Confused.

[CaitMiller]

Hello all. I hope that even though you are on this site that things are going well for you today.
I'm not sure exactly why I'm here...I guess to hear "it'll be okay" or "I know what you're going through", "You're not crazy," etc. I know I am not here for criticism (just had to get that out of the way).

Every so often I get really depressed, then I start wondering if I should just die...then I endure the situation on my own, things improve, then the cycle continues again. And it's always the same thing...me being let down by my narcissistic mother yet again. It always starts with her, but like a drug I always go back to her. She let me be abused and molested by my brother as a child. And since then I have such resentment towards her. And when my husband and I start arguing and I realize my "friends" are never there for me when I need them most that's when the depression kicks in. Dealing with diseases and unwanted unemployment (due to my health) is a lot already, then adding the family drama..I don't know how to deal. Does anyone have advice? And if your advice is to cut my Mom off (or handle her in bits-mind you she knows no boundaries) then please help me with tips on how to do so.

Any kind of help is GREATLY appreciated. I just don't know how to continue in this cycle.

 

[anthony]

I just don't know how to continue in this cycle.

You seem to be a doing a pretty good job already continuing in the cycle, for yourself.

The change is that you need to exit the cycle, which means you need to exit the relationship. You said it yourself, summation, its completely toxic for you.

Exiting is the easy part... you just stand up for yourself and tell her, no more. Goodbye, have a nice life.

My wife went through this exact thing. Her mother allowed her step-father to abuse her and her sister, excused it all away, still sat in denial about it all as though it was nothing at all, yet it was eating her up inside. After much convincing her to stand up for herself and make her decision one way or the other, she chose her own sanity and cut the family off. They were toxic, a decision had to be made, and either decision that is made, make it and don't complain about it -- just do it and get that aspect of the situation over with.

To be honest, your resentment really means you have little scope to forgive and forget, so exiting the relationship in totality seems your viable option. I do mean totally, no phone calls, no presents, no nothing, no expectations, no regrets.

Toxic relationships are very difficult to recover, and they only ever succeed if both parties are willing to work together on rebuilding the relationship, owning their mistakes in it all.

 

[anthony]

At the end of the day... this is depressing you, putting you into a dangerous place in your own life. A decision is imminent, to be honest. Email it, write it and send it, pick up the phone and state your decision, but something needs to change, because depression is no laughing matter or to be taken lightly.

 

[HappyJock]

@CaitMiller, thank you for sharing all of that, I know it could not have been easy! You've been through a lot, your resentment towards your mother is understandable. Employment and living a functional life is something that's very, very difficult but not impossible to maintain, with mental illness. You'll be okay. :hug:. You're already doing a good job, it seems!

Like you, I have a lot of resentment towards my mother. When I came out to her about my abuse last year, even though I'm a guy, I was hoping to be told the things I would never believe regardless "It's okay", "it's not your fault", "I'm here for you." Instead, she says that the abuse was 100% my fault, because even though I was seven years old, I should have stopped crying about it and stopped the abuser myself. I still live with her, for now, anyway (I'm only 22), but much like yourself, I have those same thoughts. I wonder if I should die. I wonder how I should keep going. But it gets better. But then it gets worse again. It happened so much that my mind doesn't allow good to exist without condition. I know that to be true, because I've been living in that circle. It goes horribly for a while, I improve, then I get back to the first stage. It goes on... and on... and on.

I will honestly say that the healthiest thing you could do is part from your mother. It is the most difficult choices in life that make us stronger. I'm not sue of your relationship with your mother aside from that or how you two communicate; but whatever the method, I suggest having one last casual dinner with just the two of you and calmly tell her how you feel regarding the resentment and tell her you're done -- that the relationship is through. It'll be hard, but needed. If you don't intend on doing that, then I guess the only thing I can suggest is to try and focus on the things that make you happy. Make time for yourself throughout the day. Vent. Come on here. Connect. Do small things that will make the big things in your life just a little more manageable.

Just know that we're all here for you and hope for the best!

 

[BlueDream]

It seems as though we have lived the same childhood with the same mother.
I'm sorry for what she has put you through, I know living with a narcissist is pure hell.

I have tried to set boundaries with my mom in the last few years, however most of those were set, while a huge fight was going on. I am glad to say she has learned to respect me just a bit, as much as she can, I guess.

The thing that helps me the most is limited contact and communication.
It's hard, sometimes I forget who she really is, and try to have a general conversation, but she always comes off with some condesending remark and I quickly come back to reality, and remember who I am really dealing with.

I hope it gets better for you.

 

[anthony]

I know living with a narcissist is pure hell.

I don't believe she called her mother a narcissist, which means: "extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type."

Narcissism is very different from ignorance and denial.

 

[Mytime]

Wow... You have a lot on your plate. First I would like to give you a hug if you except. :hug:

I can understand why your depressed. Holding all those emotions in. Are you in therapy? Because I think that would be a good start. It seems to me that you hold all these emotions in. Then as they try to surface,you go into depression because you are trying to push them back down. You hold the emotions in your body, which will come out in depression and physical pain. If you can, start talking about how you feel.

Write a letter or email to your mother, tell her how much she hurt you. You don't have to give it to her, but it may help you feel like you have a voice.
Because you do, this is your life.
You are the one who control it. I don't know what your relationship is like with your mom, so I can't really say anything.

I know it's hard, I did the same thing. But my T has helped me get back my voice. This is your life, you have a say in what you want out of it. Wishing you the best, because you deserve it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im going to write a little bit of my own experience, I hope you dont mind. Im just another person that has been there that also needed what Anthony is saying.

My family is the definition of insanity. Every single day I would lay down for hours and try to figure out what was wrong with me that they hated me so much. A lot of my suicide attempts were because of them. They made sure i knew what they felt about me and there was no shortage of it.

Once i told my therapist why i was really there, my family took up a good 3 years of my therapy and it was affecting me so much that my therapist became very concerned for my saftey due to being suicidal...and I wasnt able to move barley at all in therapy because of them so my therapist told me that i needed to back away. He advised me of some good ways to do that and i began cutting them off; facebook, email, phone, address...they now dont have any of that.

Soon after i completed that complete cut off and was settling into being alone and what not, i made the biggest step ever in my therapy, here, and have ran with it since.

See, its like they were hanging on me, pulling me down into dangerous territory. You cant heal when you have toxic people around you. Today im learning boundries and laying them soild and standing up for myself to a few of them but i couldnt of learned any of that if they were still hanging from me.

Hope that helps some (and hope i didnt talk too much about me).

 

[BlueDream]

I don't believe she called her mother a narcissist, which means: "extreme selfishness, with a grandiose...

And it's always the same thing, me being let down by my narcissistic mother yet again....

This is where I thought she referred to her mother

 

[anthony]

Sorry, missed that one. Thanks.

 

[CaitMiller]

You seem to be a doing a pretty good job already continuing in the cycle, for yourself.

The change is that...

Thank you so much for your response. I'm sorry your wife had to go through this and I'm sorry you had to be on this had to be a part of the life you guys chose together. Hopefully I can do as your wife has done and cut them off altogether. It makes it hard since she does have her good days; taking me out to dinner or a movie, etc. I will surely keep in mind that this is do-able. Thanks.

 

[CaitMiller]

@CaitMiller, thank you for sharing all of that, I know it could not have been easy...

Thank you SO much for your positivity @HappyJock ! I seriously appreciate you letting me know I'm not crazy and telling me there are better ways to live! And i hope you know the same for yourself! I hope that soon you are able to move out and lead a happier and healthier life. I know I sometimes wonder if I should continue living life but I hate hearing other people say that for themselves, maybe I'm a hypocrite in that sense- I can only feel sympathy for others. And from what you typed you seem like a really strong and really caring person. I will be praying for your life to take a wonderful turn for the better. Thank you so much again for your positivity and advice. :)