Childhood I Think Something Else May Have Happened To Me

[OneToughCookie]

I don't experience symptoms while showering, nor during a gynecology exam. My gynecologist is one of the most talkative people I've ever met.. it's pretty distracting. I remember my dad bathing me, and that wasn't a scary experience. He taught made it fun by teaching me degrees and directions by telling me to "turn 180 degrees to the left" or "270 degrees to the right" and showering me off. I don't remember anything else about being bathed, but I feel like if he had wanted to sexually abuse me once, he would have done it multiple times, and it would have been memorable. Still, this is the same dad who caused my PTSD with other forms of abuse.
I do experience defense activation when I'm in a place that's hard to leave - I sought out escape routes at the dentist this week, for example.
I just read about PTSD and difficulty urinating, and that's just one of the somatic symptoms. I read what I wrote in my original message so I could determine if, maybe I was just flashing back to one of the other sexual assaults, but when I read it, I dissociated. If something did happen, I'm not sure I want to remember it.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

@Kendall S sorry for my late reply, have been all over the place lately.

Have you ever written about how your father abused you as far as you definetely remember ?

 

[OneToughCookie]

@FrankM , no problem!

No. What I remember is 95% psychological abuse, and the worst of it was when my sister and I were young so that we were scared into submission. I remember him mocking her when she said "Dad. No. Stop. Please. Really! I mean it!!" in her tone of voice and everything. She got the worst of the abuse. I couldn't ask for anything, or he'd act like I was paining him and say "Don't be a problem." If I cried, he'd say, "Stop crying, or I'll really give you something to cry about." Holding and restraining me so I couldn't get away. Calling me "Losergirl" and "uselo-baby" (that one's pretty comical to me now). Constant invalidation. Extremely manipulative. Lying - eg. claiming my grandmother was dying so I'd come on a trip with him when she wasn't. Walking on eggshells. Got angry if I didn't text back right away. Complete emotional abandonment. The biggest fight my parents ever got in was about whether he could use a belt on us. I forget a ton of it.

Oh well. I guess it will come up if it's going to come up. For now I'll just cope with symptoms. Thanks a ton for your help!

 

[Deleted member 34060]

@Kendall S, that sounds very familiar. Did he also yell at you and call you names ?

 

[OneToughCookie]

@FrankM, I'm sorry you had such similar experiences. :/ Not really, actually, though he would brandish anger in a very intimidating way. I was such a goody-two-shoes that there was very little for which he could yell at me, unless he lumped me in with my sister. He made unkind comments about our appearances, was extremely controlling, would blame my mom for everything, and would taunt and ridicule me. My mom was a yeller, though, required perfection (I was grounded in 8th grade for too many A-s), and parentified me.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

So ... do they today claim that it was all in good tntention raise you properly ... ?

 

[OneToughCookie]

My dad won't admit to any of it. He said "that's the most preposterous thing I ever heard." My mom did eventually and started seeing a therapist, thank goodness. Do your parents?

 

[Deleted member 34060]

My father always had incredible rages. He yelled at me top of the lungs, called me names ("a..hole", "pig" and worse and I was being 8 years old) and this sometimes went on for hours. Most of the times the true reason was that his favourite team had lost a game or it was raining on the weekend or anything like that. But he blamed me (or my brother) for it and at the end *I* had to apologize to *him* ... and my mother even pushed me to it ("come on, now go and apologize, otherwise we are all suffering ..."). So, he eventually accepted my apology even though I didn't deserve it, I had to consider myself lucky that he was such a generous, soft hearted man ...

Today he says, that ok, maybe once in his life .. or twice ... he missed the right tone a leeedle bit ... but after all he was right and and he only did this to give me a good education so that later in life I would be doing well and I was so lucky to have had such a good education ...

Today I understand that this is the very classical abuser pattern. Turns it around and says he did the right thing and he was the real victim himself. Put together with co-dependant mother who even supports him doing that - just classic.

I assume that sexual and physical abuse is even worse, but it was still good enough to destroy me ...

 

[OneToughCookie]

Jeez.. I feel awful that you had to experience that.
My dad did the whole "you're so lucky I saved for your education" bit too and focuses on his own feelings.
Like you said, emotional abuse of that degree is every bit as bad as physical or sexual abuse. How often do you talk to him?