a guy, etc.. When I could move/speak, I told her to leave very angrily and went to bed. I thought about all of this together today and read up on signs of sexual abuse. When I was reading about the signs of sexual abuse, I felt very numb and spacey. One site mentioned it can happen in the bathroom. I wondered if that's why I always feel so much fear when I'm on the toilet. When I did so, I froze, and immediately I started having intense pains in my vagina and feeling like a little kid. I curled up in a ball, it hurt so much, and I began crying and trying to protect my private parts, then I felt this creepy sensation of being touched. When I was reading about the signs of sexual abuse, I only had 41/106. But, as I'm writing about this now, the pains are happening again. And now I'm experiencing throat pain, and feelings of painful pressure in my leg forearm. I just want to disappear right now.
I thought I was making it up, but now I don't. Five months ago, I talked to my parents about the emotional abuse. My mom denied it at first, but then admitted it and began therapy. My dad, though, when confronted, gas lighted me and called the doctor that prescribes the medication for my sleep disorder to prevent it from getting to me in time and insinuated I was acting crazy because I'd just stopped being "friends" with someone (I went no-contact with one of the abusive ex-boyfriends). At that point I doubted my memory/experience, so I called my sister and asked her if some things I remembered happened as I remembered them, and she said yes. I found a photo online that said "People who sexually abuse children may... tickle, hug, kiss, or touch a child excessively - even if the child says no, try to convince others that the child is prone to lying or unstable," and listed many others. My dad did the ticking when I said no and the trying to convince others I was unstable. I'm guessing that if I were abused, it would have been my dad, then, but I don't have an actual memory. In a list of signs of childhood sexual abuse, I only have 40 of 106 of the signs, and many of those could have been from the other types of abuse. Of the 20 Survivors of Incest Anonymous questions, 10 are true for me, though, again, many are nonspecific.
For anyone who's experienced CSA, does this sound like it's real, or something my mind fabricated?
I had a dream my dad raped me during my sophomore year of high school. When I was six, I punched a kid on my bus in the stomach for no legitimate reason. I have severe anxiety when I use the restroom and someone's nearby and often have a hard time urinating. I was talking to my mom about some of the stuff that happened and said a sentence, part of which was "the rape, the dad stuff," and my mom said, "Careful, you're going to make it sound like your daddy raped you." I immediately collapsed to the ground, unable to move or speak for five minutes. That same kind of collapse happens when I remove the shorts I wore when I was raped, am in a similar sexual situation with a guy, etc.. When I could move/speak, I told her to leave very angrily and went to bed. I thought about all of this together today and read up on signs of sexual abuse. When I was reading about the signs of sexual abuse, I felt very numb and spacey. One site mentioned it can happen in the bathroom. I wondered if that's why I always feel so much fear when I'm on the toilet. When I did so, I froze, and immediately I started having intense pains in my vagina and feeling like a little kid. I curled up in a ball, it hurt so much, and I began crying and trying to protect my private parts, then I felt this creepy sensation of being touched. When I was reading about the signs of sexual abuse, I only had 41/106. But, as I'm writing about this now, the pains are happening again. And now I'm experiencing throat pain, and feelings of painful pressure in my leg forearm. I just want to disappear right now.
I thought I was making it up, but now I don't. Five months ago, I talked to my parents about the emotional abuse. My mom denied it at first, but then admitted it and began therapy. My dad, though, when confronted, gas lighted me and called the doctor that prescribes the medication for my sleep disorder to prevent it from getting to me in time and insinuated I was acting crazy because I'd just stopped being "friends" with someone (I went no-contact with one of the abusive ex-boyfriends). At that point I doubted my memory/experience, so I called my sister and asked her if some things I remembered happened as I remembered them, and she said yes. I found a photo online that said "People who sexually abuse children may... tickle, hug, kiss, or touch a child excessively - even if the child says no, try to convince others that the child is prone to lying or unstable," and listed many others. My dad did the ticking when I said no and the trying to convince others I was unstable. I'm guessing that if I were abused, it would have been my dad, then, but I don't have an actual memory. In a list of signs of childhood sexual abuse, I only have 40 of 106 of the signs, and many of those could have been from the other types of abuse. Of the 20 Survivors of Incest Anonymous questions, 10 are true for me, though, again, many are nonspecific.
For anyone who's experienced CSA, does this sound like it's real, or something my mind fabricated?
